Here comes the anger, big time

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am so angry.

I look back at the past two years after divorcing N/BPDx and I have been this impeccable model of strength and resilience. I put S11's well-being ahead of everything, excelled at my job, got intensive therapy and erected some powerful boundaries, and held it together like a pro. I met someone healthy that I really like, and for the first time in my life, I feel happy.

Out of nowhere, tho, I'm boiling with anger and rage. It's a combination of hard cold rage and boiling angry. I have been afraid of N/BPDx for the better part of my marriage, and very scared the two years after I left. Now I feel hate. I don't feel afraid of him like I used to. I still harbor some fear, but I also don't care anymore. I don't carefully word my emails anymore when trying to resolve stuff around S11.

I know that expressing hate is not a popular thing to say here on bpdfamily.com. We're supposed to be above that, and not start a riot because everyone feels so raw and hurt, and anger and hate look ugly on the Internet. But that's my honest feeling right now. Hate. Not at life, not at other people, not at myself, just toward N/BPDx.

I know that anger is a secondary emotion, and that there are other feelings going on here, but believe me, I'm familiar as hell with those feelings. Fear, hurt, exhaustion.

I can't relocate for a job because of N/BPDx. S11 can't go to a better school for his learning issues because of his dad. I'm in debt from legal bills that don't look like they'll ever end. S11 can't go to the summer camp he wants to because of his dad. I can't travel home to Canada to see my family because of N/BPDx. He won't give me the title of my car, even though he has been ordered by the courts to do so. He won't pay for S11's camp, also ordered. He won't refinance the house, also ordered. He threatened the parenting coordinator assigned to our case and made her feel physically afraid of him. I'm so effing tired of the bills, the efforts to stay on top of this crap, and fight it all alone.

He's an awful man and please don't tell me how much pain he's in. I no longer care.

I'm just so exhausted and angry right now, and I feel trapped.

[livednlearned]

I am so angry.

I look back at the past two years after divorcing N/BPDx and I have been this impeccable model of strength and resilience. I put S11's well-being ahead of everything, excelled at my job, got intensive therapy and erected some powerful boundaries, and held it together like a pro. I met someone healthy that I really like, and for the first time in my life, I feel happy.

Out of nowhere, tho, I'm boiling with anger and rage. It's a combination of hard cold rage and boiling angry. I have been afraid of N/BPDx for the better part of my marriage, and very scared the two years after I left. Now I feel hate. I don't feel afraid of him like I used to. I still harbor some fear, but I also don't care anymore. I don't carefully word my emails anymore when trying to resolve stuff around S11.

I know that expressing hate is not a popular thing to say here on bpdfamily.com. We're supposed to be above that, and not start a riot because everyone feels so raw and hurt, and anger and hate look ugly on the Internet. But that's my honest feeling right now. Hate. Not at life, not at other people, not at myself, just toward N/BPDx.

I know that anger is a secondary emotion, and that there are other feelings going on here, but believe me, I'm familiar as hell with those feelings. Fear, hurt, exhaustion.

I can't relocate for a job because of N/BPDx. S11 can't go to a better school for his learning issues because of his dad. I'm in debt from legal bills that don't look like they'll ever end. S11 can't go to the summer camp he wants to because of his dad. I can't travel home to Canada to see my family because of N/BPDx. He won't give me the title of my car, even though he has been ordered by the courts to do so. He won't pay for S11's camp, also ordered. He won't refinance the house, also ordered. He threatened the parenting coordinator assigned to our case and made her feel physically afraid of him. I'm so effing tired of the bills, the efforts to stay on top of this crap, and fight it all alone.

He's an awful man and please don't tell me how much pain he's in. I no longer care.

I'm just so exhausted and angry right now, and I feel trapped.

[Cumulus]

The turmoil, antagonism, manipulation and all those other horrible things we have dealt with can send anyone of us over the edge at times. I think you have done marvellously well to have held it together for two years. Have you found that when you hit a point of very intense emotions like this that there is something new being made available to you? That white hot anger may be burning up something that needs to be gone to make way for something new.

[Maryiscontrary]

Oh, my dear. Do you remember my thread from past week? Same thing.

This rage, I believe, is part of the healing process. As in a calibration of new neural pathways. Do not deny your feelings, but do no evil, either.

[Maryiscontrary]

Oh, and take the court order to the court clerk, fill out a writ of execution, and put a lien on his accounts.

[fromheeltoheal]

After I got over the longing and grief of leaving my BPD, anger and rage were the primary emotions for a while.  And it's just exhausting, really exhausting, I got so tired of it.  Lately I've found that consciously deciding to feel hurt and depressed instead felt better, as whacked as that sounds, but it is a much calmer place, and I don't feel like I'm avoiding anything, I need to go through these emotions to fully heal, I just need a break from the anger for my own sake.

[livednlearned]

I don't know what to do with the rage.

It makes me feel safe, like I'm protected. It used to be that anger made me feel chaotic, so I shut it down and stuffed it deep.

But I don't know what to do with this. Not really.

[livednlearned]

Have you found that when you hit a point of very intense emotions like this that there is something new being made available to you? That white hot anger may be burning up something that needs to be gone to make way for something new.

Not that I know of, cumulus. Can you tell me what might be burning up?

[livednlearned]

Oh, my dear. Do you remember my thread from past week? Same thing.

This rage, I believe, is part of the healing process. As in a calibration of new neural pathways. Do not deny your feelings, but do no evil, either.

I just read your post, maryiscontrary. We would make quite a pair, the two of us blowing hot lava like this. I have a lot of anger toward N/BPDx, but it's about my BPD ish family tree, too, so I read your post and felt like it was the same lava running through my veins.

I'm not using to feeling... . heartless... . but I do.

[livednlearned]

After I got over the longing and grief of leaving my BPD, anger and rage were the primary emotions for a while.  And it's just exhausting, really exhausting, I got so tired of it.  Lately I've found that consciously deciding to feel hurt and depressed instead felt better, as whacked as that sounds, but it is a much calmer place, and I don't feel like I'm avoiding anything, I need to go through these emotions to fully heal, I just need a break from the anger for my own sake.

I never felt longing or grief, just fear and worry. Talk about exhausting. I much prefer anger to feeling afraid. I can really see why this is the go-to emotion for most people. It feels more like fire, and I'm ok with that. Don't even think about hurting me, is how it feels.

[fromheeltoheal]

I never felt longing or grief, just fear and worry. Talk about exhausting. I much prefer anger to feeling afraid. I can really see why this is the go-to emotion for most people. It feels more like fire, and I'm ok with that. Don't even think about hurting me, is how it feels.

I understand, been there in other situations.  With my BPD ex it took a while for the FOG to lift, but once it did I reflected on all the crap she pulled that I completely missed in my denial, and all I could think was "you fcking btch!"

I say anger feels better than fear because we feel like we're in control with anger, not with fear.  For me it was sure, I'm in control, but this is sure taking a lot of energy; I needed to just let go after a while, and what replaced the anger was hurt, which I saw as underneath it, as I feel through to heal, under it all I'm told.

[Cumulus]

Hi lived and learned, not having anger is a problem for me, not being able to feel angry towards him is frustrating. The reasons, for putting my health and life at risk, for robbing me of years of not knowing what was going on in my life, for robbing me of memories, for robbing me of watching a healthy father/ child relationship, for robbing me of someone to share old age and a lifetime of memories with. I deserve the anger but can't feel it. I envy you because I feel like until I get angry he still has some kind of hold or control over me. That's is what I want to burn away.

[Maryiscontrary]

What I think  nature is telling you to do is to cut some cord, and put up boundaries regarding behavior you will not take from anyone, even if It was Mother Teresa.

[livednlearned]

What I think  nature is telling you to do is to cut some cord, and put up boundaries regarding behavior you will not take from anyone, even if It was Mother Teresa.

I think that's it.

It does feel like I'm cutting a cord somehow. I was thinking last night that it feels like my backbone has finally grown in. I've been so anger avoidant my whole life, which makes me mad just thinking about it! All the crap that other people dished on me, and I was the one who never expressed anger? WTH.

Someone told me once that I had an innate sense of justice. But I look back and realize I never had an innate sense of anger, or of boundaries. I knew what was right and wrong, but I rarely did anything about it. If you grow up with BPD in your life, they train you to stop caring for yourself because it conflicts with their dysfunction needs, what they want from you.

I'm so done. And I'm not afraid to be angry anymore. If anyone raises a voice at me, I'm raising mine right back at them.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm so done. And I'm not afraid to be angry anymore. If anyone raises a voice at me, I'm raising mine right back at them.

Good for you!  I'm in the same place; I haven't decided if I grew up with BPD or not, but I certainly developed an unassertive people pleaser mindset along the way, and the main problem with focusing out and putting other people's needs ahead of mine own is that, after a while, I forgot I had any needs.  I thank my BPD ex for being so massively abusive that the fact that my needs weren't getting met hit me right in the face, apparently what I needed.  I too have been focusing strictly on my needs and my boundaries for months now, selfish in a good way, and people have been getting earfulls, in fact I need to be careful since so much was stuffed for so long, that the anger I unleash in a specific situation can be inappropriately over the top and require an apology.  But hey, live and learn, beats the hell out of stuffing it.

[DreamGirl]

I remember a point in my life where my anger was intense... . and festering... . all directetd at the pwBPD in my life. I hated her. I really did. I felt like she took the sunshine and rainbows in my life and tainted them with all her black and white.  

That stage, that point of boiling over, was absolutely necessary in my healing journey.

It's part of a grieving process, it's part of the path to acceptance, it's part of what will make you whole.  

Anger induces change and it most definitely brings us an energy-powered drive. It is also such a temporary emotion for those of us who desire more to be happy.  Because anger is in fact pretty exhausting and it tends to dominate all the other emotions. It is a mighty force.

I don't confess this very often, but at the peak of my disdain, I went to a retreat that involved a paper mache project where you were able to do whatever you wanted with the finished work (pinatas of broken dreams). So, I made a paper mache replica of her head. I painted her up with her infamous scowl, gave her hair made of yarn, and then I burned her in the campfire.  

I cried the whole time. It was so cathartic... . and empowering.

LnL, this road for you has been difficult and so, so unfair.

It's OK to be angry. It's OK to scream from the mountaintops the injustice of it all. It's OK to find your voice and want to be heard.

You will get thru it. You will let go of the anger because it's power will not be so intense once you've expressed it and felt it so well. You will find peace within his chaos and you will prevail. Then the anger will have done it's job and be on it's way - leaving room for all that goodness you deserve so, so much.

You will let go of the hurt and the pain... . and the anger. When you are gosh darn good and ready to.  

I know you will and you'll be proud that you came out better for all of it. Every last bit.

~DreamGirl

[Free One]

I am in such a similar place. Hang in there. You've probably spent a long time not dealing with these feelings because you were in survival mode. Maybe you need to be angry right now, and that's ok.

Dreamgirl, you really said it all well. Thank you.

[Maryiscontrary]

Yes, your life is about to radically change for the better, if you honor this. People everywhere will respond to you differently.

[Grey Kitty]

I know that expressing hate is not a popular thing to say here on bpdfamily.com. We're supposed to be above that, and not start a riot because everyone feels so raw and hurt, and anger and hate look ugly on the Internet. But that's my honest feeling right now. Hate. Not at life, not at other people, not at myself, just toward N/BPDx.

This paragraph struck me... . it may be "unpopular" to express hate and anger, however I think it is completely healthy to do so.

I'm glad bpdfamily.com is a safe place for you to express those feelings.

As it has been said elsewhere, feelings are never wrong. They are real. You're really feeling it. As others who have felt this sort of thing have already said, they will pass when they are ready to pass.

The unhealthy thing would be to decide to act on your anger and hatred by going off to shoot your N/BPDx!

[mamachelle]

Hey livednlearned,

I love my anger now... . its not so white hot now, but comes out when I need it. It's a good tool to have.

8 years after the divorce and I recently had an employee

who was not doing what he was supposed to many times over and over and trying to hide it and blame me--- tell me-- when I was disciplining him-- I was too intense and as a manager I should just be more chill and just say "dude, you are doing it wrong" and I laughed and said, I blame my anger on my divorce. I got this way because of my first husband... . and if you think that was intense you are lucky you've never seen me really mad and really screaming.

Dude's eyes got very big.

mamachelle

[AnotherPhoenix]

Hi Lnl,

My 2 cents worth.

Allow yourself to feel the anger. Yell, scream. Wave your arms frantically while you do it. Or beat your bed with a pillow. A car is a great place to do it because nobody will hear you. If you are at home with your dog, scream into a pillow. My cats started to get very concerned about me and started meowing and pawing at me when I yelled without the pillow.    Let it flow through you and out.

As others have said, it is part of the grieving process. The grieving process isn't linear. There are many cycles.

Feel it, it is your emotion, let it flow out of you. It is healthy. It can be overdone, but this situation doesn't sound like you are overdoing it. It's very ok to be angry. It's part of your life and it is good to honor it.

AnotherPheonix   

[tcevans78]

The good things that I am perceiving:

You are aware of why you are angry.

You are directing your anger appropriately. 

You are vocalizing your anger and thereby expelling it.

You know/accept that your anger is justified.

You've taken responsibility for your actions.

You've taken responsibility for your life.

You know what is and isn't within your control. 

I try so hard to like/appreciate/be understanding of my BPDx I never knew why I was so angry.  The process of settin boundaries and growing is such hard, ugly, humbling work. You can't protect your child from his behavior.  Who wouldn't feel angry?  Get it out.  Before it gets you. Like it did me.  I find myself taking it out on my dog, and this past cpl weeks I've started losing my temper w my 2.5 yr old (I start to yell and catch myself).  It's eating at me. 

Get it out.  Here.  Anywhere.  Everywhere you can that's going to help.