Counselor told me to study this site more

[nodoover]

I hadn't seen her since Dec and made a two hour appt before I went back to work next week full time, (I work seasonally in summer and part time in Nov, Dec) Last time I saw her I wasn't sure what was up with my husband, his counselor that he saw for a few months thought he had OCD for racing negative thoughts and I told her at the time I thought he was bi-polar.  She said she wasn't sure, and he didn't show her the rage or other things BPD that I see.

A few months ago online someone was talking about their BPD husband and I first found out about the term, the more I read about it online the more it fit my husband.

I came here a few weeks ago after that. Today I told my counselor all the reasons why I thought my husband has BPD and why I didn't think his counselor saw it. She said that counselor, (knows her) doesn't work with that. She also said based on what I said about him good chance he has it.

She was worried about me, about the rage, the mood changes, etc. Made me promise to get more involved here for more support.

I also realized after a very intense session that I am really on the fence not 100% decided on staying. I was pretty sure before but after the last episode where he threatened to hurt another person (not me) as well as himself in the future, it scared me what he might do in one of his rage episodes. He has never hurt me before, just sounds scary and calls me names but he sounded so full of hate for this person it changed things for me.

So here I am and I will start reading "stop the bleeding" and other ideas. I told my counselor since I came from a family that argued daily not standing up for myself will be hard.  I think that is why we have lasted so long since I came from a very dysfunctional family. The anger somehow feels normal to me. Obviously I have my own issues I have worked for years on.

[nodoover]

I feel like I am covered with a layer of sadness today I can't shake off.  Maybe because I have been denying what is really happening and I am forcing myself to wake up to reality that the emotions are flooding in.

Fear, sadness, uncertainty, are trying to get in and I don't want to have those emotions, I want to be happy.

I think I am fighting the process.

[Clearmind]

 

nodoover, your therapist gave you some great advice. You do need support and we try to battle on our own for the fear of feeling like what we post here is somehow betraying our partners. You are in fact helping.

bpdfamily serves 2 purposes:

1) help you

2) help you in your relationship

Its about you my friend - how we can make things better whether we stay or not. We wont tell you leave - we will support your journey to deciding. We have plenty of tools here.

If you came from a family that argued then arguing may appear to be the norm.

What is concerning you right now about your relationship nodoover?

What are you struggling with?

How can you stop the bleeding?

[nodoover]

I am struggling with the guilt I feel for not feeling like I love him and staying for financial reasons.

I need to read more about stop the bleeding, I barely skimmed the steps.

I am fighting a sinus infection this week and starting my summer job in a few days, so I am not thinking about us right now but about healing myself and doing all the things to get better.

I will do more reading next weekend. Thanks for writing.

[whereisthezen]

Nodoover,



Sorry you are not feeling well. Sinus infections are a pretty heavy on the body, had one once and was in bed 2 days before I found out what it was, then a few until I got through some medicine the doctor prescribed. Only been sick a handful of days in my life and it nearly knocked me out cold, ! I do hope you are resting and feeling better physically each day.

I'm glad you are posting and that your therapist was right that peer support can greatly impact us all with encouragement, advice and guidance.

Maybe (if you can manage) to get a little rest today/tomorrow to get over the sinus infection first, you can gain some energy for the rest later? I remember a deep headache when I had it, I do hope you are feeling better than I did. Will still be right here to listen if you do manage to take a "sick day"   to care for yourself.

Also, congratulations on your new job! are you excited to start for the summer? Sounds positive for you!

[nodoover]

I am semi retired, have worked part time since we moved to the mountains 8 yrs ago. I have had this job for a few years and love it.

Work for theater group in box office, full time in summer and part time nov, dec for Xmas play.

Gives me lots of months to travel and visit my kids and grandkids or just do hobbies.

My husband seemed able to keep his lifetime job, good union hard to get fired from but since he retired has had 6 part time jobs and was off for two years before starting a few weeks ago.

Being off work gave him more time to think weird negative thoughts and makes his problems worse.

I am resting until I go back this Tues.  headaches are better today.  Doing all the natural stuff to fix it.