When the anger finally comes...

[OutsidetheHermitWalls]

Hi All,

It's been 6 months.  After looking at a youtube.com from A.J. Mahari on Borderline I stopped for awhile contributing to the site.  Her comments were that we can become overly consumed with our ex-BPD mate which stalls the healing.  Just recently I found out through a change of address sent to the apartment my ex-BPD wife and I had that she had moved just six blocks from me, right down the street from where I often have breakfast.  Not keep in mind my ex and I have never directly spoken.  If she sees me she will react in some dramatic fashion as i pose a physical threat to her.  Yet she is not threatened enough to live farther away.  I have recently entered the anger phase.   Meaning right now if I had heard that my ex was dead I would actually be glad.  The amount of pain and damage to me financially, emotionally, lost my job etc.  I have no positive feelings for her whatsoever.  Now I DONT LIKE FEELING THIS WAY!    I know all the saying resentment is like swallowing a poison hoping the other person will die.  Intellectually, I know this  Emotionally another story.  I share this story because it's been seven months and some parts of my life have gotten a lot better.  this anger coming up is unexpected but hope if some of you go through this you will know you are not alone

[mango_flower]

What you say makes complete sense.  And you're not the only one I am sure.

I don't like feeling anger, so I remind myself constantly that she is sick.  When I feel bitter that she's got a new fiancee and her life seems perfect, I ask myself, would I swap?  The answer is always no.  I'd hate to be in her head, I'd hate to not sleep at night.

That helps with the anger somewhat, as I am extremely glad I don't have BPD.  It's a normal stage you're going through.  And it's good, as it means you're moving forward! x

[bcomingme]

I feel the same way. Its like your sitting here hurting and dealing with the destruction of what they've done and they seem to happily have moved on. Remember though that how they look on the inside doesn't reflect whats really going on inside of them and the torment they live with. Focus on yourself and being the best you that you can be and having the best life you can have. Good luck.

[Clearmind]

Outside anger is normal. With anger comes clarity just on the other side. Ride it and don't dismiss it.

Sometimes our anger is aimed at ourselves - showing ourselves kindness and compassion and forgiveness will help.

Enjoy some nice memories with family and friends.

[OutsidetheHermitWalls]

Thanks everybody,

So here are few insights that have come over the last few days.

1)    As I was listing my current resentments at her I came to the realization if I had met this person for the first time for lunch, of course I would listen to her but after hearing how she treated other people I don't think I would make this person a close friends.  I don't think it's a coincidence that none of my friends treat their relationships how she treated our relationship.   I will go so far to say if any of my friends attempted to treat an ex-partner life she treated me they would be put in check pretty quickly

2)   I often ponder "How could she treat me this way"  (Maybe a good topic for another discussion); here is what I came up with... . In my case my exBPD was adopted (so initially shut out by her biological parents);  then to top it off her adopted partents got a divorce when she was 12.  Her adopted father never talked to her again.   He had moved on to a new wife and a new family.  So is it really such a surprise she acts the same way towards me.   As a comparison I have a very critical and verbally and emotionally abusive mother; so before I did my work I would treat my partners like that sometimes.  Though I felt guilt and remorse afterwards; what rt more was the damage I had done was not always easily forgiven by certain people.  I think in my mind at the time I would think "What's the big deal I was treated by my Mom like this and I would always forgive her."   I would not think this at a conscious level but at the subconscious level I would always be a little confused that people did not understand that I really didn't mean what I said, it was just in the moment.  Now as an adult I know you cannot un-ring the bell and I am much more careful with my words.  That is all for now.