Constant hits...

[stop2think]

I really wish i had not heart, to feel no pain anymore... . His abandoning me, did not stop him hurting me.

1. I spent all my savings just to be with him for chrsitmas and then his birthday. He continued to emotionally and at times physically abuse me - asked me to leave and never come back to meet him.

1. He stopped contacting me, and yelled at me if i did.

2. 2 months later he got engaged to a new girl

3. Long time ago i borrowed some amount which he never cared to take back no matter how much i pleaded him. He emails his bank details reminding me to repay the money i borrowed 6 months ago (when we were together) - just before his engagement. Even when he knows i am going through terrible financial times. He agreed via emails that i repay him in monthly installements - which almost my entire salary for the next 6 months.

4. 4 month since the split he got married to her.

5. I receive monthly reminders if his money is deposited even one day late, due to banking transactions (international transfers) no delay due to me. His emails are straightforward and to the point - no 'Hi, how are you' etc.

His behavior towards a person he once wanted to marry and loved is so outrageous... . heartless and indifferent. He knows my current situation but does seem to care one bit. He painted me black to his family and friends.

How can someone be so callous, and ruthless? I cannot take any more hits - i am drowning in pain... . every day i try to pull myself up - what else does he wants to do to ruin my life... . How much happiness is he getting from making me feel miserable?

[bpdspell]

stop to think,

You need to be compassionate and kind to yourself. Your pain is palpable but you need to see your BPDex for who he is: a sick abusive man who you have allowed to abuse you. Are you seeing a therapist? You seem to be overwhelmed and overtaken with emotion. I feel your abandonment and rejection pain. You aren't alone. Please know that posting on here will save your especially because you are in crisis mode. In the meantime do your best to reclaim your peace of mind and happiness. It is not with him. He will never have the keys to your happiness, he cannot rescue you and he certainly cannot love you in a healthy way because he hates himself.  People who love and like themselves do not treat others like ___. They just don't.

Take a step back and try to see this man for who he really is. He's a man with twisted logic, abusive ways and suffering with a severe mental disorder. His new wife will experience the true him once the mask has fallen off... . that's if the mask hasn't fallen off already.

You may feel broken and rejected but you will get through this. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. BPD's hate themselves and cannot make anyone happy in the long run because of this self-hate. In the meantime learn how to be kinder to yourself and get the therapeutic help you need.

[stop2think]

BPDspell,

It's been 4 months, and i certainly feel stronger gradually. But it's just that this person seems to be pushing the buttons. It's like he devised a plan to feed me pain each month... . like he isn't happy to have just abandoned me and moved on so quickly already.

I have been focusing on myself, and seeking therapy but sadly there aren't any good therapists in this country that i will need to be in for the next one year. I looked around but have not found an experienced one... . they treat people seeking therapy with medicines (psychiatrists) i am looking for an experienced psychotherapist in this field. Hope i find a good T soon.

To add to this he works in the same team(that's how we met) as me, but fortunately in another country. And we never let anyone in the team know about our r/s (thankfully). After the break up,  we barely communicate with him (purposely) and i get help from rest of my team if i need anything.

But i get work emails from him at times, and have to listen to him on team calls weekly (hate it).