Daddy Issues

[Rose Tiger]

I worked through a lot of family dysfunction issues the past year and lots of inner child resolution on things.  I thought, whew, ok, done.  But no, tear down one mountain and up pops another.

I've been re-reading my Little House on the Prairie books.  They are light hearted and I loved these books growing up.  They saved me growing up, they were an escape.  Of course my social skills are a bit under developed from so much time reading books.  They helped me escape the craziness in the family but they didn't teach me how to behave in social settings.  Proper things to say, how to not stick my foot in my mouth, look a fool when I'm talking.  The social graces of what to say and what not to say.  Being so afraid of saying the wrong thing, leads to anxiety, isolation, avoidance.  Takes a lot of courage to go, ok, I might say the wrong thing but so what, it takes sticking yourself out there, right?  How else are you going to learn?

My family was military and we moved often.  I would just make a friend or two and then poof, time to move.  It's hard on a kid, especially in a very dysfunctional family.  Lonely.  So I would re-read my books, they were my friends, my safe place, my escape from insanity.  I have a lot of books. 

The Little House books are nothing like the show that was on tv for awhile.  The first episode or two kind of followed their story and then Michael Landon took it into a Bonanza direction.  I was miffed.  Stupid show.  Arrgh.  The books are wonderful.  Laura wrote them in tribute to her father and the relationship these two had were just wonderful.  It represents to me what a very healthy relationship looks like between a dad and his daughter.

I was recently reading one passage.  Pa is building a fish box out of thin strips of wood with spaces between them.  He and Laura take it to a waterfall in the creek, one holding each side, and as the water passes through, the bigger fish can't swim out of the box.  They are having great fun.  Laura asks if they can keep fishing for awhile but Pa says he needs to work on the barn and other chores.  She says, oh please Pa, just for a little while longer?  And he says, ok the barn can wait and they spent the morning together just having a great time.

Throughout the books, there are examples of this in the stories.  Pa making the time and having great respect towards his wife and kids.

It tears me up that I never had anything like that.  I had a dad that I was scared of, that most often yelled at us kids if he acknowledged us at all.

I'm not sure how to heal from this, I know my inner child wants this so bad, even now.  After all these years, she wants a daddy to hold a fish box with her under a waterfall.  That will put off working on the barn to be with her.  How do I 'get over this'?

[Cumulus]

Oh rose wouldn't I love to have an answer to your question. All I can know for myself is, in my very similar story, that history made me who I am today. It is what shaped me and served me to seek something deeper in life.  As I read through your poignant post I couldn't help but hope that the younger women on here, that have come out of a relationship with a dysfunctional SO, will read this and think, what kind of father do I want to give my unborn daughters. Raising children with your partner can be a great source of joy or sorrow.  I know there are Pa's out there.

[Somewhere]

I'm not sure how to heal from this, I know my inner child wants this so bad, even now.  After all these years, she wants a daddy to hold a fish box with her under a waterfall.  That will put off working on the barn to be with her.  How do I 'get over this'?

jmho -- you do not "get over it."  Your heart knows what it wants, and is telling you.  Embrace it.

Be the "fish box" person.  Plenty of kids need plenty of love.  You have that love in your heart and you can give it. 

After all sorts of various searching for what you, and I, and many others want -- and often do not have . . . It is this -- To Love, And Be Loved.

You can do that anytime, any place, today.

Can we, Pa?  Can we?

[Blazing Star]

This ache for that kind of father daughter relationship is tough. 

I agree, you can give Little Rose Tiger those things, you can meet her needs now. Take her fishing, or your equivalent. Spend some time with her.

Something that has really helped me in the past was an exercise suggested by a T. It was writing a letter to little Blazing Star. I wrote that I understood her pain and confusion, that I was there for her. She wrote back to me, and we had a little dialogue until I felt we no longer needed to.

You could buy her a little gift, take her for an icecream, or do whatever feels right to you.

Let us know.

Love Blazing Star

[Clearmind]

Rose, I went through a real bad time about 2 years ago with the same upset.

I spent A LOT of time on me, processing my emotional responses, inner critic and practising self talk. I got to the stage that I fully understood my childhood - what it had provided me and what it didn't. I grieved, I cried, I went silent on my Dad for what I had been dealt as a child. He was emotionally abusive and somewhat physically abusive. He was also an alcoholic which can cause tremendous harm on young kids - he was mostly dysregulated and not particularly present.

He and his Dad were both bankers - disciplined. Your Dad was military - it kind of says a lot.

Once I saw my childhood, I saw his! I knew my grandfather, his father, well - he was an absolute jerk of a man who was so abusive to his 3 sons. He was also an alcoholic. As I processed my childhood I became empathetic to his - It took some time, maybe 12 months to really forgive my father. He provided what he could with the tools he was given.

Thankfully my mother was very nurturing. And I realized through the haze of anger towards my Dad that he also showed a great deal of love - in his way.

Changing my expectation from ideal to real was the only way I could honestly move past my grief. We have high expectations of our parents - with high expectations come disappointments/fantasy thoughts which our Dads can never live up to.

I often stand in front of the mirror and do what Blazing Star does with the letter - I self talk while looking at myself - those barriers come down, my defences are vulnerable and I find compassion for me and my Dad.

hit__

This all lead me to redefine my relationship with him ---> acceptance.

As my anger has subsided I now notice his great traits rather than concentrating on the bad. He has a wicked sense of humor, knowledgeable, street smart, great businessman, awesome cook and has an opinion.

Redefining my relationship has lead to me to a greater sense of acceptance of who he REALLY is! That is ----- an imperfect man who loves the best way he can.

[Rose Tiger]

Thank you all for giving me food for thought.    The important thing is taking the reins from little Rose in her never ending search for the perfect daddy.  Isn't that the way, to find ways to stop the inner child from driving the train (into unhealthy relationships).  Stop looking for 'daddies' to fix and love her unconditionally.  A bit of laying down the law.  Listening to her desires and helping her grieve them, to let them go.

Laura really really really lucked out.  First of all, they never had a boy.  If there were boys in the family, that's who Pa would have been teaching these things.  Mary preferred Ma, learning about keeping house, sewing and cooking.  Laura enjoyed the tomboy role.  It worked out for them because there was so much work and Pa needed a hand.  What if Laura had been girly girl?  She'd have been miserable.  Sort of a kismet.

Part of growing up is accepting, yes you want that, no it is not possible.  Helping her accept that without driving me off a cliff.    A brat holds onto it, I want it, give it to me, like the selfish girl in Willy Wonka.  Sometimes the inner child needs discipline and maturity.  Validation of her feelings, it hurts to have an abusive father, sympathy, a hug.  I already understand that looking for love in all the wrong places is no solution.  Finding broken men and trying to fix them is no solution.  Gotta teach her better ways to cope with her needs.  I accept my father has no skills for fathering.  Still pondering how make the need go away... .  

[Maryiscontrary]

Remember that little house on the prairie is a Hollywood production, with glamourous Ma and Pa with perfect bodies and all of their teeth, and with no dysfunction or temper issues.

[catsprt]

Here is my to do list:

1- Let go of hope (it will get better, if only... .  )

2- Find ways to gently fill the void (do not overuse: start a special project, buy yourself flowers, a special book, a ring)

3- Accept the hurt and the tears (as part of the healing process) and be supportive & comforting

4- Accept the anger and apologize if someone else gets hurt

5- Accept the ghost, that element that make you doubt about forgiveness but DO NOT feed.

6- Stay away from those who can only offer you a remake of the past. If you find yourself in a familiar situation with no way out it is time to extend rule nr. 1 (T can also be of assistance to solve the issue).

7- Accept moments of depression but make sure that you keep a way out (when needed remind yourself that "this too shall pass".

In short GRIEVE. Which means going through the stage in order or not, once or multiple times.

[Rose Tiger]

So many emotions come up over this, anger at my father for taking me away from friends over the years, anger that he couldn't be kind, was so self absorbed, selfish.  I wondered if thinking he is a total jerk is too black and white.  If I do black and white like the ex... .

My father provided a living for us.  I never went hungry.  Just emotionally starved to death.  See?  Right to the black.   

I think about wanting that daddy within my r/s with the ex.  We did such exciting adventures and he idealized me.  Inner child loved this attention.  She drove that train.  Ex was neglected by his mother, I soothed that wound by being attentive and adoring him.  Then ex turned abandoner, triggering my wound and I turned critical, triggering his wound.  His inner child wants a mommy that stays home, takes care of everything while giving him full acceptance.  I totally get how we now trigger each other.  It kinds of scares me, the power my inner child has to drive me over a cliff trying to get that missing daddy.  But also, knowledge is power, now that I know what she is up to in her shenanigans.  I have to make her understand, we need to be safe, first and foremost.  Period.

Mary, ya goofball!     I love Michael Landon in Highway to Heaven, not little house.  Go wiki Laura Ingalls, this was a real family, the tv show did not portray them accurately at all. 

[Maryiscontrary]

Rose, I read many of her books as a little girl. I also remember them as being idealized narratives.

The reality you create with self respect is far more fantastic and beautiful that somebody elses semi fictional narrative. Your reality before you is more fantastic than fiction.

[catsprt]

Sorry, you have lost me there - I tend to not really get the inner child discourse... . But I am back with the fantasy as it has played a important role in my youth.

[Rose Tiger]

Hey catsprt, not sure what you mean by fantasy.  Inner child is digging into feelings long buried but very much in the forefront, by that I mean that unmet needs become a very significant driving force in the present.

[Rose Tiger]

Oh Mary, I wanted to mention... . rereading the books from an adult perspective from when I was a little girl identifying with Laura.  I'm reading between the lines of how hard their lives were, the possibility of being massacred, the loss of crops, how hard it was to eak a living with such little money.  How easy it would of been for Pa and Ma to turn bitter at the hand dealt them.  I really encourage you to reread these books from an adult perspective of people dealing with such hard times but persevering.