birthday

[Our abuse recovery guide]

(I'm accidentally locked out of the Healing/Family board. I need to rant though.)

So my birthday is coming up soonish. uBPD mom is a compulsive shopper and ruins every holiday with ridiculous unwanted gifts / guilt about requested gifts. Anything to make the event about what she wants, and not what you want. She's also unemployed, and will spend $500 if left to her own devices. A massive party is not practical.

So (with plenty of advanced warning to thwart shopping) I'm like "No gifts. I'm decluttering, I don't need anything right now. Maybe we can all get lunch and go to the zoo!" The zoo closest to everyone else's house. I'd have to drive. Seriously. It's a $15 request - that everyone is spending on themselves.

In traditional "damned if I do/ damned if I don't" fashion, TO QUOTE:

"I WAS THERE TOO. IT'S NOT JUST YOUR HOLIDAY. I'M ALLOWED TO CELEBRATE THIS HOLIDAY HOW I WANT."


You know? Screw it. I'm an a$$ for asking for nothing, or $15 and 2 hours at the zoo. On my own damned birthday that I don't even want to celebrate. I mean, c'mon. ASKING FOR NOTHING MAKES ME SPOILED. I'm over this. Then she repeatedly reminded me about the date, and that it was the date of my birthday. Like I don't know? I'm so confused.

I think I just accepted that NOTHING I ever do is right. She's insane. I could literally stand in one spot doing nothing, and as long as that activity lead to my own happiness, she'd find fault with it.

[XL]

(I'm accidentally locked out of the Healing/Family board. I need to rant though.)

So my birthday is coming up soonish. uBPD mom is a compulsive shopper and ruins every holiday with ridiculous unwanted gifts / guilt about requested gifts. Anything to make the event about what she wants, and not what you want. She's also unemployed, and will spend $500 if left to her own devices. A massive party is not practical.

So (with plenty of advanced warning to thwart shopping) I'm like "No gifts. I'm decluttering, I don't need anything right now. Maybe we can all get lunch and go to the zoo!" The zoo closest to everyone else's house. I'd have to drive. Seriously. It's a $15 request - that everyone is spending on themselves.

In traditional "damned if I do/ damned if I don't" fashion, TO QUOTE:

"I WAS THERE TOO. IT'S NOT JUST YOUR HOLIDAY. I'M ALLOWED TO CELEBRATE THIS HOLIDAY HOW I WANT."


You know? Screw it. I'm an a$$ for asking for nothing, or $15 and 2 hours at the zoo. On my own damned birthday that I don't even want to celebrate. I mean, c'mon. ASKING FOR NOTHING MAKES ME SPOILED. I'm over this. Then she repeatedly reminded me about the date, and that it was the date of my birthday. Like I don't know? I'm so confused.

I think I just accepted that NOTHING I ever do is right. She's insane. I could literally stand in one spot doing nothing, and as long as that activity lead to my own happiness, she'd find fault with it.

[tcevans78]

That's super hurtful of her to speak to you that way.  I'm not one of the senior members here and have no gems of wisdom.

Expecting her to be someone she's not is going to hurt you endlessly, and consume your life. I remember experiencing the same feelings with my own mother... . Hoping there was some magic trick to help her behave better. 

There are a few crazy people in my family and my life is different and better now that I focus on the positive behaviors I see. What I mean is that when people behave poorly I ignore it.  Completely.  Or I respond with compassion, "you sound like you really have your heart set on a particular style of party. It's really important to me that we do it the way I planned." 

I hope your birthday turns out to be a happy one despite her actions, and that other members of your family can support you.