Ex girlfriend, suicide attempts, depression, BPD?, heartbroken, advice & support

[mbgeezle]

Hi. I spent 6 years with this girl. With one major split. We met at 17, fell madly in ' puppy love ' I like to call it. We lived together with her mother and younger sister for 2 years. We moved in with a friend of mine at 19 and I gradually got GIGS ( grass is greener syndrome) and broke her heart. It had been coming, we weren't intimate for a while and had been arguing over pointless things. I still see her face that day like it was yesterday. After 4-5 months of the single life, I realised I loved her more than anything and I had to win her back. I did and we decided to give it another go. I got my own place with a friend and she lived with her mother. She would come and stay with me on weekends and in the week when we weren't working. I enjoyed nothing more than putting my feet up with her and enjoying a peaceful weekend with the girl I loved

Fast forward to January this year. She started having major drinking binges, to the point of not remembering a thing the next day. She would ring me up at all hours verbally abusing me, , telling me I didn't care about her, questioning me about the most random things etc. I used to just say your drunk and I'll speak to you when your sober,  she'd continue harassing my phone and threatening me and everything. One morning she rang me at 11am, absolutely wasted, rambling about God knows what and abusing me. She chucked her Iphone that day and I was panic stricken, had no clue where she was or what had happened. She rang me a few hours later off her mother's phone screaming asking me what had happened. I didn't no obviously and she'd say her usual 'never again' speech. These binges continued 3-4 times a week. Also using cocaine.

She continued with the drinking, accept now she'd ring me crying, saying she feels sad, doesn't no why,  I'd question her as to what had triggered it, 'I don't no, nothing triggers it'. I'd try and console her the best way I could. She'd come and stay with me at weekends and drink a bottle of wine like water. But stopped at one bottle because I didn't agree with being so drunk.

Then the suicide texts started, she couldn't sleep at home but always slept well when staying with me. She would text me and ring me at all hours of the night, saying she feels sad as I've previously said, then she'd send me texts saying she can't take the pain anymore and she was going and it was best for us and we'd be sad for abit and get over it. I pleaded with her, told her how much we all loved her and we'd never turn our back on her. The only other real support she had was her mother. Who has an adult son who is no hope and a 14yr old daughter who thinks she's 24.

She attempted suicide. She took a huge amount of paracetamol and ibuprofen. She was rushed to hospital. I was so angry and confused and frightened that I couldn't bring myself to go to her bed side. I told her depression doesn't exist, I don't understand, what causes it. All things that are completely naive and uneducated.  I realise that now. A week or so later she attempted it again. She rang me around 4am saying she needed me and was in hospital. I cancelled work, got on a train to the hospital and rushed to her bedside, she barely acknowledged me, I couldn't believe what she had done. I barely said much just told her to get some sleep and I stroked her hair and kissed her head and left after a few hours.

She was put on citalopram ( anti depressants ) and saw a councillor once or twice. She stopped the councilling and just continued taking the tablets. She still continued drinking for a while and still using cocaine. She rang me one day saying she had got in debt for coke she couldn't pay for and she didn't no what to do and needed my help. So I paid the debt and told her to come and stay with me for the foreseeable future. She agreed and paid the debt and came to stay with me. The first day she came, she didn't look right, her eyes seemed dead, she said she didn't no what was going on in her head. I came that close to getting her sectioned, she said she wanted to. When we had both calmed down, I took her for a walk  and she opened up for the first time in a long time.  She cries and I held her as she said she didn't like what she was turning into and she didn't even enjoy drinking anyway

I spent the next 2 weeks nurturing her. Cooking her healthy food, taking her for walks in the fresh air, helped her get into a normal sleeping pattern. I waited on her hand and foot. She seemed to be getting better.  She'd been on the anti depressants for around 6 weeks.  At the end of her fortnight stay her birthday was coming up. So I I organised a weekend away. 5* hotel, posh meal and a massage in a posh spa. You name it, I did it. She expressed to her mother and me beforehand how excited she was. We had an amazing weekend, apart from the one night she had a drink. She could barely stand so I said enough is enough and your not having any more. She pleaded with me for just one more drink. I was trying to be the father she never had (who drunk himself to dementia and is in a home) and I was boring and ruined everything. She fell asleep, apologised when she woke up and said she was not going to drink anymore because she can't have a good relationship with alcohol.

[mbgeezle]

We cuddled each other on the coach journey home and she even made a point of staying the night we got back from our weekend away because she knew she wouldn't see me for a week or so due to work commitments. She left, kissed me goodbye, told me she loved me lots as she always did and that was that. After 5 days of her being slightly distant and disinterested. She tells me she wants to be on her own, she's happy being single etc. I'm obviously distraught. I ask her if she loves me 'course I love you, I just need space' 'course your not losing me'. 'Your my soul mate'. After 4-5 days of pure confusion and heartache. She ends it by text message. 'It's over, I love you but it doesn't feel like enough, sorry'. I can't believe my eyes. After 4-5 days of her ignoring all my calls and texts, I reach a point of desperation and go to her home. She's in bed at 2pm,  her mother wakes her and she comes down and looks at me like a stranger, laughs at me and says what are you doing here. We go for a walk, she says she doesn't love me anymore, barely pays any attention to me pouring my heart out. She's more interested in looking in peoples windows who she knows to see if there in. I say there's someone else,  she says who's told you. She said I'm talking to someone else yeah, we go out as a group blah blah. I then find out once i return home that it could of been going on for up to four months or the minimum of a month behind my back. The whole time, especially the last month she led me to believe she was so mentally ill and that close to being sectioned but she was having the very least an emotional affair with someone else. I bombard her with messages about rebounds and depression for days. She ignores them. Out The blue she texts me saying 'he treats me good, knows everything about her, likes her for who she is and knows what she's like and doesn't care. I'm completely dumbfounded. Was the depression and suicide attempts a cover up for her deceit? How could whe act completely normal towards me like she always had?  Obviously the drinking is an added factor but she was never any different with me up until 5 days from retuning home from her birthday weekend. It makes no sense. That day I saw her she didn't shed one tear, didn't seem sorry, didn't even speak the same. She seemed like a complete stranger. She does tend to speak differently after hanging around with certain people etc. I feel used abused and ive served my purpose.  And now I've been replaced like I meant nothing. Any options, advice, anything at all to help me through this? I don't have many people to turn to and I'm relying on these forums to help me put things in to perspective. Your help and advice would be great

[mbgeezle]

Basically are there signs there that she has some kind of BPD?

Can people lie to your face repeatedly and not show any signs?

Do you think she will ever feel any kind of empathy or sadness at the way she has treated me?

Do you think it was all a cover up for her deceit?

She has lied to her gp about drinking etc. I'm just so lost. There was not one sign that she was going to leave me. But when confronted she said she'd been feeling like it for a while. If she had been, she was severely depressed whilst making a huge decision to dump her boyfriend of 6 years for a guy she's known a matter of months. It just doesn't add up. . Sorry for the rant I just need to get it out and gain opinions and feedback. If you need any background on her past and the things she's experienced then I'd be happy to share it. I no her past plays a huge part in who she is today. Her father being the main factor.

[mbgeezle]

Any advice at all. I'm doing NC and im on day 6. She contacted me last Friday after I went NC for 7 days with the words 'how r u' and that is it. I said I'm great, I don't need small talk on how I am. Only contact me if it's about reconciliation. I forgive u for your wrongdoings and I wish u all the best. Not even a reply. I sent her a few messages anyway saying I don't no if we'll never speak again or be together again but the only thing I can do is live and move on if either are to happen. Still nothing. I was tempted to break NC this morning as I felt extremely low and down but I've resisted and feel better now. Please offer your advice on wether this could be BPD or just a cold hearted individual who harbours no moral compass.

[mbgeezle]

I just want to clarify I have NO interest in being with her again. Even if my heart tells me to, I no my head will be smarter than that. I forgive her for what she has done because I need to do that if I'm to get over an this. I want her to be happy with or without me and that proves my love for her in my eyes. I feel I did all I could to stay by her side through the darkest time I her life.  But it now seems none of it matters, the happy pills have kicked in and she no longer loves me, has a new found social group from the horrible area she lives in, and a new man to match. I went beyond the call of duty with her so many times and what I've done is reverse roles, if it had been me going out with my mates, getting drunk all the time, sniffing cocaine, being verbally abusive and saying things that I now no I should of questioned my trust for her. But I was blinded. I could never go back to that. She's caused me to much pain for that. I'm just trying to o determine if this is BPD, depression, signs of bipolar disorder.  Or just someone who is completely devised of all emotions and feelings. We've been through an unbelievable amount together from heartache together to joy together. None of it seems to matter to her now. I've had no apology, no wishing me the best for my life, nothing. If anyone has any input, please voice it. I'm on that road to recovery and not looking back. I just struggle to grasp how someone can cut you out of there life like a cancer and lie and deceive you for a long time and me being non the wiser.

[mango_flower]

Hi,

Have you read through the main 9 (I think?) criteria for BPD?  It definitely sounds like she has issues, not sure if BPD or not as there doesn't appear to be the obvious fear of being abandoned - but then, you may not have just mentioned that?

One thing I did notice that was very similar to my BPD ex was that she too was "suicidal" and "depressed" - I was so worried, she stayed away from home with work, told me she needed space and needed to be on her own, I was beside myself with worry - and now she is living with somebody she worked with those few weeks... .  my suspicions are that actually she was away having a great time, whilst I was fretting and stressing about her!  It's definitely a BPD trait that they can be a social chameleon.  Just mirroring other people.

Think back to the first few years you were together, did she show any BPD signs then?  Any red flags? Or was it just after the drinking started?

Sounds like you were there when she needed you, you have done all you can.  She needs help, and you can't help somebody unless they want it.

It hurts like hell, everyone here knows that.

So we are here to listen and let you know you're definitely not the only one going through this! x

[mbgeezle]

Hi,

Have you read through the main 9 (I think?) criteria for BPD?  It definitely sounds like she has issues, not sure if BPD or not as there doesn't appear to be the obvious fear of being abandoned - but then, you may not have just mentioned that?

One thing I did notice that was very similar to my BPD ex was that she too was "suicidal" and "depressed" - I was so worried, she stayed away from home with work, told me she needed space and needed to be on her own, I was beside myself with worry - and now she is living with somebody she worked with those few weeks... .  my suspicions are that actually she was away having a great time, whilst I was fretting and stressing about her!  It's definitely a BPD trait that they can be a social chameleon.  Just mirroring other people.

Think back to the first few years you were together, did she show any BPD signs then?  Any red flags? Or was it just after the drinking started?

Sounds like you were there when she needed you, you have done all you can.  She needs help, and you can't help somebody unless they want it.

It hurts like hell, everyone here knows that.

So we are here to listen and let you know you're definitely not the only one going through this! x

Thanks for your reply. She has always had a mean streak and terribly bad mood swings for as long as I can remember. She had been depressed before when she was a lot younger. Her dads in a home from alcohol abuse, her brother's aren't exactly the best role models with gambling problems, and also one has/had s cocaine habit. I tried to give her something better. It's just the feel of complete betrayal. I never saw any of this coming. She acted towards me as she always did up until 5 days after she had returned home from her birthday weekend! Which I'd made as special as I possibly could. Then the next thing I hear she has gained a reputation as a 'coke head' and from a 'messed up family' this is from a 3rd party who approached me, not vice versa. Rumours are rumours but there is no smoke without fire. She never seemed to think I'd leave her, probably completely the opposite as I put up with so much. Maybe she was trying to make me hate her so I'd get rid of her so she'd feel less guilt about leaving me for someone else. But I don't think that of her. Suicide attempts and depression can't be faked on that scale, and to make such a huge decision to leave me when she was barely into a 6 week course of anti depressants, it just doesn't add up. She changes the way she talks sometimes depending on who she has been with, blows complete hot and cold,  says hurtful things,  mostly when drunk. They say the truth comes out then. I'm just lost as I thought we where more in love than ever and she told me she loved me repeatedly and it was genuine, I would of seen the signs of her being distant. Considering she was so involved on our weekend away and wanted to make the most of our time together. It makes no sense

[Adanedhel]

I've been in your feet before. BPD, suicide attempts (aspirin, insulin), heartbroken, cheated, but mine wasn't drug addicted when I was with her (but was before).

For your answers, from my point of view:

*Basically are there signs there that she has some kind of BPD?

Yes, a few signs. A sociopath is not likely to harm himself. If she has or not, doesn't really matter, stick with us and this forum and you'll find confort and helpful advice in this place.

*Can people lie to your face repeatedly and not show any signs?

Unfortunately, they can. We usually think that others have similar values to our own. But BPD people lies are so stupid sometimes that they would be better if had told the truth. Its really sad, since this will make you don't trust them again.

*Do you think she will ever feel any kind of empathy or sadness at the way she has treated me?

No, never. Empathy, never. She may come back to you with sweet words, and they might be sincere at the time, but its only until they find something better. You are a tool for them.

*Do you think it was all a cover up for her deceit?

This is a hard way to say that. It was not intentional, it was nor personal. Its her disorder, and believe me, you are suffering now, but you know you'll heal in a few months. She is in a must worst place, since she's been suffering for a longer time, and will continue to suffer until she make some real efforts to get out of this BPD hole.



About this new guy, don't feel jealous for him. He is a brave soldier, fighting for your peace and freedom. He'll probably fall during the battles, and by that time, be sure to remember and honor the tomb of the unknown soldier.

[mbgeezle]

She seems to think she is miraculously cured now and she's 'happy' and her life is 'fine' and im the weirdo and obsessive one. Also when I told her people she had known for most of her life, knew what she was now after the way she has treated me,  she replied with 'they all love me' to which I replied 'who loves you?' 'Everyone so f**k off' she replied. This is not a normal thing to say in my eyes. So your saying after spending 6  years together and sharing everything and going through every emotion possible together, she will not feel disgusted in herself for lying to my face and using my good nature against me for weeks or even months. I struggle to come to to come to terms with this. I've had no apology, I asked for one and asked her to wish me all the best for my future and life and she couldn't even do that. No reply or nothing. I wished her all the happiness life has to offer numerous times and received barely anything in return and im the one who has been wronged! I wouldn't say she has drug addiction but a definite problem. It'll probably be most weekends and the drinking the same. I wake up most mornings and just feel like crying. Its been 7-8 weeks since this all unravelled and because she dragged it it out for so long.

Tellinf me she loved me, i wouldn't lose her, course there's no one else, what do you take me for, and a hundred other lies and now this new guy is the best thing since sliced bread and I'm hung out to dry. She has had a tough start in life and this defines her as a person. She never wanted to talk about her issues, with me or anyone. The drink would make her bring them up then as soon as they where addressed she'd close up again. I'm just so lost and don't no how to move past this. The break up i can handle, the new guy I can even handle, the lies and deceit and how used I feel and how I didn't see one sign of this coming is what I struggle with. So there is a possibility its BPD? Just depression? What is a sociopath? Your help and advice or greatly received

[mbgeezle]

Also when I was forced by her to go to her house, she really did not look at me like she knew me. It was as if I was a complete stranger.  She had a smirk on her face the whole time I poured my heart out,  laughing occasionally and when I asked what about she said 'I can't believe you've come' then when I said 'there's someone else' she smirked, rolled her eyes and sighed like it was all one big joke and like I never meant anything to her. I'd never met this girl before, it was like a  complete stranger.  Is this a sign of BPD? Or just downright coldness.  Surely people aren't like this with people they used to love?  Never mind love at all

[Lady31]

mbgeezle,

No,  that is NOT how you behave toward someone you love.  Even to someone you DON'T love, if you have a decent heart.  I would think from what you have written (and it hits home to many of my thoughts/feelings toward my H) that the hardest thing for you is going to be accepting and seeing who she REALLY is.

That was the first step I had to go through - and it was the hardest.  Even now I struggle with believing some things about my H.  I have to go back through and read my journal to remind myself of how horrible he really was toward me and to remind me of all the inconsistencies in things he did and said.

The reason I really didn't see certain things (and there actually were signs looking back) was because I believed he was like me!  When something didn't add up and I had an unsettled feeling, I would believe his explanation because I just DIDN'T believe he could be or was this other person entirely who was capable of so EASILY lying to my face and justifying all this crap he was doing behind my back.  CRAZY.

If you can accept who she really is, that is when you will start moving forward in your healing MUCH faster.  That's how it worked for me.  Seeing the truth about him also helped me stop longing for the broken, absent relationship to be reconciled and repaired which also enabled my heart to heal faster so I could move on.

[mbgeezle]

mbgeezle,

No,  that is NOT how you behave toward someone you love.  Even to someone you DON'T love, if you have a decent heart.  I would think from what you have written (and it hits home to many of my thoughts/feelings toward my H) that the hardest thing for you is going to be accepting and seeing who she REALLY is.

That was the first step I had to go through - and it was the hardest.  Even now I struggle with believing some things about my H.  I have to go back through and read my journal to remind myself of how horrible he really was toward me and to remind me of all the inconsistencies in things he did and said.

The reason I really didn't see certain things (and there actually were signs looking back) was because I believed he was like me!  When something didn't add up and I had an unsettled feeling, I would believe his explanation because I just DIDN'T believe he could be or was this other person entirely who was capable of so EASILY lying to my face and justifying all this crap he was doing behind my back.  CRAZY.

If you can accept who she really is, that is when you will start moving forward in your healing MUCH faster.  That's how it worked for me.  Seeing the truth about him also helped me stop longing for the broken, absent relationship to be reconciled and repaired which also enabled my heart to heal faster so I could move on.

Accept this is who she has become definitely. She is certainly not the girl I fell in love with and thats what burns me. I don't think I ever really knew her in the whole   6 years together if I'm honest. I stood by her when most men would of ran for the hills. I never turned my back on her and would of died for her if it meant saving her from herself and she knew it. I feel she took what she could from me, financially and emotionally,  and when my replacement was lined up for the new cured girl she says she is, i was dropped like a bad smell. She came away with me for her birthday weekend,  knowing full well what she was doing, took money from me knowing, cried on me knowing, lied to me about loving me and everything else knowing. I couldn't of done that to her. No way. I think that says a lot about me as a person. All I asked was her to apologise and wish me all the best for my future and life. Ignored. Couldn't even do that for me when I'm the one who has been wronged!

[mbgeezle]

I'm just trying to grasp if this is BPD or something else. She obviously has deep rooted issues and she seems to think these are all miraculously solved and she's ready to embark on a new relationship, after leading me on for months and then jumping feet first into someone new. Which is not healthy regardless if your the dumper or dumpee. It's not my business anymore and I understand that. I'm just trying to work out if the illness she has had made her, or enabled her to detach from me and treat me so incredibly poorly after everything I've done for her and after everything we've been through. I'm just so lost.

[mrclear]

Dear Mbgeezle,

It is very hard to diagnose a disorder on your own terms, or based on a feeling. Although a lot of us here have extensive experience with our own relationships and BPD, very few of us are therapists. It would be good for you to sit down with a therapist and relay your story. He/She will definitely be able to give you some answers based on this and put things into perspective for you. Going to a therapist and exstensive reading and researching, affirmed my suspicions and helped me find the answers I sought.

From the information you provide, your ex definitely displays BPD traits. She lies, she has mood-swings, turns on a dime, etc. If it is BPD, it explains alot.

You are trying to think and act rational. The Borderliner doesn't. So if you're looking for logic, you're barking up the wrong tree. It's a disorder. You cannot change them, understand them, help them or make sense of them. Unless they are willing to help themselves, it's a lost battle. Stop rationalizing.

Moving on for the Borderliner is mixture of splitting and repression. They pretend you never exsisted and repress every twisted emotion they ever connected to your relationship. The Borderliner does not feel regret, remorse or empathy. Why should they bother with you? In their eyes, it's all your fault anyway. You have become the mirror onto which they project their own negative traits. They have split you black. The next guy is the new white knight in a shining armour. She needs rescuing, protecting. From who? From you or anybody like you. The ones that confront her with her own imperfect, flawed self. This is intolerable for the Borderliner. Basically they are running away from themselves. The next relationship will, however, run the same course, Why? Because the Borderliner brings the one thing into the next relationship that will lead to failure: Their disorder.

Read through this: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

It will help.

atb, mrclear

[mbgeezle]

Dear Mbgeezle,

It is very hard to diagnose a disorder on your own terms, or based on a feeling. Although a lot of us here have extensive experience with our own relationships and BPD, very few of us are therapists. It would be good for you to sit down with a therapist and relay your story. He/She will definitely be able to give you some answers based on this and put things into perspective for you. Going to a therapist and exstensive reading and researching, affirmed my suspicions and helped me find the answers I sought.

From the information you provide, your ex definitely displays BPD traits. She lies, she has mood-swings, turns on a dime, etc. If it is BPD, it explains alot.

You are trying to think and act rational. The Borderliner doesn't. So if you're looking for logic, you're barking up the wrong tree. It's a disorder. You cannot change them, understand them, help them or make sense of them. Unless they are willing to help themselves, it's a lost battle. Stop rationalizing.

Moving on for the Borderliner is mixture of splitting and repression. They pretend you never exsisted and repress every twisted emotion they ever connected to your relationship. The Borderliner does not feel regret, remorse or empathy. Why should they bother with you? In their eyes, it's all your fault anyway. You have become the mirror onto which they project their own negative traits. They have split you black. The next guy is the new white knight in a shining armour. She needs rescuing, protecting. From who? From you or anybody like you. The ones that confront her with her own imperfect, flawed self. This is intolerable for the Borderliner. Basically they are running away from themselves. The next relationship will, however, run the same course, Why? Because the Borderliner brings the one thing into the next relationship that will lead to failure: Their disorder.

Read through this: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

It will help.

atb, mrclear

Thanks for your reply. I see the logic in what your saying atleast. It does seem now like I never existed to her like you say, splitting me black. Because I tried to help her address the issues she has, and she obviously resented me more and more because of this. She always said i was trying to be the father she never had, I was boring, I thought I was 'mr perfect'. I never did. I was just comfortable in my own skin. Something which she has now zapped out of me after emotionally and mentally destroying me. It's the lies and sneaking around when she was on the verge of being sectioned, I came that close, she even said she wanted me to do it because she didn't no what was going on in her head. But the whole time she was planning her exit strategy to jump into a new relationship with someone else. It is completely illogical like you say. There is no logic in treating somebody so poorly I don't think. It was always about what she had been through or was going through, she didn't see the bigger picture of how it was affecting me or her mother.  Only ONCE did she say,  and this was when drunk 'what am I doing to you and my mum'. That is the only time she acknowledged what it was doing to me.

She is not the girl I fell in love with anymore, and that has changed in a flash. She perceived to be the same to me but leading a double life back at home I knew nothing about. But she always turned to me when she needed me. Now she has grown out of that need and has found somebody else to fill the void she feels within herself. The only time she has confidence is when drunk. Says a lot about her as a person now.

[mbgeezle]

When I think back she used to demonise me constantly. If I started a conversation about something I showed an interest in and she wasn't so interested she'd say 'I don't care' 'im not interested' 'im not bothered'. Even if your not interested, you'd show an interest because you love that person? She'd also say I was boring alot, probably because I don't enjoy going out every weekend and getting drunk. I enjoy a peaceful life. I tried to get her involved in things she used to enjoy before the depression,  like horse riding and ice skating. She'd always say she would and obviously preferred drinking if I'm honest. Is demonisation part of BPD? Making the other person feel as worthless as they feel? I tried to give her confidence and she'd do the exact opposite to me I feel. Today is a good day and I'm feeling a lot stronger after I wrestled with my emotions yesterday. I came extremely close to breaking NC. I'm on day 8, 11 days since she text me and didnt even reply after she engaged me. I don't understand this illness and I don't think I ever will. I understand it steals people from you and turns them into complete strangers overnight

[schwing]

Hi Mbgeezle and 

When I think back she used to demonise me constantly. If I started a conversation about something I showed an interest in and she wasn't so interested she'd say 'I don't care' 'im not interested' 'im not bothered'. Even if your not interested, you'd show an interest because you love that person?

Demonising = devaluation.  People with BPD (pwBPD) exhibit "splitting" behavior; so they will often alternate between idealizing and devaluing you.  When you expressed an interest, whether or not she'd be attentive to you would depend upon whether she was idealizing or devaluing you.

When they "split" this also applies to their feelings and attachment towards you.  When they idealize, they "love" us.  But when they devalue us, they may be experiencing their disordered fear of abandonment, and may actually be considering detaching from us; when they devalue us, they no longer feel their love.

She'd also say I was boring alot, probably because I don't enjoy going out every weekend and getting drunk. I enjoy a peaceful life.

She might be drinking and going out ever weekend as a means of avoiding their disordered fear of abandonment.  PwBPD often turns towards a lot of different self-destructive behaviors as a means of avoiding their disordered emotions.

I tried to get her involved in things she used to enjoy before the depression,  like horse riding and ice skating. She'd always say she would and obviously preferred drinking if I'm honest.

Before she felt depressed, her disordered feelings towards you was probably more manageable then.

Is demonisation part of BPD? Making the other person feel as worthless as they feel?

Yes, devaluation is a major characteristic of pwBPD.  They make us feel as worthless as they feel, as a kind of projection/dissociation. 

I tried to give her confidence and she'd do the exact opposite to me I feel.

The difficult part to realize is that no matter what you do to help her, make her feel loved, her disordered drives her to imagine that you also intend to abandon her.  In a sense she is getting a lot of mixed signals.  She just doesn't realize (or accept) that a lot of the negative emotions she's feelings towards you are disordered in nature.

It's the lies and sneaking around when she was on the verge of being sectioned, I came that close, she even said she wanted me to do it because she didn't no what was going on in her head. But the whole time she was planning her exit strategy to jump into a new relationship with someone else. It is completely illogical like you say. There is no logic in treating somebody so poorly I don't think.

Her behavior is not logical, but it is consistent with my understanding of this disorder.  If her mind is slowly being overwhelmed by her imagination that you intend to abandon her, it makes sense that she is planning an exit strategy: the best way to avoid abandonment (even if it is imagined) is to abandon first. 

It was always about what she had been through or was going through, she didn't see the bigger picture of how it was affecting me or her mother.  Only ONCE did she say,  and this was when drunk 'what am I doing to you and my mum'. That is the only time she acknowledged what it was doing to me.

When her emotions are intense enough, she can only think about what she is going through.  And when she devalued you and was convinced that you intend to abandon her, then she was not very concerned about you.

She is not the girl I fell in love with anymore, and that has changed in a flash. She perceived to be the same to me but leading a double life back at home I knew nothing about. But she always turned to me when she needed me. Now she has grown out of that need and has found somebody else to fill the void she feels within herself. The only time she has confidence is when drunk. Says a lot about her as a person now.

What she needed from you, or from anyone, is a close relationship that does *not* trigger her disordered emotions.  What confuses her is that at the beginning of all her relationships, she thinks she has found this.  Because at the beginning of these relationships, her disordered feelings are not triggered so much.  The problem is that as real intimacy and familiarity develops in these relationships, her disordered feelings escalate.  And then her disordered feelings overwhelm her.  And so she looks for the next person who she hopes will not make her feel this way.  Her delusions is that the problem lies with her choice in people, when in truth the problem lies within her.

I'm just trying to grasp if this is BPD or something else. She obviously has deep rooted issues and she seems to think these are all miraculously solved and she's ready to embark on a new relationship, after leading me on for months and then jumping feet first into someone new.

It is hard to speculate what the specifics are in her deep rooted issues.  My understanding of this disorder is that early in her development (about age 3-5) she suffered from some kind of abandonment trauma.  It was either a real abandonment (i.e., death, loss, abuse, etc of a parental or important family figure) or it was only perceived.  And that event broke her and arrested her emotional development.  Some professionals compare this event to events which cause PTSD in other people; a key difference is that this event occurred in the mind of a child.

So this is the link between her feelings of intimacy and familial rapport with her disordered fear of abandonment.  And this is why I think whenever she begins to develop feelings of intimacy and familiarity with *anyone*, her disordered feelings are triggered -- like a repressed traumatic memory.

Which is not healthy regardless if your the dumper or dumpee. It's not my business anymore and I understand that. I'm just trying to work out if the illness she has had made her, or enabled her to detach from me and treat me so incredibly poorly after everything I've done for her and after everything we've been through. I'm just so lost.

In theory, this illness stopped her emotional development at an early age.  In a sense, she's never developed past forming consistent, attachments.  Which is why whenever she attaches to anyone, its like she's attaching to her parents (i.e., idealization, falling in love).  But because of her lack of object constancy, this attachment is fleeting and someone else can just as easily replace that attachment.

... .

[schwing]

Accept this is who she has become definitely. She is certainly not the girl I fell in love with and thats what burns me. I don't think I ever really knew her in the whole   6 years together if I'm honest.

There is a reason why they call this a *personality* disorder.

In theory, because her early abandonment trauma interrupted her emotional development, she hasn't formed a fixed personality/identity in the way a non-disordered person has.  I often write, who a pwBPD is, depends primarily on to whom they attach themselves.

Once she has attached herself to another person, her personality will shift to accommodate that new attachment.

I stood by her when most men would of ran for the hills. I never turned my back on her and would of died for her if it meant saving her from herself and she knew it. I feel she took what she could from me, financially and emotionally,  and when my replacement was lined up for the new cured girl she says she is, i was dropped like a bad smell.

It doesn't matter what you've done for her because her disorder pushes her to believe that you still mean to abandon her.  And her leaving you was an act of self-preservation.

It's because she has not come to terms with this abandonment trauma which occurred early in her life, that the (suppressed) memory of this trauma continues to dictate the nature of her future relationships.

She came away with me for her birthday weekend,  knowing full well what she was doing, took money from me knowing, cried on me knowing, lied to me about loving me and everything else knowing. I couldn't of done that to her. No way. I think that says a lot about me as a person. All I asked was her to apologise and wish me all the best for my future and life. Ignored. Couldn't even do that for me when I'm the one who has been wronged!

You were the one who has been wronged.  But not in her disorder mind.  In her disordered mind, you have wronged her because in her disordered mind, you never intended to stay with her, no matter all the great things you had done for her.

Also when I was forced by her to go to her house, she really did not look at me like she knew me. It was as if I was a complete stranger.  She had a smirk on her face the whole time I poured my heart out,  laughing occasionally and when I asked what about she said 'I can't believe you've come' then when I said 'there's someone else' she smirked, rolled her eyes and sighed like it was all one big joke and like I never meant anything to her. I'd never met this girl before, it was like a  complete stranger.  Is this a sign of BPD? Or just downright coldness.  Surely people aren't like this with people they used to love?  Never mind love at all

She was like a complete stranger because her whole personality/identity has shifted.

She seems to think she is miraculously cured now and she's 'happy' and her life is 'fine' and im the weirdo and obsessive one.

She thinks she is miraculously cured because now that she is not attached to you, her disordered feelings have for the most part gone away.  She can't have been with the new person for very long, so she doesn't have much feelings of intimacy or familiarity developed towards the new person -- and so she doesn't have many disordered feelings triggered as well.  This will not be true a few years from now and she will repeat her cycle of behavior.

I'm just so lost and don't no how to move past this. The break up i can handle, the new guy I can even handle, the lies and deceit and how used I feel and how I didn't see one sign of this coming is what I struggle with. So there is a possibility its BPD? Just depression? What is a sociopath? Your help and advice or greatly received

If you find yourself thinking that you should have seen this coming or that you should have seen through her lies and deceit, remember this is a mental disorder we are talking about.  I don't think she did lie or deceive you in the beginning.  She was sincere and truthful.  But if she suffers from BPD, she is incapable of sustaining an intimate relationship in the long run; she has too many issues working against her.

Best wishes, Schwing

[bewildered2]

schwing is right.

BPD is a very complex illness, and in terms of severity, it is the worst mental illness from which to suffer.

your gf appears to exhibit many of the behavioural traits of someone suffering from borderline personality disorder. and this menas that you simply can not expect consistent and rational behavior from her. she is suffering, and has suffered for years. and most likely she always will.

remember that BPD is a disorder based on a fear of being abandoned. and as the level of intimacy rose between the two of you, so did the risks for her of you leaving. of course you werent going to do that, but she fears it anyway.

so instead of staying with you and dealing with that fear, she breaks off, leaves, and picks up with a stranger, where there are no fears of abandonment (yet) precisely because the level of intimacy with him is so low.

a borderline can not have a sustained and drama free relationship for long. so look at it this way, she broke it off with you because she cared too much, and not because she cared too little.

there are very very very few cases where a borderline gets into treatment, gets cured, and then can have a good long term relationship.

if you were to pick up with her again, it would be more of the same.

sadly, that's the way it is with them.

hard as it is, the best thing for you to do is to protect yourself and to withdraw completely.

b2