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Author Topic: And BANG - those thoughts never stop  (Read 575 times)
crystalclear
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« on: May 21, 2013, 12:27:35 PM »

As i am winding up my work today, it hits me again like a someone just dropped a boulder on my chest... . My mind just visualized what i got to know from one of my exBPD BF(undiagnosed) friends 2 months ago... . "His family friends told him about this girl who is very well educated and professionally at high stands, and from the same religious belifes his family has and is single. He met her for a coffee and then took her out the next day to a pub\club. When i met him 3 days later he said that he liked her and the families are meeting to decide our engagement date for next month"... . I choked and felt my head twirl and heart wrench with this thought... . A man who was 'in love' with me is now engaged to some one else. In a matter of 2 months since he left me, there was someone 'more perfect' that fit into his needs and wants almost immediately... . those words he spoke to express his love and care are for someone else and those calls\messages are to an new number now... .

Did you have these train of episodes of painfull imaginations, images, memories that never seem to end... . ?
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Sango216
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« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2013, 04:57:54 PM »

Hi Crystalclear.

I too struggle with these memories... . mostly the words that he said when we last spoke.  "You deserve to suffer.  You deserve [expletive] and to get [expletive] over.  I hope it eats you up inside.  I don't care if we ever talk again."  I've never had someone hate me so much.  It was only through text messaging, but he was so scary that day.  I don't think I could ever look at him the same way, but still, I love him.

Also, what's haunting me isn't necessarily the memories from the past, but the memories that he will create with his "friend" that he is interested in.  I think about them doing the things we couldn't do together due to the distance between us.  Her cooking for him (which I already know she did because he posted pictures of it online), walking on the beach, going to carnivals, going on cute little dates.  I wonder if he has as great of a time with her as he did with me.
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lhd981
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« Reply #2 on: May 21, 2013, 05:11:39 PM »

My ex's final words to me, 359 days ago, were "I deserve SO much better than you!", with a cold sneer. Even as I gradually detach and no longer find myself in the longing and doubt cycles, it still hurts me to think about.

Yet, while it may hurt to think of her creating new memories with somebody else, through my detachment and healing, I think I figured out what she meant by those final words: "I deserve somebody with no backbone, who will put up with my [expletive] and never stand up to me or try to enforce boundaries at all." I sincerely wish her the best of luck in finding that person.
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crystalclear
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« Reply #3 on: May 22, 2013, 06:50:32 AM »

Sango216 - So true, those words ring in my ears like he said them yesterday... . both the love language and those shamefull and painfull 'go aways'... . and how easily these were spoken... . He was once angry even if i touched him... .

He seems to have got a 'better match' now, the images play like a movie in my head of their first date, their possible conversations, their engagement last month and their wedding next month... . I was supposed to be in these but he has got some one so quickly while i am struggling with my lonliness and void... .

lhd981 - I wish to make peace with myself one day... . I know he will never contact me again for no great fault of mine but since he seems to have happily moved on... . and does not need me any more... . I am trying to heal these open wounds each day... . and get myself together again... . Hope i do... . sooner than later as its already been 3 months... . and its terribly painful... .
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DarkCurls54
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« Reply #4 on: May 22, 2013, 07:00:31 AM »

It has been my experience that the "women in his life" are masochistic long-suffering madonna types with terrible low self-esteem.  That is why they put him on a pedestal AND why most of them are half his age. He is their Mr. Wonderful Guitar Hero.  They idolize him so much that they don't even REGISTER that he is treating them contemptibly and calling it "love."

While we may go into mourning for the experiences that we will never have with the pwBPD, I am willing to guess that none of us posting here would want to BE the kind of person that our exes have found "true love" WITH!

Because we love ourselves - even after having been ravaged by trying to have a relationship with a horribly damaged person - because we love ourselves, the pwBPD feels that we do not have enough "Love" left in us to also "love" them.

We will get over this and we will go on to help others who have been similarly wounded.
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WalrusGumboot
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« Reply #5 on: May 22, 2013, 07:25:59 AM »

I think when they move on so easy and start a new relationship like we never existed, it really damages our own ego. Weren't we the center of the universe to them at one time? Much of the initial pain we feel comes from this.

Yes, the train of memories kept coming for quite some time. The sting of the memories eventually lessened to the point where now, 13 months later, I don't find myself reacting hardly at all to them. The memories become less frequent to the point where there are days when none come to mind all day.

It gets better. I promise!

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"If your're going through hell, keep going..." Winston Churchill
TippyTwo
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« Reply #6 on: May 22, 2013, 07:47:09 AM »

I think when they move on so easy and start a new relationship like we never existed, it really damages our own ego. Weren't we the center of the universe to them at one time? Much of the initial pain we feel comes from this.

Yes, the train of memories kept coming for quite some time. The sting of the memories eventually lessened to the point where now, 13 months later, I don't find myself reacting hardly at all to them. The memories become less frequent to the point where there are days when none come to mind all day.

It gets better. I promise!

Walrus,

Something struck me when reading this post.

"Weren't we the center of the universe to them at one time?"

I don't believe we were the center of the universe to them and herein lies the difficulty. We were sold a bills of goods, so to speak, to fill their needs. I very much felt like a tool and an object and means to an end. It never felt it was me - the person. It was all about their need.

For me, the obsessive type thoughts have been the result of trying to process the BPD experience using a non BPD experience. It is like trying to compare apples and oranges. It's like speaking different languages.

For me, the emotion attached to the thoughts began to lessen when I started putting things in a different perspective. The more I started to understand the BPD language and behavior, the less the thoughts caused me confused emotional reactions.

It's like that decoder ring babyducks spoke about. ABC means this to me as a nonBPD. ABC means something totally different to a pwBPD.

It does get better. Easier. Decoding helps a lot.

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WalrusGumboot
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« Reply #7 on: May 22, 2013, 08:07:34 AM »

I don't believe we were the center of the universe to them and herein lies the difficulty. We were sold a bills of goods, so to speak, to fill their needs.

I agree with you. It is better stated that we were made to believe we were the center of the universe.

And the truth is what really hurts and crushes our ego. Not only were we not that special to them, we were made a fool of because we believed it. And nobody likes being made a fool.
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"If your're going through hell, keep going..." Winston Churchill
crystalclear
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« Reply #8 on: May 22, 2013, 09:15:51 AM »

It's like that decoder ring babyducks spoke about. ABC means this to me as a nonBPD. ABC means something totally different to a pwBPD.

It does get better. Easier. Decoding helps a lot.[/quote]
Hi mcauleyan - The thing you mentioned about decoding or thinking like a pwBPD does help calm our nerves and answers a few of those troubling queries... . But the problem with that for me is at times enter a zone of analysis... . and it bothers me more when i return to scratch i.e; confusion if he was a pwBPD and NPD (most of his traits to match) but he is undiagnosed since he lived in his 'real' world that he has the controls of his life of 'practical living' i.e never make decissions emotionally but always rationally. And he pictured me as an 'emotional' or less rational person but said he was attracted to my free spirited-fun nature, reminded him of his 20's life. And always gave me a lecture of living life 'rationally'.

Walrus - Spot on! that's how i felt... . like i was an experiment he tried and learnt what ever he needed to and then applied his learning on someone else... . He walked in woed me, put me on the pedestal and then broke my heart... . after his analysis and profit and loss statement showed a loss being with me now as i know him so well... . and he was now frustrated about me becuz he could not control me/my life and that i argued back when he abused me or picked a fight... . and wasn't keeping my mouth shut and simply accepting what ever he accused me of... .
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Sango216
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« Reply #9 on: May 22, 2013, 09:45:43 AM »

crystalclear:

I think what we must always remember is that regardless of how happy they seem with their new lovers, eventually their "illness" and their true selves will begin to show.  They couldn't hide it from us for long and they won't be able to hide it from their new lovers either. 

Don't judge me (and you might get a laugh out of this), but whenever I find myself dwelling on those awful words, I quote one of my favorite movies:  Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.  Harry says to the dark lord:  "You're the weak one. And you'll never know love, or friendship. And I feel sorry for you."  BPD sufferers... . they'll never truly be able to love someone due to their illness.  It will always be idealization, then the realization that they are not perfect, and then devaluation.  It will never be genuine.  They will never know what true love feels like, and for that I pity them.

Keep your head up!

Best,

Sango
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TippyTwo
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« Reply #10 on: May 22, 2013, 10:05:30 AM »

Hi mcauleyan - The thing you mentioned about decoding or thinking like a pwBPD does help calm our nerves and answers a few of those troubling queries... . But the problem with that for me is at times enter a zone of analysis... . and it bothers me more when i return to scratch i.e; confusion if he was a pwBPD and NPD (most of his traits to match) but he is undiagnosed since he lived in his 'real' world that he has the controls of his life of 'practical living' i.e never make decissions emotionally but always rationally. And he pictured me as an 'emotional' or less rational person but said he was attracted to my free spirited-fun nature, reminded him of his 20's life. And always gave me a lecture of living life 'rationally'.

Crystal,

From what I have seen on this site, many of us have partners or exes that have not been formally diagnosed. And, from some of the educational material, we know how difficult it is to diagnose due to many factors.

My ex was very high functioning, middle management. Yet, I could see the same types of behavior when it came to her work. She was always fighting against rules, missing deadlines, saying things she later denied or had no memory of, poor boundaries with subordinates etc.

I had to learn to let go of her words and pay attention to the actions/behavior. She knew the words that made her look or appear to be a certain way. But, she couldn't pull off the corresponding behavior.

Using your example, my ex would say a decision should be logic based. Then, when faced with making a decision, she seemed unsure of what factors to figure in. She knew the words but she didn't know how to pull it off in reality. Thus, she usually made spur of the moment kind of decisions based on how she was feeling at that particular moment rather then weighing in the pros and cons. Even if we discussed the pros and cons, she didn't know assign value one way or the other.

To her that was logic based decision making. To me it was impulsive and emotion based.

The other thing to keep in mind... . we give the pwBPD a lot of our personal power. The dance wont work unless we do. When I look at what you wrote, I see you focusing on him, his words, his thoughts, his perceptions. What about how you saw or see things? We are kind of programmed to deny our reality for the sake of their reality.

I know what I am trying to say, I'm just not sure it is coming out right.
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Bananas
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« Reply #11 on: May 22, 2013, 11:03:43 AM »

I don't believe we were the center of the universe to them and herein lies the difficulty. We were sold a bills of goods, so to speak, to fill their needs.

I agree with you. It is better stated that we were made to believe we were the center of the universe.

And the truth is what really hurts and crushes our ego. Not only were we not that special to them, we were made a fool of because we believed it. And nobody likes being made a fool.

Yep this sucks.  And my ex likes to rub it in my face that he is so happy now and how is life is so much better now that he is in a stable relationship. 
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crystalclear
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« Reply #12 on: May 22, 2013, 11:37:04 AM »

Don't judge me (and you might get a laugh out of this), but whenever I find myself dwelling on those awful words, I quote one of my favorite movies:  Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.  Harry says to the dark lord:  "You're the weak one. And you'll never know love, or friendship. And I feel sorry for you."  BPD sufferers... . they'll never truly be able to love someone due to their illness.  It will always be idealization, then the realization that they are not perfect, and then devaluation.  It will never be genuine.  They will never know what true love feels like, and for that I pity them.

Keep your head up!

Best,

Sango

Sango - I loved the point you made by picking the line from the movie (i'm a BIG fan of HP). You might be very right in pointing how their real self surfaces in time. The sad part is that we gave everything up or to this person even in their most nasty state/behavior and in their lowest lows... . that a sudden abandonment does not make sense in the hindsight. I don't think i can forgive him for what he has done to me and my family indirectly. I can't believe the mixed bag of emotions i have been carrying with me - hate/sadness/anger none of which are healthy to us.

To her that was logic based decision making. To me it was impulsive and emotion based.

The other thing to keep in mind... . we give the pwBPD a lot of our personal power. The dance wont work unless we do. When I look at what you wrote, I see you focusing on him, his words, his thoughts, his perceptions. What about how you saw or see things? We are kind of programmed to deny our reality for the sake of their reality.

I know what I am trying to say, I'm just not sure it is coming out right.

mcauleyan - This was more or less the same condition of him as well. I don't understand what has rationality to do with people you say you love or care for. Especially when you want to spend the rest of your life with them.

From where i come we are taught by the society that a woman needs to compromise, sacrifice and adjust as per a Man's wants/needs (clap trap). It's like me against the society. He infact was an MCP, and openly accepted that... . like its some applaudable achievement! (Red Flag again)

I guess i was (Am?) addicted to him so much that i lost my ability to think for myself, to stop voilating my self respect, was loosing sight of my own identity - the confident, fun loving and independent ME. d -I I now see  He was a very confident, smart and rudely rational guy at workplace. He was blunt and cocky in an discussion with his associates and team. All his life he tried applying the same calculations with everyone. He was a mama's boy becuz his mother is a well known professional in her industry and has a huge network of top-notch pros and socialites (he reaps the benefits from). He always bragged about it like they were his connections. But when he was with me he behaved like i was THE most important person in his world and he could was mushy with until he got me to do what he wanted - to take him to my parents so we could get married asap. Although our marriage was fixed, due to his continued emotional abuse - i called it off and suggest we work on the issues (both his and mine) before go fwd. From that day on, i began to see a completely different person, a guy who was more abusive, more on the face rude, blamed me for his shortcomings, asked me to not go out with friends or concerts or dance classes (everything i enjoyed) because he was insecure abt guys being around me. And best part - i gave up! and that still dint make him happy as now he began to bring up the past actions i did. I can't change the past but certainly wish to forget about him... . or feel NOTHING for him someday on... .

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Sango216
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« Reply #13 on: May 22, 2013, 03:16:57 PM »

Crystalclear:

You're a fan too?  Cool!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I know it seems difficult to forgive someone who has hurt you this much, but (here I go quoting again) I truly believe that "life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got."  It will truly set you free.  The ability to forgive those who have wronged us in the most unimaginable ways is what makes us human.  With this forgiveness comes the release of those unhealthy feelings. 

I honestly think what has helped me is learning more about BPD.  Yes, sometimes I do still feel angry when I think about what my former boyfriend did, but knowing that he could be suffering this much inside makes me pity him, and because I pity him I feel the need to forgive him.  He lacks the ability to truly understand the depth of his issues.  He is in denial, and all I can do is hope that he gets help.
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