Ultimatums - What to expect?

[Ker2See]

My younger sister went NC with our uBPDm a few years ago... . primarily for the sake of her children.  At the time, I questioned (to myself) that decision.  I have enjoyed a fantastic relationship with our dad, who is still married to our mom.  In fact, I have tried to tolerate my mom's BPD behavior for the sake of maintaining my relationship with my father... . at times, regrettably, at the expense of my own children, who are now adults.

A few months ago, I had finally reached my tipping point with my mother.  Through a few communications with both parents, I had finally concluded that I needed a break - either temporary or permanent.  This, of course did not go over well with my dad - he's sucked into my mom's world pretty deep after 45+ years of marriage.  He is basically confused and claims to have no clue about what has happened to our relationship.  So, in fairness, I feel obligated to open the flood gates and let the river flow.

So, I'm at a point where if I have to decide if I want to sacrifice my relationship with my dad in order to maintain a very low level of contact with my mother.  Not sure how this can/will play out. My sister had made it very clear to my mom that if they were to continue any kind of relationship, it will have to start in the presence of a therapist/counselor.  Well, I'm considering taking that very same approach.  I know how my mom responded when my sis made this ultimatum... . of course, denial and refusal.  But, now, here comes her second child with the same approach.  I've already been compared to my sister in a negative light even with what little I have tipped my hand.  But I'm not sure if I can expect our mom to be more open and receptive to the idea now that both of us are on the same page.

Unfortunately, my dad is a "take both of us or neither of us" type a person, standing my my mom at any cost.  I hope I'm not setting myself up for a self-fulfilling prophecy here, but I fear that if I go down this road, there will be little hope of regaining much of relationship with my father.  Thoughts?

[oliveihavenone]

Ker2see, I'm in the same situation.  Except I'm an only child.  My dad is the same "take us or leave us" but talked to me awhile over the phone when mom didn't know.  He eventually said he didn't like lying to her and telling her he hadn't talked to me.  Then all communication stopped.  That was 3 years ago.  Dad and I were extremely close as I grew up and well into my 40s.  He had my aunt call and tell me not to call the house anymore.  So I have come to conclude that we were only that close out of necessity. Just had one another to commiserate with.  That's it.  Heartbreaking for me and I am now mourning the loss of the father I thought I had as well as the mother I never had.  It's getting easier with time and I keep reminding myself that I can't allow uBPDm to abuse my own family (husband and daughter) anymore.  Hope it gets easier for you.

[GeekyGirl]

That's tough, Ker2See. It's painful when we feel like we need to make the kinds of choices you're facing now.

Your father, as you probably have already guessed, is very strongly co-dependent. Having a relationship with him, at this point, will likely mean that you will also have to involve your mother. Until he gets help for himself (which, if he is like my father, is unlikely), he will continue to appease her, even if it's at the expense of his relationship with you. It's probably very painful for him as well, but he has to live with your mother and may feel that he needs to keep her calm for his own well-being.

Through a few communications with both parents, I had finally concluded that I needed a break - either temporary or permanent.  This, of course did not go over well with my dad - he's sucked into my mom's world pretty deep after 45+ years of marriage.  He is basically confused and claims to have no clue about what has happened to our relationship.  So, in fairness, I feel obligated to open the flood gates and let the river flow.

My feeling on a break is that it doesn't need to be permanent. I know where you're coming from--my father is also very enmeshed and I've spent many T sessions talking about how hurtful my father's co-dependent behavior has been. Taking a break helped me to work on myself and gave me the space that I needed, but didn't know that I needed.

What I'd suggest you do is continue to work on yourself and decide what you can and cannot live with when it comes to your mother. How much interaction you have, how often you see her, how you respond to her behavior. From there you can figure out how your relationship with your dad comes into play. Hang in there.