BPD Husband and ME

[Rouge123]

Hello,

I'm 31 years old. I've been involved with a high fuctioning BPD for the last ten years (on and off of course). Two children in tow, girls ages 13 and 6. Not until a week ago, until my husbands latest rage ended with police being called, social services visiting the kids at school, and a voluntary committal to the psyche ward (my husband), had I learned of this thing called BPD. The Walking on Eggshells book and this website are helping me tremendously.

I moved out of our home after the last rage and have been staying with family. Last night I made the choice to move myself and the kids back into the home. My BPDh is a textbook BPD. All the i's are dotted and t's are crossed when I compare him to the situations I am reading about. I think he feels relieved that he has an answer for the chaotic thoughts that go thru his mind. His perception of reality when exposed to "triggers" is very much off, so I'm not sure how much accountability he will be able to own. He isn't always raging, but he is usually irritated with me and the children, never with anyone else. He has a lot of good qualities, for example, today he and our little girl planted flowers while me and the older child were at the dentist. What a nice surprise that was when I got home. I made sure to let him know how awesome that was.

I don't want to make excuses for him but now I'm in the crossfire wth my family. My mother (recently diagnosed with breast cancer) was crying when she learned we had moved back with BPDh today. She thinks I'm making a huge mistake. My sister thinks I'm making a huge mistake. My oldest daughter thinks I'm making a huge mistake. I on the other hand don't know if I'm making a huge mistake or not. Suffering from my own mental illnesses (I was diagnosed while in my teen years with schitzophrenia, bipolar tendencies, intermittent explosive disorder, depression) I have become codependant on this relationship.

I don't have bad relationships with other people. I prefer being a loner and spend most of my time at home or at the gym. I make sure to take care of myself physically for the mental health benefits! I am capable of holding a job and "appearing" very well to the world outside, as is my BPDh (with the exception of someone who has seen us in action).  I don't want to make excuses for my husband's behavior. I don't want to put my family in the position of savior when I need them and then turn around and put myself back in the chaos. But I do, I always have, and I did it this week.

Having been educating myself with this illness I can see now that my husband is more than the bleeping bleep I gave him credit for. I can now look back and see the abandonment fear he has always held, the black and white thinking he directs at my 13 year old daughter that she is bad (never good), the porn addiction, the misperception of words and events, the blame game, the feeling that nothing he does is right. I feel that after living like we have for so long, now that he is talking to a therapist, now that he's on mood stabilizer meds, I want to see if there's a difference in his behaviors. I could do that while separated but I don't want to be separated. I want to be in my home, where as chaotic as it is, it's comfortable.  Going back to my BPDh made my mom cry.  I feel like I can never win.

I'm going to try at this relationship again. I can't tell you how many times we have "tried again", how many chances we keep giving to this relationship only to verbally abuse each other and repeat the cycle (no physical abuse) . It's hurting everyone. I feel like I have the upperhand right now. I'm learning how his brain/logic is not "normal". I'm learning how he must feel inside. How to better handle him when he's about to explode. I'm learning to validate (without putting validating into action yet, I am almost certain it will make a difference.  He's always demanded it, and I always felt as though he didn't deserve it. Yes, I constantly add gas to the fire). I have been practicing in my head how I will best be able to control myself when he can't control himself. I am an extremely emotional individual, so to take his rages and disregard my emotions will be a HUGE challenge for me. I will envision him as the ball of fury he is at that time and I will do whatever I can to reach for the water can instead of the gas can. He is willing to set boundaries. Will he be able to stay w/in the boundaries? Maybe with proper medication and therapy he can. Maybe not.

This support group is my saving grace right now. Thank you - J

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[arabella]

Hi Rouge!

Thank you for sharing your story here! Wow. What a tough situation! It does sound though like you have some reason for hope - your H's diagnosis puts you both on the right path going forward. I can't tell you whether things will get better or not, but you're here and you're learning, so at the very least you will get better and have some support!

I could do that while separated but I don't want to be separated. I want to be in my home, where as chaotic as it is, it's comfortable.  Going back to my BPDh made my mom cry.  I feel like I can never win.

You can't win because your version of 'winning' involves pleasing everyone else. It can't be done. You need to do what is best for yourself and your children. Everyone is going to have an opinion, and many of them come from a place of care and concern for you, but that's all it is - their opinion. There are always many factors to balance and, in the end, you are the one living your life and you need to be in control of it. That said, your eldest daughter has expressed her discomfort with moving back - since this directly affects her, she has to live there, I would give that much more weight. Is there a therapist available for your kids? This must be very hard on them and I imagine that they could use some professional support too.

Keep posting, asking questions, and letting us know how things develop!

[united for now]

Welcome to staying, where we learn and share our experiences to stop making things worse to make them better.

Knowledg is the first step.

The next step seems counter intuitive, But you need to work on yourself (not just physically). The more stable you are the more stable the relationship will be. We have to be the leaders if we expect any improvement. Cause if we continue to follow them then we will continue to get heartache and pain.

At this point I wouldn't try convincing your family of anything. They are hurt and don't have the same perspectives (or attachment) that you do. Love them and allow them to speak their opinion without becoming defensive. They love you and are scared... .

This is a fantastic place, so keep reading and sharing.

Are you seeing your own counselor?