He's leaving.

[Wishful thinking]

My h has informed me yet again that he is leaving me.

I told him that i wouldnt stand in his way. If it is something that he wants.

He added that he thinks its in my best interest for him to leave. I am still young and can find another man who can love me. He mentioned again that im better off without him. And then came the rest of how selfish i becam over the months. How i have changed. How much i hurt him. And how much im getting a kick out of hurting him and seeing him hurt.

I cried my eyes out of course and unlike other times he didnt bother to console me, which means he is serious.

I asked him if he loves/loved me. His answer was no.  He loves aspects of me.

He said he wont change soon.

What hurt the most was when he said that the dreams i have are ridiculous. Wanting a husband who will be the provider and me wanting to be a housewife.

Im okay now. Its 1am and i cant sleep cos i have no idea as to how this one will pan out. Fear of the unknown i guess. Reading on revious posts from others it has strengthened me to know that i will be oay if he decides to go.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

    I'm so sorry that you're going through this.  I know it's difficult, but it's really good to hear that you understand that you WILL be ok if he leaves.  Keep posting and reading... . the lessons will help you stay focused and we will be here to encourage you. 

[Chosen]

Hi Wishful thinking,

 It sucks to not have the security like some other "normal" couples, knowing that our spouses will not leave us (ok, but to be honest- who knows for sure?).  A lot of us at the board have also gone through this, and thinking back, I've been going through this ever since we dated... .   and yet I didn't see the signs, and we got married, and after married he says time and time again he will leave.  I'm sorry you're going through this.

What I'm going to say you probably know already, but... . try to ignore the words he use, and how he says you're changed, etc.  These are just stuff he says to release his emotions.  A lot of it probably doesn't reflect what is really going on in his mind.  So, there is no need to dwell on his words to justify him wanting to leave.  They probably don't make much sense anyway.  I'm glad to hear that you are ok, even if he leaves.  In the meantime, take good care of yourself.  I guess time will tell whether he means it or not.

[Wishful thinking]

Its kinda bad timing.

I have exams coming up and I need to be strong for the next few days.

Thank you Rocky love and Chosen for your encouragement and words

Like you said only time will tell.

I will try not buy into the words that he used. Because i grew up in an unstable home, it kinda brings back memories - bad ones. And he brought up all the past times that ive hurt him. He says im a hard woman and i hurt him.

[Chosen]

Focus on YOU for the time being, Wishful thinking.  And no, this isn't selfish.  Don't let you H tell you otherwise.

My H accuses me of hurting him all the time as well.  I think what he means is actually "I feel hurt", but we both know he has to blame it on somebody, he cannot own up to his own feelings, and that somebody is us. 

I spent several years believing in everything he said about me, until the few people around me who knows what's going on think I'm crazy, and my confidence was non-existent.  It didn't make him respect me any more.  I know it's hard to believe it's not really us (maybe we're not that good people, but we're most likley not much worse than other people out there), but you have to try and detach yourself from those words and ask if what he's saying is the reality... . or is it just his reality?  We can't change what they think, but we can know ourselves better in this process.  It is only when we have a stronger sense of self that we can discern what they're really saying has little to do with how good/ bad we actually are.

[Wishful thinking]

you have to try and detach yourself from those words and ask if what he's saying is the reality... . or is it just his reality?

Another battle ensues in my head regarding this.

I grew up in a dysfunctional home. I got rewarded well if i was a good girl. But the blows were bad when i was a bad girl. I grew up to always wanting to be the rescuer, wanting to please everyone else. Putting boundaries in place resulted in a all-hell-breaks-loose effect. This in turn allowed me to weaken my boundaries in life.

I then decided to say NO a little bit more. This resulted in my family perceiving me as ugly, selfish. Even my mom called me a horrible person at one stage.

Being in therapy helped me to understand the boundary thing and the effects of it in my family and friendships. It helped me to build my confidence again as i sought help when years of suicidal ideation became a reality of actually planning the event. Antidepressants together with therapy has helped me alot.

After few months of marriage I felt unappreciated, used and also disrespected.  My confidence started to shrink. I began being happy outwardly but inside the sadness of hw i was being treated lingered

To summarize the above quote from Chosen... .

I cant answer that right now. Maybe i am this horrible person my mother used to say i was. And my mother didnt keep her feelings about me from my h. Or maybe my confidence has shrunk so much that i am unable to see the difference. I feel as if everything that was built in therapy was slowly breaking down after i got married.

After reading post from wave rider, i kinda need that time again to rebuild my confidence again because together with my husband i isolated myself myself from the rest of the world.

[Chosen]

I suppose there is no "the reality".  The reality perhaps is that that I have said something that some people may find to be less than 100% validating.  I could certainly have done better, but the truth is some people may let it go, and some people may find this deeply hurting.  As my H is very sensitive to anything that is invalidating, his reaction would be the latter.  He isn't "wrong" to be hurt, this is his reality.  I'm probably not "wrong" to say what I did, and that is my reality.  Sometimes they don't really match.

I have been there, deep in the FOG, having doubts about everything I say because I was so scared that H would rage upon whatever I ask (even if it's just "what plans do you have after work?", and I was second-guessing every single thing about myself.  And I was never that person before.  I was confident, have my values in the right place (or so I thought), so how could I be like that?

I think perhaps going through this with your mum already sank your confidence levels, and now that you're with your H, you let him dictate who you are, and you centre your world and your values on him.  It is right how many senior members here say all the time- we have to first love ourselves and accept ourselves before we can expect others to love us.  I don't mean that you're going to proud of even your faults, think you're the best thing that has ever happened, but you have to know that you are an imperfect person and sometimes you will do things that other people will not like.  That doesn't make you a "bad person" at the core... . nobody is 100% perfect or 100% evil, you're just somewhere in betwen.

[Jeansok]

Wishful thinking... . My husband does that all the time he's even pack up his stuff before but he never follows through with all empty threats with him. He has told me the exact same thing about being young and finding somebody else. In fact like you all looking back he did stuff like this as far as telling me I'll find somebody else when he decided that we were too much for him to handle. I didn't know it then but knowing what I know now I can see the signs and red flags.  Wishful thinking I have been exactly where you are and it sucks I know. I have bawled my eyes out countless times with no affection from him. Hang in there because I have a feeling he won't follow through if it's anything like my experience. Half the time anymore I'm just like I wish he would leave... .

[Jeansok]

Chosen I relate so much to you too. My H is super incredibly sensitive to everything. I let things go probably easier than most people in my opinion and living with him where he is the complete opposite on top of the BPD is challenging. Hey bring that things I've done in the past all the time to manipulate me into thinking how horrible I am

[Chosen]

Jeansok, I feel for you.  It's not easy living with this type of person, be it a spouse, parent, child... .

Unfortunately it is very typical BPD behaviour.  This is why the Staying board always teaches us that it is important to take care of ourselves first.  If we have poor self-image, what they say will just make us feel 100x worse.  Only when we are in a good place ourselves that we can handle conversations and ups and downs with them.

[Jeansok]

Thanks chosen... . im about halfway into the walking on eggshells book and am trying to learn everything I can to take control of my life and not live and do solely based on my H mood. I cant let him determine or make me feel bad about doing something as normal as going out with friends like id rather be with them   ... . talking to a counselor next week that specializes in this. The past couple months I have joined a support group at church... . need to take my life back

[Wishful thinking]

Thank you Jeansok.

Really we certainly do relate in many things.

Jeansok, u know, im so sad and im crying as im typing this but i think he is serious.

We still talk. Well he talks and I cry. He wants me to move on. He knows im not happy and he even admitted last night that he has broken me down over this past 2years. Im

Obviously he didnt neglect to mention my flaws. But im listening and he said that he will stil be there for me as a friend.

He also said that something in his brain has switched off. And he will never be the same person ever.

I asked him hows he was feeling. Total lack of empathy. No affection. Nothing.

One thing I do know, that im going to take this time and think about everything. Trying to concentrate on myself and on my life. Despite his BPD he has good instincts. Overly sensitive definately.

Like you Jeansok, Ive often wish the same, that he would leave. And even if it should happen, it still doesnt prepare a person for the hurt and sadness one feels. Im so sore inside. But it is what it is. I dont hate him. And this is what makes things even more difficult.

[Jeansok]

I'm so sorry you are going through this Wishful Thinking. I too, have been there where I have heard the exact kind of things. To move on and we'd have 50% split custody of our son etc etc (like with my daughter and her dad) (rolling my eyes)... . That's part of my issue. I don't want to go through another divorce. I was too young the first time and now I find myself in a completely different situation. I know what you mean. My H is a good person inside and I have never felt hurt like I have with him. It's like my bones hurt, so believe me I know how you feel. About two weeks ago he came in while I was sleeping, got right up to my face and said "will you go with me to sign the papers tomorrow"... . I just ignored him.

I wish for you peace and understanding - How is he today?

[Wishful thinking]

Jeansok

What an aweful thing for you to have gone thru. Really. Thats really not nice. Im so sorry that you has to experience that.

Reading your post makes me realise that my h might change his mind. Will see how it goes. I was on vacation for 1month and went to my home country. We were in contact daily. But i had a few messages from him apparently crying because he missed me so much.

I asked him whether hes wanting to leave because he fears that i might abandon him, but he says no.  He doesnt want to hurt me anymore. We fight alot and he can see where we are heading to. And he would rather do it now than wait another few more years.

He spoke to a mutual friend at church informing him of the situation and said its irrepairable. My h dont usually talk to anyone about us ever.

The 2nd thing is that we are not affectionate towards ea other - was it the same with you? He has never cut me off like this before.

Theres also alot of incongruency. Like the letters he wrote to me a month ago. If anyone saw us a week ago they wouldve thought that we were so in love. He always used to say that he will divorce me if i want one. He understands.

But then again the roller coasters is nothing new.

Whatever he is deciding, this 'space' is putting lots of things in perspective for me.

[arabella]

Wishful Thinking 

I've heard all those same things too - it's irreparable, his feelings have changed, he's hurting me, he needs space, a switch has flipped and it can never go back, etc. It's black and white thinking and fatalism at its best (worst?) Suffice it to say that, while it took a few months, my dBPDh's switch flipped back again - twice now. I very much doubt that this thinking is going to last in your H. It's only been a month (a lifetime for you, I know) so you have to consider that time frame against the entire span of your r/s. Drop in the bucket.

That being said, there is nothing (in my experience) that you can say or do to speed up the process or change his mind. Your only option is to focus on getting yourself through this. It's possible that this is the end - if that were the case, what would you do to ensure that you came out okay on the other side?

[Wishful thinking]

arabella

Besides the tears, the thought of him leaving has opened up new avenues of thinking for me.

Regardless, i am still watching him for suicidal ideations etc. He's been divorced and right after that he suffered a breakdown.

If this is the end im gonna start my life over and seize the day. Pursue my dreams etc. If he decides to stay i will live my life to the best of my ability and focus on what i want and pursue my dreams. But i will cross the bridge when i get there.

[Jeansok]

Man, Wishful Thinking - I know EXACTLY. One week we are like honeymooners and the next we have divorce written all over it. It's very emotionally disheartening. I too have thought the end was really it... . and it never has been SO FAR. I know all too well what you are going through and I'm deeply sorry. I am so new at this but am learning I need to put myself first for the sake of my children at least. This is a weird position for me to be in, because naturally in biblical terms your are supposed to put your spouse first?... . This is not a normal situation and one struggle for me is the values and what is right and wrong here and what I am "supposed to" do... . it's all so confusing and keep us posted on what happens. Again, I'm so sorry. I just don't believe my husband anymore when he says he's going to leave. Countless times he's said he's almost gone and put a deposit down on another place... .

[allibaba]

This is a weird position for me to be in, because naturally in biblical terms your are supposed to put your spouse first?... . This is not a normal situation and one struggle for me is the values and what is right and wrong here and what I am "supposed to" do... . it's all so confusing and keep us posted on what happens.

Quick thought on this.  By putting yourself first and your kids first... . you are actually doing what is healthy for your spouse and therefore putting him first.  I think!

Countless times he's said he's almost gone and put a deposit down on another place... .

  Ha ha ME TOO.  And funny enough I think that I have a good marriage.  It may not be good in the traditional sense... . but its still good

[Wishful thinking]

Ha ha about the honeymooners. Its so true. Cant help but laugh at how things can be so up and then suddenly so down.


The good thing about BPD is that its okay for us to totally focus on ourselves. Maybe its something that SO in 'normal' marriages cant do.

Will keep you posted on how things are going.