How to Get Through the Triggers

[OnlyChild]

Although my T has not formally agreed with me that I might have some PTSD reactions from my one-on-one/Stockholm-ish/enmeshed relationship with my uBPD mom, I think I do.

I am very functional vocationally; perhaps that was my "cover."  After all, if I could be this successful in my career I had to be ok, right?   Nope!

I think my triggers are close relationships.  I have problems with intimacy/self disclosure.   It's like I cannot find enough adjectives to explain how I feel, or what I am thinking.   I never hold really deep conversations.   I'm an expert at talking about the weather, or a news feature... .   "reporting" rather than expressing.    When challenged to get close, I freeze up. 

This leaves me with a frustrated husband, and not a lot of friends.

I'm sure there are some of you out there than can relate to freaking out when something resembles enmeshment.     How do you cope?    How do you shake out of the freak-out?

Thank you!

[Clearmind]

Good questions OnlyChild and its great you are delving – adult children of Borderlines often feel a gamut of emotions however we are often unsure how to process them. We were not provided with much guidance and our emotions were sometimes discounted. This has caused a number of issues around contradiction.

Getting close to others may bring a whole host of vulnerabilities. Its often safer for us to push relationships away than to foster them and risk being hurt in the process.

This stems from replaying our childhood script. As kids we needing protecting, we were kids – our teachers, “our parents” role was to protect us on our behalf.

As adults we grieve that lack of protection. To hope out of the childhood script its helps to begin to process where these adult fears stem from. We become accustomed to reacting from this emotional place which can inflame our feelings of unworthiness and around the cycle we go.

Trust that you have the ability to protect yourself now – Mom/Dad are not your protectors – you are! Learn more about boundaries – when you do involve yourself in close relationships – trust that you have the ability to use boundaries rather than feel that you are being swallowed/lost/vulnerable/trapped in inaction.

When you feel yourself feeing vulnerable – talk to yourself and inquire why you may be feeling fear, anger or whatever emotion it is you feel. Find that place where it came from.

Feel it rather than think it. We have a tendency to over analyse - rather than feel our emotions we discount them (product of so many contradictions as a child)

Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind

Free 12 week video series: The Self-Acceptance Project - Finding Our Sense of Fundamental Worthiness – great tools for breaking the habit of self criticism and finding self compassion.

[thesurvivor]

I lost all of my close friends when my mom got really bad and I stopped being able to have intimate friendships.  I don't know what to tell, other than it's not just you.  I can make "friends" like if I go out on a sailboat race, I can socialize and talk to them about boat stuff and be likeable, but whenever anyone tries to get to close I back away.

I have relationships, but I keep my feelings about most things to myself because I feel they are not normal even though they are.  I am just embarrassed to be me.

I think the broken trust we got as children from having BPD parent(s) makes it hard for us to trust anyone and how can you have a close friend if you can't trust.  Is that how it is for you?

[XL]

Although my T has not formally agreed with me that I might have some PTSD reactions from my one-on-one/Stockholm-ish/enmeshed relationship with my uBPD mom, I think I do.

I agree, and have wondered this about myself. I tend to lose time and get thrown off if I start thing about the past. It also seems some really awful moments are burned into my memory and I can't remember some happy ones.

I try to maintain a balanced schedule of to-do lists and exercise. Exercise can jolt me out of my mindset if I start ruminating.

As far as friends go, I try to keep a lot of occasional friends that fill different roles. I don't get sucked into long supportive talks, just dinner every three weeks or something. It's a little hollow, but they seem to be in the same demographic and appreciate it. I do wonder if I irritate the partner. I try to force in a mix of ridiculous topics, or redirect the conversation to his day. I can get really dark in large doses.

I've felt like a lot of the things I've said are total "record scratch" conversation stoppers that just reinforce how weird my life has been. Like mom's hoarding. It's better to deal with the really bizarre stuff in a focussed group like this where people know what you're talking about.

[zone out]

As an only child of a uBPD mum I can identify with you.  For years I wished I had a sibling to share these strange experiences with but realistically there is every likelihood that had that been the case we would have been treated differently and would have had different perceptions on the whole situation.  The only friend who knows exactly what is going on is one who has been in my life from early childhood and experienced some of it herself.  She knows by my voice when things are bad so there is no point trying to hide anything from her.  I also find myself asking her to fill in the gaps at times as significant chunks of my childhood seem to be a bit blurred.  I can get to know people easily on a superficial level but I definitely hold back from sharing the turmoil in my head... . I think anybody who had no experience of it would have a hard time trying to understand.