Cutting

[Truth in Ruin]

Hello, I've been out of a relationship with a gal that had BPD for about a year now.  I met a beautiful girl.  I discovered she has cuts.  I asked her if she has BPD, she said she thinks she does.  After talking to her about it.  She defiantly does!  I made it clear that her and I are just friends.  Although, I know she wants way more than that.  I think it would be stupid to go from one BPD gal to another one.  She is very attractive!  But, I have strong will.  My question is this.  The last girl I was with didn't cut.  This girl does.  I've paid CLOSE attention to her behavior.  She treats waiters with more respect, and maybe treats strangers better aswell.  Do you think cutters feel more feel more guilty for there behavior than the people who don't cut?  It seems to me, that maybe, this girl feels more guilty for her behavior than the last one.  Also, this girl is way more of a people pleaser than the last one was... .  So it seems.  Please! I want your advise!

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[arabella]

Why are you asking? You've already said that you know better than to jump into another r/s with a pwBPD... .  

But okay, here's my .02 re the cutting question. I don't have a lot of experience with pwBPD in general. From the few that I know the one who cuts is generally more socially functional. My theory is that he turns the anger and destruction inward on himself rather than taking it out on others - thus the self-injuring. He doesn't 'rage'. It's not really better, just different, and all of the other BPD problems still exist (compulsive lying, attachment disorder, inability to maintain r/s of all kinds, anger, etc).

[Somewhere]

Mrs. Somewhere was (and is still sometimes?) SI (short-hand term for Self-Injury, the broader genre of Cutting).

She was a Cutter when we met and explained that it helped her deal with stress.  She had studied it all some, and it did seem to work like self-medication.  After a we were together for maybe 8 months, I took a business trip for 4 days.  Came back and she had dyed her hair into pink braids, cut up both arms, and was painting the walls with the blood.  All of a sudden SI seemed not so okay.

I freaked and she did some legit T, and brought it under control.  Then she even did further legit study on the therapy side of SI and research as part of Grad School for her MSW. 

Now that I have studied more into the fMRI research of BPD and SI, it all really does make sense.  The Hyperactivity of the Amygdala portion of the BPD brain is Very Quickly sedated by Self-Injury.  The research usually uses self-apply heat as the pain source -- but Cutting, Stabbing, Pinching, Biting -- all do about the same thing. 

In short -- SI is very quick and effective "self-medication" for BPD Emotional Dysregulation.

[Truth in Ruin]

Thanks for your input guys! 

[WalrusGumboot]

Just because you didn't see the first girl's cuts, does not mean she doesn't,or hasn't. I was with the same pwBPD for 23 years, who never cut herself until after the split. It was our son who saw them on her. She revealed to him her self-mutilation when she was a kid. It lied dormant for that long.

[Cloudy Days]

There are other ways of self harm that you may not have picked up on. My husband has cut when he was a teen, he moved on to drugs and all kinds of other self destructive behavior the more he grew up. He is nice to most people and is a people pleaser when he first meets people, that soon wears off. He does rage, he acts in and out, just depends on his mood.

What you need to ask yourself is why you are attracted to these dsyfuctional personalities. You may want to get some therapy for yourself. Usually people who are attracted to these personality types have problems of their own, It's worth looking into at least.

[iluminati]

In terms of the specific question asked, it's one of those circle-in-a-circle arguments.  Cutters are more likely to have BPD, but not everyone with BPD cuts.  That said, I second Cloudy Day's advice.  You need to ask yourself why are you attracted to mentally ill people repeatedly.

[Truth in Ruin]

Thank you guys!  You bring up interesting points.  I believe I have had codependency issues.  By paying attention to it, my codependency has certainly decreased.  That said, I had to find out the hard way with my first BPD gal.  I was determined to make it work.  I had a choice of my spirit breaking, or our relationship.  And so, I took a hike.  Then I met this girl(the cutter) at a bar.  Super hot, and whatever.  She was flirting hard. I took her home, because she was to drunk to drive.  She then begged for sex.  Like a dog.  I said no way.  She then got into her PJ's, and I saw her cuts.  I have sense decided to be her friend, because I feel bad for her, and also, I want to help her.  Why am I this way?  God only knows.  Anyway, I'm the only friend she has that understands her, and what she's going through.  BUT, I know she would like more than a friendship, but is respectful enough not to push it to something else.  I WOULD LOVE ALL THE INPUT I COULD GET ON THIS, GOOD, OR BAD. Thank you guys!