New Member- Sister just diagnosed... finally

[LibbiAbbi]

I posted some of this in my introduction, but I thought I should repost here and ask some basic questions.

My sister is just a few months younger than I am (I'm 40). We were both adopted at birth from different families, and it was always expected that we would be close as adults because of the closeness of our ages. We aren't and I don't think anyone here has to question why. My sister's life has been the exact opposite of mine, and at this point I just can't establish any kind of significant relationship with her- too much damage has been done. But I love her, and I dearly love her now adult children.  I moved several states away from my family while I was a young adult to get away from the drama in my family. My dad is an alcoholic who goes into recovery for a few years and then relapses. He loves all of us, but his behavior is emotionally draining, and dealing with my mother's perpetual crisises stemming from my dad's behavior was too much. My younger brother is an addict, and my sister has always been so volatile that I withdrew from my family for many years. I talk to my parents by phone frequently and we visit about once a year, but I have kept a carefully maintained distance from my siblings.

My sister recently caused a massive upheaval in our family. After years of dangerous and reckless behavior, she was arrested for manufacturing drugs in the home my parents' gave her- our childhood home. She was able to go from jail to a rehab facility and then ordered into psychological treatment where she was diagnosed with BPD. I was not shocked by the diagnosis. She is now living with my parents, beginning drug therapy and trying to stay sober. She also is making steps toward trying to build a relationship with me. This is the first time in over 20 years that she's shown any interest in my life, my children, etc. I don't know how I feel about it, and I'm terrified of two things:  (1) getting hurt again, and (2) me getting over-involved in her drama, because there is bound to be lots of drama.

I've had my own issues. I married an alcoholic who is now in recovery, and I'm working my own way through dealing with the effects of living with an addicted person. I have to watch myself very carefully so that I don't become enabling or take on issues that aren't my own to deal with.  At the same time, I am worried about my parents, hoping that my sister is sincere in her efforts to finally deal with her issues, and fearful for her adult children, especially her daughter, who has been very hurt by her mother's neglect and extreme behavior over the course of her entire life.

I don't know what to do, how much to do, how much to try to explain to my already dysfunctional family, and I'm struggling with not knowing how much responsibility I have to each of them. I want my sister to suceed, and I don't want to be the scapegoat for her not doing so. I also don't want to get pulled into what I fear will be just another drama cycle for her.

Any advice or guidance would be much appreciated.

[nomom4me]

Hi LibbiAbbi, welcome!  It can be a little slow around here on weekends but I wanted to say 

Most of us here are dealing with undiagnosed people, we are big on boundaries around here.  I'd suggest making boundaries about how involved you will be in her recovery - maybe you can do phone contact, or letters, whatever is comfortable for you.  It's her treatment, not yours!  I think you can be supportive without getting sucking into the drama if you are clear about what you will, and will not tolerate. 

[ScarletOlive]

Hi LibbiAbbi,

Glad you joined us, but sorry for what brings you here. You're not alone here. A lot of us have had family members with addictions, risky behavior, and the like. It sounds like you're working on yourself and seeking distance from your sister to take care of yourself. That's really good!

How much contact do you have with your sister right now? What do you foresee as your relationship with your sister? It's great for us to support our loved ones. But we can't change them. Seeking boundaries is a great middle ground. This article might help you as you try to figure out what you want to go for. BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Sending you lots of caring and support. 

[rehtorb70]

I don't know what to do, how much to do, how much to try to explain to my already dysfunctional family, and I'm struggling with not knowing how much responsibility I have to each of them. I want my sister to suceed, and I don't want to be the scapegoat for her not doing so. I also don't want to get pulled into what I fear will be just another drama cycle for her.

I think the main point is to keep in mind that you can never trust a pwBPD.  Most importantly, no matter how comfortable you may feel with her at any point, do not give her any information which she might later use against you.  Make sure that she does not have access to your computer or phone either physically or through your password.  Never get into a situation where you will have to depend or rely on the pwBPD in any way.  For example, if you are going to a family event together, be sure to go in separate cars so that you can easily exit the situation if there is a problem.  Be sure not to enmesh yourself with her in any way for example by working on a project together.  Ideally, you want to be free to pull the eject lever at any moment.

Secondarily, you should attempt to identify her enablers (if she has any) and be somewhat wary of them too. 

Just my humble opinion.