Mother's day dilemma

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone.  As all of us that have a mother with BPD know, today is mother's day.  I struggled for a while on what I was going to do today, if anything at all.  I have been NC for about six months now, since my mother's terrible and indifferent reaction to my engagement caused me to have a series of panic attacks.  Here is the dilemma - on one side, I feel terribly sorry for my pathetic and sad mother, who has had a life filled with broken relationships and refuses to do anything about it, always blaming someone else and seeking reassurance from those who really don't know her that she is not crazy after all.  These feelings tell me she is really a good but sick person deep down, and in her crazy way she really loves me.  This makes me want to send her an email, a card, something.  The other stronger side tells me I should just stay away to protect myself, that all of these feelings of understanding her ways and sickness have only brought me pain because every time I tried to have any type of relationship with her, it comes back to bite me.  The other side also tells me that even if I decided to send her a mother's day card, I would be lying, because in the end I truly do not think I even love her anymore.  She has hurt and pushed me away for over 30 years, and something inside of me has finally died - my love for her simply does not exist anymore.  The other thing too, I am incredibly terrified that if I send her a card or an email, she will think this means open communication again, thus returning to her old ways of incessant phone calls, showing up unannounced, etc.  Then comes the other side again, telling me I should nevertheless be the bigger, healthier person, and send her something.  Anyone having those conflicting feelings?

[healing_orlando]

Hello everyone.  As all of us that have a mother with BPD know, today is mother's day.  I struggled for a while on what I was going to do today, if anything at all.  I have been NC for about six months now, since my mother's terrible and indifferent reaction to my engagement caused me to have a series of panic attacks.  Here is the dilemma - on one side, I feel terribly sorry for my pathetic and sad mother, who has had a life filled with broken relationships and refuses to do anything about it, always blaming someone else and seeking reassurance from those who really don't know her that she is not crazy after all.  These feelings tell me she is really a good but sick person deep down, and in her crazy way she really loves me.  This makes me want to send her an email, a card, something.  The other stronger side tells me I should just stay away to protect myself, that all of these feelings of understanding her ways and sickness have only brought me pain because every time I tried to have any type of relationship with her, it comes back to bite me.  The other side also tells me that even if I decided to send her a mother's day card, I would be lying, because in the end I truly do not think I even love her anymore.  She has hurt and pushed me away for over 30 years, and something inside of me has finally died - my love for her simply does not exist anymore.  The other thing too, I am incredibly terrified that if I send her a card or an email, she will think this means open communication again, thus returning to her old ways of incessant phone calls, showing up unannounced, etc.  Then comes the other side again, telling me I should nevertheless be the bigger, healthier person, and send her something.  Anyone having those conflicting feelings?

[ScarletOlive]

Hey healing_orlando,

I'm sorry you had such a tough time. You're not alone with conflicting feelings.   What did you decide to do this Mother's Day? What do you want from your relationship with your mother?

I view my mom as a hurt person who loves me the best she can, but whom I have to keep myself safe from. Sometimes this holiday can be really gushy and lovey-dovey. It sounds like you love your mom but wouldn't count her as the best in the world? If you wanted to send a card, there are cards out there that offer that-the more simple ones that just say "I love you." I like those ones.

Sending you much caring and support, dear one.

[mommies dearest]

You are totally NOT alone with your feelings.  I could have written this post myself, it is such an exact replica of how I'm feeling this Mother's Day.  This holiday always makes me feel like I'm stuck between the proverbial "rock and a hard place".  Ultimately, I chose to send nothing, but really there is no right or wrong thing to do.  Hope you can find peace in whatever choice you made.

[Claire]

Hi healing_orlando,

Just wanting to say I read your post and you capture some of the feelings so perfectly. I too am living in the tension between being hurt & wanting to give up on the relationship in order to grieve and move on, and knowing that my mom is truly ill and trying in a very broken way to love me. And the wanting to be healthy in the relationship, but risking being hurt again... .  I really identify with what you said.

I know that doesn't make Mother's day, or any day, any easier. So, for whatever it's worth, I see you, I hear your difficulty, and I really hope the best for you in figuring out such a confusing relationship.   

[NonBPDaughter]

Hi Healing Orlando,

I remember from previous posts you and I are in startlingly similar situations. Mothers day is tough, im sorry you had a hard day and I hope you are ok with whatever decision you made.

Healing Orlando, i want to be blunt with you. If you resume contact with your mother, which is absolutely fine, we would all have our mothers in our life if we could, coming up to you wedding day you will really need to set some firm and clear boundaries. If i knew before my wedding day what i know now! My mother ruined every single aspect she could; the engagement (the party she didnt attend and as for the proposal you can imagine what she had to say about that!), the planning was a total nightmare, fights at every turn about everything, the dress, venues, menus, flowers EVERYTHING! The day was ruined for me when (she didnt speak to me for 3 days leading up to it) when she told me point blank i didnt have her blessing, and later i overheard her telling guests that it wouldnt last!

Are you currently, or still seeing anyone or getting any kind of therapy? I have found it so so useful at helping me to create boundaries and also to cope with the general craziness that is my mum. Its so important that you focus on you and looking after youself so you can get to a place where you can at the very least cope with BPD. I just cant express how much therapy has helped me.

I hope youre day wasnt too tough, big hugs x

[Cordelia]

Oh, I have these feelings all too often.  It's totally normal.  Separating from a parent is such a big decision, who would be able to do it thoughtlessly? 

There's actually a song that really speaks to me about this very issue, Mumford and Son's "The Cave."  My favorite lines:

So make your siren's call

And sing all you want

I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now

And I need to know how

To live my life as it's meant to be

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tL_Ye0h5xEI

This song can be interpreted in lots of ways of course but I hear it as a very clear statements of someone who is extricating themselves from a relationship that is suffocating them in order to live life on their own terms.  It's difficult and it requires strength to ignore those voices that say things like "you really should... .  "  "she's not that bad... .  "  "you can handle it... .  "  "she really loves you... .  " in order to drag you back into a toxic relationship.  Listen to your gut, not your head, which is full of other people's thoughts, put there for their own purposes.  Do you WANT to be in touch with your mom right now?  Really?  Why?  If you can answer those questions honestly and completely and they correspond with a real desire within you, great, knock yourself out, give this relationship another go.  But if there's no real desire within you to resume contact and you're only motivated by others' expectations of you, shut out those "sirens' songs" and be true to yourself. 

[donniesgrrl]

Oh, I have these feelings all too often.  It's totally normal.  Separating from a parent is such a big decision, who would be able to do it thoughtlessly? 

There's actually a song that really speaks to me about this very issue, Mumford and Son's "The Cave."  My favorite lines:

So make your siren's call

And sing all you want

I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now

And I need to know how

To live my life as it's meant to be

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tL_Ye0h5xEI

This song can be interpreted in lots of ways of course but I hear it as a very clear statements of someone who is extricating themselves from a relationship that is suffocating them in order to live life on their own terms.  It's difficult and it requires strength to ignore those voices that say things like "you really should... .  "  "she's not that bad... .  "  "you can handle it... .  "  "she really loves you... .  " in order to drag you back into a toxic relationship.  Listen to your gut, not your head, which is full of other people's thoughts, put there for their own purposes.  Do you WANT to be in touch with your mom right now?  Really?  Why?  If you can answer those questions honestly and completely and they correspond with a real desire within you, great, knock yourself out, give this relationship another go.  But if there's no real desire within you to resume contact and you're only motivated by others' expectations of you, shut out those "sirens' songs" and be true to yourself. 

Wow! I am going to have to put this song in my Itunes rotation... .  I have really found "Titanium" by David Guetta healing too, its a good one to belt out in the car :

You shout it out,

But I can't hear a word you say

I'm talking loud not saying much

I'm criticized but all your bullets ricochet

You shoot me down, but I get up

[Chorus:]

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose

Fire away, fire away

Ricochet, you take your aim

Fire away, fire away

You shoot me down but I won't fall

I am titanium

You shoot me down but I won't fall

I am titanium

[Sia:]

Cut me down

But it's you who'll have further to fall

Ghost town and haunted love

Raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones

I'm talking loud not saying much

[Chorus:]

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose

Fire away, fire away

Ricochet, you take your aim

Fire away, fire away

You shoot me down but I won't fall

I am titanium

You shoot me down but I won't fall

I am titanium

I am titanium

I am titanium

[Sia:]

Stone-hard, machine gun

Firing at the ones who run

Stone-hard as bulletproof glass

[Chorus:]

You shoot me down but I won't fall

I am titanium

You shoot me down but I won't fall

I am titanium

You shoot me down but I won't fall

I am titanium

You shoot me down but I won't fall

I am titanium

I am titanium

[healing_orlando]

Thank you everyone for the thoughtful replies.  You have no idea how much you have helped me.  Thank you!

[BeachChick]

I am new to the boards and it was my mother's day 'bombshell' that sent me to the web looking for help and validation when I saw this post. I, too, have always struggled with mother's day. I always got depressed when I tried to find a mother's day card for my uBPDm. There was not much in the sentiments of the cards that matched how I felt. I think I always ended up getting a funny one because, truthfully, I think laughing about my situation is what has kept me fairly healthy emotionally. Healing_Orland, everything you wrote here, I can relate to.

I have been LC with my mother for about 10 months. We only exchange brief emails, usually when I have sent her pics of her grandkids or a gift. I have had feelings lately that I would like to try a telephone call with my mom. I was hopeful that maybe we could establish some form of contact since she is getting older and by herself. The week before mother's day, I sent my mom a package (we live in different cities) which was delivered before mother's day. I was expecting a message from her but it never came. I almost picked up the phone on mother's day and called but because I had not received an email from her (and no reply to one I had sent her), I became fearful that she would be raging on the phone at me and I didn't want her to ruin my mother's day with my family. Well, long story short, I did some research and discovered that my mother had sold her home (my childhood home), disconnected her phones (with no forwarding information) and told her neighbors not to tell me where she went! Luckily, they did tell me that she went to live with my sister in a different city. My sister and my mom have had an LC relationship for years so to say I was shocked was an understatement. I suspect my sister may be BPD, too. I've been NC with her for years (that's a whole other story).  I am very lucky that I have a wonderful husband and a fairly normal family life. There is no drama in my house and my family was wonderful to me on mother's day. I now have my mother's contact information because she emailed my 13yo daughter (her way of keeping tabs on ME).  I find my mother's act of moving and the way she did it to be very hurtful and vengeful. I can honestly say that I don't have that desire to talk to her now so I guess we are back to square one.

Thanks to everyone who posted on this thread. I found it very helpful. Some of your stories sound so eerily familiar.

[orania]

Healing_Orlando,

Have you read some of the articles on the site?  I would highly recommend skimming through them. I even ended up memorizing parts of them and scribbling them down on paper to have handy the first several times I went to visit my mom after my own breakthrough.  I want to reiterate what some other posts/post-writers have said.  BOUNDARIES are really essential and key, and boundaries are about YOU--drawing clear lines in the sand to keep you safe--not to try to control your BPDm. 

It's been 2 and 1/2 years since I found out my mom had BPD. We didn't speak for almost 6 months.  She kept writing passive aggressive emails and facebook messages, and I simply said, "If you want to talk,  you need to call me."  So she finally did.  That was my first step.  I couldn't cut my mother out of my life completely, but that is my personal choice.  I have done a lot of work on creating boundaries in my own life.  I also refuse to react the way she wants me to when she says hurtful things. I change the subject, create physical distance, or say, "you know, I really have to go. Talk later" and hang up the phone.  After time, I have changed the way we interact and the way I respond to her.  Now, this doesn't mean she has changed. But it has cut down on the fallout, the drama, my anger and my guilt.  I realize now that she will NEVER EVER reach out to me and she will always hold me responsible.  That sometimes still gets me.  But I just do what I feel is right and I don't let her get to me the way I used to.  That has been the hardest thing I've had to learn.  That I cannot make her responsible or make her accountable for her actions.  Now, there is an often overlooked silver lining to this vein of thinking: I am now free to be accountable to myself. If I don't want to talk--I don't call. If I feel like it, then I do. I have decided it is what it is and that is HER problem. NOT MINE. 

Anyway, I only say so much about myself to illustrate a way to find peace and to have a relationship with a parent who has BPD.  I hope you find your way.  It sounds like you are on the right path. It all starts with identifying those off-kilter behaviors and knowing when you feel you aren't safe.