Was I susceptible to a BPD relationship?

[Sleuth]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post on here but far from my first visit. This site has been a fantastic wealth of support and advice for me and I was very grateful to have come across it sometime last year when I was going out of my mind trying to read the entire internet looking for solutions and answers to questions to which I will never know the answer to.

So thank you, it did help a lot. 

I was with my BPD and Bipolar diagnosed ex gf for 5 years, we lived together for 3. She was diagnosed about 2 months before the final split, she left me to clarify. I appreciate this is a Borderline site but I trust the diagnosis and I have unfortunately become somewhat of an expert in both. A lot of what is said here fits her best.

I'm sure I could write a small book right now regarding the lead up to the breakup, essentially a 10 month bipolar episode, but I'd imagine most people here are familiar with the awful, frightening and lonely experience so I will spare you. This isn't why I am here.

We broke up and she left in September 2012 after pretty much the most repeatedly heart-breaking year of my life. I was a total mess, it had taken it's toll mentally and physically. I hit the bottle with reasonable gusto until probably about March 2013 when it was starting to affect my work and contributing to my lingering depression. My job is incredibly important to me and my boss was incredibly supportive over the previous year - he has experience with a Mentally ill significant other, I owed it to myself and him not to be a cliche basically so I cut it out. By this point I felt I'd numbed my self through the worst of it anyhow.

It had become apparent to me since the breakup how emotionally isolated I had become. Only my family and very closest friends knew anything about the true situation surrounding the breakup. None of them I felt understood it. I didn't feel I had any female friends who I was close enough to truly talk to about it; or would understand. There is also the pride element and also I know people don't want to hear me moaning. I stopped talking about it. Basically I was longing for the female care which had been on tap for 5 years.

NC was never declared between me ex and I. We have had NC for 2 months nearly now I guess. The few times before that this year were initiated by her and I remained as aloof and uninvolved as I could, encouraging no conversation or sharing details of what I'd been up to or asking what she had been up to. Learned from this site incidentally... . She seemingly had a knack for contacting me out of the blue when I was at my lowest. Skills indeed.

The last time I saw her face to face she came to get her mail, she declared she still loved me and missed me constantly, was not over me etc. So naturally, being a complete buffoon I told her I wasn't over her, Which to be fair, I was not. She then asked if there had been any other women. I couldn't lie to her so I told her I had slept with another woman about a month previously. I asked her the same to which she replied no, she had male friends but no love interest. She then went on to encourage me to look to her for support as it was clear I wasn't having a great time. I of course fell for this and thought, 'could we be friends'? my brain screaming no, my heart yes. hiting stupid really.

Anyhow, so I started texting her for support. She kind of led me on with it for a week and then told me she had a new boyfriend. Ouch. She had met this guy on a dating site while we were still together, just as friends, regardless of my protests. Familiar. The funniest thing about this was that although it hurt me a lot initially; I was actually relieved. I no longer had to worry about her. I no longer had to look after her or deal with her problems. It was no longer my job; it was his. I'm pretty sure she was trying to hurt me for the last time but it actually helped me turn a corner. Empathy is not love and putting someone before yourself constantly is very unhealthy.

So that was 2 months ago, we haven't spoken since. It was that point when I'd stopped drinking as much and learned about the boyfriend that I felt in a new phase of getting over her. And finally I'm getting to the point of this post, I am sorry this is long, it's difficult not to get dragged into writing this stuff, I don't talk to anyone about it.

I'm fine but I feel damaged. I'm functioning well, work is great, I have hobbies I participate in and are going fine. I've absorbed the financial loss by working more, I've been re-connecting with things I love, mainly music. I've been re-decorating my home and making changes to my life to separate it from my life with her. I still think about her a lot, if anything it only makes me slightly angry now. But the damage is still there.

I'm concerned about what damage this relationship has done to me and what I can do to fix it? I'm concerned how it will affect my future relationships? I'm concerned about unknown problems I may have had prior and during the relationship which made me susceptible to it? Is there something in my nature which made me unable to recognize this? Is it my fault? How could I be deceived for so long? Was it ever real? Will there ever be closure? etc etc. Questions I know a lot of people on here have asked themselves.

I am not ready for another relationship, nor do I want one. But. I do miss having someone so close to me, especially in the time I truly needed it most. I have plenty of friends; although I know I've lost a lot of mutual friends over this, but I feel, emotionally at least, alone. I now have pretty low self-esteem, probably trust issues, I ruminate about it an awful lot. I feel too much time has passed now for me to show I'm upset about this still and even if I were to, no-one I know would understand now deeply it has affected me; I don't even know if I am upset or it is affecting me but I know something is there. It's not like I'm upset about losing her now, I certainly don't want her back. I feel like an Idiot for believing and as if there's something wrong with me for falling into her jaws in the first instance.   

If you made it this far thanks. I guess I'd just like some advice on how to move forward correctly with my life.   

   

[Clearmind]

Like many of us here we do eventually, once we move through the inital grief, make some realizations that it was us that chose this.

We do like to cast blame at our BPD partners however you are right Sleuth - not everyone attaches to a Borderline - we each need to find our reason as to why we were 1) attracted 2) ignored the red flags 3) over accomodated despite the abuse 4) stayed.

Any ideas?

[Sleuth]

She did make me very happy over that time. Or so I believed. I remember the intensity when I first met her, she pursued me relentlessly. I also knew she had had depression (wrongly diagnosed, prescribed SSRIs; bad idea) whilst at university and had self-harmed. I was only 23 and these issues didn't seem important. In terms of the intensity, I found it intimidating to have someone so into me. I discussed this and it continued unabated, that was the first sign.

She also was overbearingly complimenting of everything I did, that made me wary also. It was strange though, it actually in some ways made me a better and more motivated person on order to fill what she was building me up to be. I've never had much of an ego but she stoked it regardless and I stepped up to it I suppose. The romeo's bleeding article from the main page struck home with me pretty accurately. I don't think I'm narcissistic enough to need or even desire the doting she was pouring on me (it made me really uncomfortable to begin with) but I do think overtime I got used to it and wanted to believe it.

Sex was amazing, she was very into the same music as me, films, books etc. Great taste. Some I can now acknowledge as 'mirroring' but she was a cool girl. There was always evidently an identity crisis throughout our relationship - I didn't recognize this. She was always highly emotional but never outwardly angry in the beginning, depression was there on and off but she was good at hiding her true feelings from me apparently. Having someone so excitable and with so much energy can be intoxicating company. A lot of the emotional swings I put down to being female... . sorry... .  

This wasn't my first long term relationship but it was the first I lived with a girl full time. I think a lot of the warning signs I missed as the situation was normalized and I was inexperienced living with someone, let alone someone with mental health issues.

I think I grew to like that she seemed to not just want me, but really need me. I pretty much looked after both of us during the relationship, cooking, cleaning, washing, bills, paperwork. It eventually became a frustration and I remember thinking she was actually very selfish regardless of the emotional and sexual doting and the extravagant gifts and gestures etc. We argued about that many times but nothing was ever done. I also remember thinking she was pretty childish. I truly haven't missed looking after both of us constantly.

I'm honestly not sure why I wouldn't recognize more other than inexperience or even complete oblivity to mental health symptoms, I stayed as I thought she made me happy even though she did continually do things which hurt me regardless of discussing the fact they did. They were always my fault or misinterpretations. She also lied incredibly easily over the course of our relationship. This did however repeatedly damage the trust between us but it was always convincingly made to be my problem, not hers.

I guess in a nutshell I wanted to save her and believe the hype she was feeding me about myself.

Anyhow. I'm half way to another essay... .      

[Clearmind]

I guess in a nutshell I wanted to save her and believe the hype she was feeding me about myself.

Yes same for me and same for many here. I suffered from caretaker personality disorder. It breeds anger and resentment because we caretake others.

Were you required to be the caretaker, “good” child when you were younger? Have you looked into your family of origin to see where this caretaker side of you came from?

[Sleuth]

Why does it breed anger and resentment?

Some of the closest friends I have told about this have told me I should be a carer. I've also been told I can't take on everyone's problems even though I was oblivious to having attempted to do so. I just thought I was compassionate. I have a couple of friends with mental health issues; one in particular who is very close whom has pretty much alienated every other close friend he's ever had. He's bipolar. He was one of the few people that helped me with this at the time.

I was the younger of two children. My older sister was a lot more studious and academically driven than I. I was a more rebellious and in trouble a lot more often. I can't see a parallel with care giving then. I had a relatively stable up-bringing, my parents divorced when I was 18. I find it difficult to analyze as you have no yard-stick to compare it to.

[Clearmind]

Caretaking and over accomodating can mean that you don't take care of your own needs.

I'm not suggesting you were a caretaker when you are younger - we all learn our relationship skills from our care givers.

[KellyO]

I don't have caretaker-mentality but I'm codependent. That builds resentment and anger. I had a feeling I HAVE to sacrifice my own well beeing, time and sanity because if I don't, I'm selfish and unlovable. For me it was given that people take advantage of me. That was love! But any human being gets angry and builds resentment when he/she is used. So I was used, because I believed it was love, and at the same time I hated the very idea of relationships and love, because it ALWAYS leaded in me being used and pulled and pushed and taken advantage of. I think I always thought somewhere there is a Prince Charming who will treat me well. Yeah right, people treating others well are not drawn to women full of anger and resentment. No Prince could have fixed me. I needed a very disordered person in my life to see what has happened to me and why.

[Sleuth]

What types of things would I have to look out for in either of those disorders? Both of them could ring a little true... . What can I do about it short of therapy?

I felt I may have had anger issues a few years ago, I always put this down to stress at work - I have a pretty difficult, uncompromising job which took a long time to train to do. Also, in my early 20s I was quite a pot head and indulged in other drugs reasonably regularly. When I gave this up I felt my stress and therefore anger relieve considerably. I've definitely learned to deal with it better since, also. Having said this I never took it out on my ex, it was always internal frustration. She did on many occasions make me pretty angry but I was always eventually convinced it was me not her with the problem.

Thank you for the replies by the way.

One thing I would say is although I feel damaged by all this, I feel more awake to such issues and what they mean and have meant in my life. It is, although incredibly hard, incredibly valuable to learn.

[KellyO]

I want to point out that codependency is not a disorder, it is dependency. One person said it is a mother of all dependencies,and I sort of believe it is true. Find book about codepencency, there are plenty. Go to CodependentAnonymous (CoDa) if you find one. Talk with a therapeutist.

[Sleuth]

I'll research it. Thanks for your help.