Stepped into a HUGE co-dependent hole...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm really hating myself right now, I've hurt myself, and I've hurt my xpwBPDgf, (had been intimate friends until recently), and the trickle down will hurt my kids... .  

I've tried too hard lately to protect my heart and move forward, and in doing so, there's been so much miscommunication between my X and me that I've caused pain and been a total sh$t, acted selfishly and so on and so forth. I've been defensive, and too analytical, just a plain idiot.

It all came to a head yesterday with a lot of drama and me doing things I could never have imagined doing in order to fix instead of just trying to keep quiet.

I don't know how this will play out, but the silent treatment is in progress, (had been until yesterday), and sure as I'm sitting here it has resumed, even though we parted very warmly and what I thought was positively.  I used my skills best I could, SET, DEAR, but it was still  weird though, we talked and each aired our differences, when I do so I get the big freeze.  I guess I deserve it because I had been cautiously limited with contact, but still in contact.  BECAUSE she is only a friend and the entire dynamic changed (again) when I asked about the distance we had over the past six months. 

I'm rambling, sorry. 

I know I need to keep trying to detach (with love), I know in my head what she thinks is none of my business, but my heart is breaking because she is hurting and there's nothing I can do... .  and I did a lot of it to her by trying to do what I thought she wanted OMG

I have to go back to work, it's my saving grace right now... .  

CiF

[Cardinals in Flight]

I'm really hating myself right now, I've hurt myself, and I've hurt my xpwBPDgf, (had been intimate friends until recently), and the trickle down will hurt my kids... .  

I've tried too hard lately to protect my heart and move forward, and in doing so, there's been so much miscommunication between my X and me that I've caused pain and been a total sh$t, acted selfishly and so on and so forth. I've been defensive, and too analytical, just a plain idiot.

It all came to a head yesterday with a lot of drama and me doing things I could never have imagined doing in order to fix instead of just trying to keep quiet.

I don't know how this will play out, but the silent treatment is in progress, (had been until yesterday), and sure as I'm sitting here it has resumed, even though we parted very warmly and what I thought was positively.  I used my skills best I could, SET, DEAR, but it was still  weird though, we talked and each aired our differences, when I do so I get the big freeze.  I guess I deserve it because I had been cautiously limited with contact, but still in contact.  BECAUSE she is only a friend and the entire dynamic changed (again) when I asked about the distance we had over the past six months. 

I'm rambling, sorry. 

I know I need to keep trying to detach (with love), I know in my head what she thinks is none of my business, but my heart is breaking because she is hurting and there's nothing I can do... .  and I did a lot of it to her by trying to do what I thought she wanted OMG

I have to go back to work, it's my saving grace right now... .  

CiF

[marbleloser]

"I've tried too hard lately to protect my heart and move forward, and in doing so, there's been so much miscommunication between my X and me that I've caused pain and been a total sh$t, acted selfishly and so on and so forth. I've been defensive, and too analytical, just a plain idiot"

Sounds like you're feeling guilty for a)loving yourself first and b) maintaining boundaries CiF. There's nothing wrong with taking care of yourself first. She's probably using that against you,knowing that you've always felt guilty in the past for doing so.I think you're putting too much responsability on your shoulders my friend.Let it go. 

[GreenMango]

CIF

What happened?  (apologies I haven't been able to backtrack and read)

[eniale]

Don't know anything about your history with your girlfriend, if she hurt you, but it's hard for me to understand how you can remain "intimate friends" with someone who has hurt you -- AND "move on with your life."  My ex cheated on me and then told he "I am very confused but know for sure I don't want you out of my life."  Yeah, he wanted his binky.  I said no way.  Personally, I didn't want to hear about how "things changed, I thought what we had was enough, she bowled me over" and then "remain best friends?"  I need a relationship with mutual respect.  He wanted to trust me, and he could, but then did not value my trust or respect me.  Best friends do not betray each other.  I thank him for showing me who he really is; not the perception I had of him.  Sure, I feel sad for all the lost plans, possibilities, etc. but I guess I have enough self love to know I deserve more.  You sound very compassionate about your ex, but how about thinking about yourself?  And no, it's not "selfish."

[patientandclear]

Best friends do not betray each other.  I thank him for showing me who he really is; not the perception I had of him.

Eniale, thank you so much for this simple yet profound point.  I'm one of the folks on this board who made a protracted effort to re-establish an intimate friendship with my ex.  It seemed worthwhile for a while, but ended sadly and badly.  I had decided to make a exception to the rule you state -- "best friends do not betray each other" -- because I saw my ex as lost and confused, which somehow neutralized the betrayal.  But the betrayal continued, even though it also remained true that he was lost and confused.

What I found confusing, and what I think has been confusing for you CiF, is that it is possible they are doing their best, AND ... .  the ongoing connection is important them ... .  AND they just keep betraying it in little ways due to their discomfort with closeness, and eventually the contradictions just sort of cause it all to fall in on itself.  It's not obvious what the "right" reaction to that is.

Please don't be upset with yourself. You showed your genuine feelings.  In the end, it is the failure to do that that can haunt you.