Rescuing vs. Supporting

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've been working on myself a lot and have come a long way from where I started. As a child, to survive, I took the role of the caretaker, peacemaker, perfect kid, and rescuer. I naturally want to save people from themselves. Its a control problem too, to the point that I wish to fix people. Obviously, that's impossible! Since learning boundaries and the word "no," I'm not nearly as enmeshed/codependent with my family. Still, this control/rescuing need has been bugging me lately.

How do you get past the rescuer need?

[ScarletOlive]

I've been working on myself a lot and have come a long way from where I started. As a child, to survive, I took the role of the caretaker, peacemaker, perfect kid, and rescuer. I naturally want to save people from themselves. Its a control problem too, to the point that I wish to fix people. Obviously, that's impossible! Since learning boundaries and the word "no," I'm not nearly as enmeshed/codependent with my family. Still, this control/rescuing need has been bugging me lately.

How do you get past the rescuer need?

[heartandwhole]

Hi ScarletOlive,

I wish I knew!  I feel the same as you do.  I notice myself going into rescue mode very quickly when I perceive people "hurting."  Somehow I believe that I need/want to make them stop hurting.  What does it give me?  If it's a close relationship, it makes them feel better so that they can be there for me?  If it's not someone I know, I'm not so sure... .  

Maybe when I see someone else suffering, I suffer, so then I want my own suffering to stop, too, and the only strategy I know is to take care of them... .  instead of myself.  I could just turn to my own feelings in that moment and care for myself while being present, but instead I zoom into their energy and try to change what is happening in them.  I'm learning that it's a pretty roundabout way of feeling better.  But with practice, I am getting better at not abandoning my own feelings and needs while being present, and also "doing" less.  Just being there.  It takes lots of practice.

All of this sounds mighty self-centered, doesn't it?  I do think that there is some real compassion for others in there somewhere 

What triggers your rescuer need?  This is a great topic, thanks for sharing.

heartandwhole

[Cumulus]

I am relatively new to the whole understanding of this so my comments may sound naive, but what you have posted touches me deeply. My concern is not losing the kind, empathetic and loving nature I have in the process of detaching out of others lives and into my own. Where would the world be without souls like ours who are concerned about justice and fairness to others. Like most everything it is a road that goes from black to white, it's easy to know when you're in the black, easy to know when you're in the white but at what shade of grey is right or wrong. What is right when it comes to trying to save someone and when do I cross the line into controlling territory, that territory that is now meeting my need for control rather then their need for a hand up.

Peace.

[123Phoebe]

Hi ScarletOlive

Can't say that I'm completely past the rescuer need, as I still find myself wanting to rescue people from the pain that they're in. 

I'm trying to better discern whether someone is truly asking for help, or if they're happily familiarly stuck in victim/martyr mode, with no real emphasis on trying to get unstuck.  Until the people that we're struggling with rescuing get to a place where they're showing true introspection and a willingness to better their lives, our rescuing tendencies become a moot point with them (bye bye rescuer!), while becoming our problem-- control, which then turns into 'persecutor'.  Hello drama triangle

Something I'm working on is... .  If someone isn't specifically asking for help, what I can do is offer validation and support that I recognize their struggles.  After a while it becomes clear if someone is looking for a hand out (venting and/or looking for empathy and support for twisted thinking), rather than a hand up (willingness to want to change and better their situations), while clearly stating what they're looking for from me.  And I can ask questions to decipher what is actually going on.

I guess for me it's a mix of boundaries and mindfulness with a healthy dose of awareness for what is my stuff/their stuff.  And like you said, the word "no", when I find my good stuff being compromised.

When I find myself feeling twisted and thinking too hard, it's time for a big step back and some good self care, as I recognize it as my codependent ways kicking in... .    Time to rescue myself from a potentially bad situation. 

[P.F.Change]

Great question, ScarletOlive. I definitely relate!

I agree with heartandwhole that a compulsion to rescue/fix others is usually more about trying to soothe my own feelings. But it is not just about the discomfort of the moment, having empathy for the Other's situation; I find it has much more to do with deep core wounds from my childhood. I talk a lot about LittlePF or InnerChild stuff--that is where the injury is. When I see someone else in a situation that makes me especially angry or sad, and I find myself wanting to "save" them, it is usually because LittlePF needed someone to rescue her once-upon-a-time, and she still feels scared. It helps to stop and turn my attention inward, focusing my protective energy there.  As 123Phoebe is saying, I really need to rescue myself.

I also like what she said here: "If someone isn't specifically asking for help... .  " I did some work with my first T on this issue, and she gave me some good advice. She said, "With the exception of your young children, don't try to help anyone who hasn't asked for your help. It implies that you think you're better than them, reinforces the idea that they need saving, and it robs them of the opportunity to handle their own problems."

In other words, "helping" people who haven't asked isn't helping them. It is actually more harmful than helpful. Furthermore, it is using them to make myself feel better, since I am really trying to soothe my own wounds. Codependency is really about trying to feel in control, like you said. It has helped me a lot to adopt my T's advice as a personal boundary. If someone does ask me for help, I will ask for time to think about it so that I can make sure it is something I feel comfortable with before I say yes. If it turns out I am not willing or able, I say no.

I have not lost my compassion or empathy for others in doing this. In fact, it has given me a greater respect for the autonomy of other people. I can offer validation and encouragement that I am sure they will find a solution, without using them to try to avoid dealing with my own "stuff."

Wishing you peace,

PF

[skelly_bean]

She said, "With the exception of your young children, don't try to help anyone who hasn't asked for your help. It implies that you think you're better than them, reinforces the idea that they need saving, and it robs them of the opportunity to handle their own problems."

Wow, P.F. Change you put that so eloquently. And it's true. I helped my best friend with everything for about 8 years and when I moved cities it almost killed us to be apart. Not only was I forcing myself as a crutch into his life, but he was a crutch for me to feel strong and competent. We both basically fell apart when we stopped contacting each other constantly.

ScarletOlive,

Codependency is a dangerous and very attractive thing for me. My mother leaned so heavily on us as kids emotionally that supporting someone else is maybe the only way I feel actually useful. But P.F. Change has a great point: When I see someone else in a situation that makes me especially angry or sad, and I find myself wanting to "save" them, it is usually because LittlePF needed someone to rescue her once-upon-a-time, and she still feels scared.

I will turn my attention to my own hurt if I feel that "rescue" pull. My boyfriend goes crazy when he's sick because I want to dote over him constantly haha. Next time I'll just go write in my journal and he can sniffle it out on his own in bed.

[heartandwhole]

P.F. Change,

I just want to thank you for making a really great point that I relate to very much.  That when I want to rescue someone else, I am really trying to rescue myself.  It's what I wanted someone to do for me when I was a child.  And all I knew how to do then was try to rescue the other person, hoping that they would then be able to save me/stop the hurt.  Thankfully, now I am learning how to take care of "little heart" as an adult, and it feels great when I manage to keep the focus there.  I feel I have a lot more to offer the other person as well.

I just needed to write that down.   

[Maryiscontrary]

This is a deep subject. I will add a little twist. There are people who ask for things that need to be told no, when it is either not appropriate or ones own resources are low.

[fromheeltoheal]

"With the exception of your young children, don't try to help anyone who hasn't asked for your help. It implies that you think you're better than them, reinforces the idea that they need saving, and it robs them of the opportunity to handle their own problems."

Sage advice P.F.  I've also noticed that some people look like they could use help, but aren't asking for it, because they are too proud, don't know how to ask, whatever, so I will ask them.  In situations like that I've barged in and helped without asking in the past, which is a desire for control and significance, combined with a legitimate desire to help, and they ended up resenting me for it later.  So now I ask.  I've noticed that people rarely ask me for help, but when I ask them if they need it, they say yes a lot. 

I'm looking at my hesitance to ask for help when I need it too: I'm definitely driven by pride to be self-sufficient, and need to realize that asking someone for help allows them to care for another human, which is a gift I give them, although I need to make sure my motives are pure and I really need help, I'm not just asking to gift them or create an unbalanced relationship right off the bat.

Humans are social animals, and we get our sustenance from relationship with others.  Altruistically wanting to help someone is healthy and normal, and we all have a need for connection and a need for significance.  Helping someone who needs it connects us with them, we may get gratitude, and we get to feel significant when our help does help, all of which is healthy.  Although long term it can become unhealthy, since the helper and the helpie are not equal, the helper is in a dominant position; in time, once the helpie gets their feet on the ground, the relationship dynamic could shift to a healthy one of equals, or get stuck.

If it does get stuck, and there's a permanent helpie 'project' and a permanent helper, the helper can gain the benefit of avoiding their own stuff to focus on the helpie's, so one is dependent, the other is codependent, and the whole thing is dysfunctional. 

So to me it boils down to our motives; trying to help altruistically, and then getting the gratitude and significance that is the 'payoff', as long as our motive initially was to help selflessly someone who needed it is healthy, any other motives maybe not.

You guys probably know all this, I was just clarifying my thoughts with my keyboard.  Carry on.

[arabella]

Glad I found this thread - some good insight here into stuff I've been examining myself lately. I think I need to start making LittleBella a priority.

This is a deep subject. I will add a little twist. There are people who ask for things that need to be told no, when it is either not appropriate or ones own resources are low.

Omg. YES. It struck me this week just how much some people will ask for - and how little they will give in return. I used to see favours or 'help' simple in the context of the time or physical energy it would take for me to do whatever was being asked. I've suddenly realized just how much mental and emotional energy I pour into maintaining some of these lopsided relationships. No wonder I get so worn out! It's like they say on the airplanes - put your own oxygen mask on first before you try to help anyone else with theirs.

[P.F.Change]

That T did give good advice. It was a big  for me to figure out it was about my own wounds.

Yes, there are times we need to say no even when someone asks. And sometimes it may be appropriate to ask someone if they need assistance. But in general, waiting for them to ask me has been a good rule of thumb.

PF

[ScarletOlive]

Hi folks! Wow, you guys are amazing. I've been doing a lot lately, so I'm catching up a bit late. I will try to get everyone in here.

heartandwhole, it's true, when others are suffering, sometimes I want to help them because it will heal my own hurting. It's not the right way to do things. If someone is hurting and wants help, then the help should not be for me but for them.

cumulus, I hear you in saying you're looking for detachment while remaining loving. I think that's a good balance to have.

123Phoebe, hiya hun! Oh, good point. If the person isn't looking on getting better, then we'll be stuck rescuing them and they won't ever get on their own two feet. And that's no good for anybody. Hehe, we should "rescue" ourselves from rescuing them.

P.F.Change, mm, like the others in this thread said, you hit the nail on the head. Unless they ask for help, we shouldn't jump in and save them. It's actually rude, prideful, and belittling. We can still empathize with others and have compassion for them without needing to save them from their problems.

skelly_bean, you raise an interesting point. Rescuing people makes us feel helpful and useful. If we fill those needs by taking care of ourselves and still supporting other people, then we'll be happier to boot!

Maryiscontrary, yes, if two year olds can say "NO," then so can we adults. It's part of taking care of ourselves.

fromheeltoheal, your explanation of how the rescuer complex evolves makes a lot of sense. We help them and feel good, but ignore our own needs. They get helped and don't need to get unstuck. The whole thing goes in a circle and ends up hurting both people. I think altruism is a good brightline, as long as we maintain boundaries and allow the other person the opportunity to handle themselves too.

arabella, hmm, yes, rescuing others does tend to wear us out. The oxygen mask analogy is a good one. We need to be well enough to adequately respond to another person.

You guys have given me much to ponder and think about. Thank you all again.

[Mara2]

I was given an analogy once.  If you help a butterfly out of it's cacoon it will never fly because it needs to push against the cacoon to strengthen the wings. 

[Phoenix.Rising]

This is a good thread.  Change is difficult!  I'm finding my awareness has increased dramatically, but implementing the changes is altogether different.  I have seen victories here and there, like saying 'no' to a family member recently.  I like what was said about not offering help unless it is asked for.  I've heard that before but I needed to hear it again. 

If I am honest with myself, it is often Me that I need to support.  I was 'taught' to put certain family member's needs above my own.  So my own needs became blurry and lost in the process, and I later compensated with unhealthy behaviors and addictions to self soothe.  The key for me today is to recognize when I start feeling uncomfortable or off-center, then ask myself what is that I am feeling, then try to address that in a healthy manner.

[ScarletOlive]

Mara2, wow, that is a brilliant analogy. We can watch the butterfly and cheer it on, but we can't save it.

Phoenix.Rising, mm, you raise a good point about labeling feelings. If we know what we're feeling, we'll be more able to address it.

With this new found awareness, I've been observing how I relate to friends. I care deeply about so many people. Sometimes though, I notice that I've overstepped into rescuing them. It's so exciting now because I can fix that and figure out where I fit in in their lives. If I work on not saving people, I'll be helping both myself and them, and we'll be able to have a better relationship because of it. YAY!