DD7 wants to see BPD/NPDm tho we're 18mo NC

[TenaciousMe]

So - Mother's Day is a upon us and as usual, I'm second-guessing NC. Lately, my DD7 has occasionally been asking me to hurry up and call my BPD/NPDm and "make up" with her. (Background: She witnessed the argument that prompted our NC and I have struggled to explain what is unexplainable ever since.)

I recently visited a child psychologist, who I have consulted for years on parenting issues and has given me good advice in the past. She is familiar with BPD/NPD, but still asserts that if my DD7 is asking to have contact with my mom, then I should allow her to send a letter/email/phone call -- whatever LC I can stand, simply to allow DD7 to have some closure on this very confusing situation.

My own shrink - a BPD expert - says I'm clearly not ready for any contact with my mom.

The truth is: I can't imagine any contact with BPD/NPDm that doesn't create more drama/stress/angst in my life -- and by association - DD7's life.

Still, here I am trying to conjure some letter that I could write to my mom that could be direct and non-blaming, yet set boundaries to protect me and my family while still creating a channel for her to connect with DD7... . it's all just so crazy-making! And once again, I am the one who has to do the heavy lifting. UGH.

What to do?

[lessdramanow]

I think it's like dealing with a lion.  If you got bit but your daughter only had good experiences, would you let her still be around that lion (even limited contact) and risk injury?  I know it's not the same thing, but I think it's dangerous to let her have limited contact considering what your mom has done with you and it would be a matter of time until she starts that rollercoaster with your daughter-and would affect her severely.  Sometimes kids want to do dangerous things but we keep safety in mind--even if it's from someone like a disordered grandparent (whether the child can understand it's best at the time or not).

[tryingtoheal]

We don't let our kids have any contact with my likely BPD mom since we've been in NC and now very little LC. (My enmeshed dad is terminally ill.)

When my oldest asked to visit my parents, my pat answer was "It just doesn't work out right now." and left it at that. Course, we didn't have any arguments that he witnessed. But, he just assumed that our schedules didn't work out so that we could visit each other. And, it is a rather truthful statement.

As it turned out, that answer was enough, and slowly, he started asking more and more infrequently about seeing my folks, to the point where he doesn't ask anymore.

[Clearmind]

TenaciousMe, I can understand this is difficult for you. YOu feel caught between protecting you and DD and permitting low contact.

If you do contact Mom keep it simply "Mom, are you open to working with me to establish some boundaries so we can both be happy and comfortable with moving forward?" - not suggesting you say this verbatim however the key point here is boundaries and working together.

Her response is telling and will establish an idea of where to from here.

[GeekyGirl]

Things become so much more difficult when kids are involved. It's only natural for your DD to want to see her grandmother, but at the same time, I completely understand your apprehension about having your mother around your daughter. It's good that you've spoken with some experts, as that can give you some additional perspective.

You mentioned writing a letter and setting some firm boundaries. Is that what you feel is best for you and your DD? Is there another option (like allowing your DD to write a letter and screening any mail between your BPDm and DD? 

Is it possible that since your DD witnessed the argument that started your NC that she feels somewhat responsible?

[TenaciousMe]

GeekyGirl and Clearmind - Thank you. And apologies for my lagging response time here.

You are both so right. I think my daughter probably does feel responsible for my fight with my BPD/NPDm - though i have tried to ease her mind about that when it seems appropriate.

i did ultimately facilitate an email exchange between the two of them and my DD seemed extremely relieved. Of course, I felt like a horrible mother having let so much time go by before opening contact between them. 

After a few days of their back and forth - they exchanged e-greeting cards -- DD seemed to have nothing more to say to her so we stopped. And my mother stopped.

BPD/NPDm had sent DD a gift out of the blue - which triggered this exchange (that and Mother's Day). Before sending it, BPD/NPDm posted images of the gift on her Facebook page - tagging me -- letting the world know how much she missed DD, doubling the time in which we have been NC, telling all our mutual friends that she hoped I would pass the gift along. (I'm such a meanie.)

Anyway, after my DD's exchange, I sent an email to my mother -letting her know we'd received the gift, that it fit DD and thanking her. She has yet to respond. I am clearly being punished now. (Trigger. Trigger. Trigger.)

Thank you all for your responses here. They're very helpful and kind.