It's been a long time and I wish I could say I'm happy now. But I can't

[jjk0614]

Hi Everyone,

It's been a really long time since I've posted here. I'm not sure why but I just gave up on every avenue of healing I was using about 8 months ago. So it's been a full year and a half since my breakup with my ex fiance with BPD. It has also been a full year and a half of NC. Kind of. Last week she sent an email from her new school email. She is in graduate school now I guess. The email was a simple link, nothing else. I knew it was her because of the email name. At first I thought it was just spam and I was still in her contacts but when I noticed it was from a newer inbox, one that she didn't have when she left me, I clicked on the link. I never should have. It took me to a blog she keeps for school. This one in particular was her trashing men who give fake engagement rings. For those that know my story you know that I bought her two rings. The first one was real, small, but real, and her daughter stole it from my nightstand and threw it away before I had a chance to ask my ex to marry me. So I replaced the ring with a fake one. A really nice but fake diamond. This post that the link sent me to had her really putting down the guy that would ever, for any reason, buy a fake engagement ring and have the audacity to ask his girlfriend to marry him . She never named me specifically in the post but she sent the email with the link nonetheless.

   I really could have gone the rest of my life without ever knowing that she wrote that post, and I would have been just fine with never knowing. So I'm a mess again. I expected a crap reaction but not for this long. I'm right back to missing her and her beautiful kids that I love soo much. I am sobbing and crying everyday all over again. I honestly don't know what to do. I can't handle any more of this pain. It's just too much.

Help me please

[WalrusGumboot]

I'm going to turn this story around. There is a woman who a year and a half after a breakup and no contact, decides to pierce her ex's heart for the heck of it, out of the blue, and over something trivial as whether the rock on her finger was genuine or fake. Like anybody else would notice it was fake or judge her negatively because it was   But they seem to be all about externals, so it should not be surprising, huh?

If she is ruminating over this still, aren't you glad you didn't go on with the marriage, where she would hang other decisions you make that she didn't like over your head perpetually? I've had piddly little things thrown at me in arguments with my ex that occurred several DECADES before. The only reason to bring them up was to hurt me. I am so glad I will not be subject to that again.

I'm sorry she opened some wounds, but this too will pass. 

[Louise7777]

I completely agree with Walrus. JJK, I know its hard, but you really should be thanking God for not marrying her.

I suggest you read other posts, some people led miserable lives with BPD partners for 20, 30 or 40 years... . Some are really strong and should be congratulated for their resilience and the way they dealt with it. But Im sure it had a huge cost for them.

I hope you feel better soon. 

[winston72]

Great response, Walrus!

Hooya!

[Clearmind]

Jjk, says its not the ring that is causing you hurt - what emotions are underneath that? What are the hooks here?

This says more about your own worth than it does about her.

[Louise7777]

I didnt mean to underestimate the pain. Actually I said Im aware its there. But in order to help, Im focusing on the good side of the situation.  

We all who have had a r/s with a PD person know the pain. I hope you feel better soon.

[charred]

I feel fine now, I understand not being able to say you are happy now (months after the breakup)... . it was a lot of dreams that died hard, and after years of what seemed like a black and white life, to have an exciting relationship that was like HD technicolor was very exciting... . but it wasn't based on reality and I am finally accepting of what it all was. For over 20 years I had longed for that woman, felt like my life was ruined/pointless because I had lost her, that I had lost her because of faults in me. Then the miracle of a second chance... . the excitement, new hope... . and it turns out I was a lot better off without her, in fact would have been far better off if I had never met her... . that is a lot to accept... . but I do.

Occasionally I have a bad day, but most the time I am fine... . some joy and hope is slowly creeping back in... . and its normal for healing... . so not really happy, but fine for now.

[charred]

I have learned a few things; Mindfulness helps to keep the ruminating about the past and future down, reducing anxiety ... . far better than anti-anxiety meds, and no doubt healthier.

Attachment theory helps explain why it hurts so much... . but doesn't do anything other than explain it directly... . indirectly it points to us having our own issues to contend with... . and contending with deep seated issues with your FOO is not something you are likely to do very well without a T, so get a good one.

Therapy is slow/costly and at times painful, there seems to be a lot of PTSD/Co-dependency issues that go along with many r/s with pwBPD. I think it may come down in many cases to people shutting down their own feelings (repressing hurt/disappointment) ... . and that makes for putting up a wall to keep people at a distance... . the pwBPD ignore boundaries and blow past the wall, so it is that much worse since someone with a wall like that has pushed true intimacy away as well... . the touchy-feely types call feelings your inner child, so you find out that the books on having a happy inner child... . instead of being the BS they sound like... . are are dead on accurate... . never would have expected that. The pain in the therapy comes from running back through all the old hurt and trying to actually deal with it instead of repressing or avoiding it... . and after a long time of avoiding hurt, there can be a lot to reprocess.

Most surprising finding from all my reading and T, and self indulgent self-examination... . is that I look at things more honestly... . and I see PD's and dysfunctional behavior all over the place... . especially in businesses and top management. OMG... . its shockingly clear that many of our bosses and co-workers are un-diagnosed pwNPD or other PD's. I studied philosophy for years, and normal psychology, took management classes, read everything I could, and still couldn't understand why a lot of the things happened in companies that do... . but abnormal psychology and personality disorders finally explained the part I had trouble understanding. Nutty decisions come from nutty people, who don't have their employees, their company, their country or anything but their own self interest in mind... . they sacrifice the rest for their own gain. Blame their victims and show a lack of integrity and empathy that is truly disordered. Wish it was one or two people in one or two companies, but I think it is an epidemic, maybe a pandemic.

Finally, I now realize that understanding what and why something is happening, whether its our r/s with a pwBPD, or the motivations of the nut job in charge of the company we work for... . is only the start. We have to accept reality, truly accept it, then take charge of our lives and do something to make our situation better.

That might be T, moving on to a new relationship, or getting a new job, or starting a business.

If we don't control our destiny, someone else will.

[jjk0614]

I'm quite surprised that I'm 1.5 yrs into NC and the breakup and I still care for her. I still love her actually. I have also gotten used to the pain over her. The pain seems to be a comfortable place for me to be in. Does that make sense to anyone here? It's as if all I have left of her is the pain.

[musicfan42]

Charred I cannot begin to express how dead on your posts are. It's as if you were the one in the r/s with my ex pwBPD. I suppose that let's me know that I am not alone in this pain. Honestly I'm quite surprised that I'm 1.5 yrs into NC and the breakup and I still care for her. I still love her actually. I have also gotten used to the pain over her. The pain seems to be a comfortable place for me to be in. Does that make sense to anyone here? It's as if all I have left of her is the pain.

Your feelings are okay-accept whatever feelings that you have right now.

I know exactly how you feel-that you've felt pain for so long that you're not sure if you'll ever be happy again. So you sort of decide "ok, well if I feel this bad, this is just the way my life is... . I'll feel like this forever... . I might as well get used to it and not hope for anything... . not try to help myself"... . you sort of got stuck in the pain... . just completely stuck... .

It's hard to feel a sense of loss-you just feel so helpless... . that you can't do anything about it. And also a sense of anger (or at least that was just me anyways)... . a sense of "why me?"... . as in "why did this have to happen to me? I'm a good person, I treat people well, I don't deserve this".

I'm wondering whether you're experiencing depression-I would definitely advise you to go to your doctor and explain how you're feeling. Maybe some meds and therapy would be able to help you... . not that it will take the pain away but it may ease it somewhat and help you function as you struggle through this bad patch... .

There are some mindfulness techniques in the workshops section of this website that may be able to help you navigate through the pain too.

[gettingoverit]

Charred I cannot begin to express how dead on your posts are. It's as if you were the one in the r/s with my ex pwBPD. I suppose that let's me know that I am not alone in this pain. Honestly I'm quite surprised that I'm 1.5 yrs into NC and the breakup and I still care for her. I still love her actually. I have also gotten used to the pain over her. The pain seems to be a comfortable place for me to be in. Does that make sense to anyone here? It's as if all I have left of her is the pain.

Is it love or need? I thought I still loved my x but realized with time it really wasn't love but a need to be loved unconditionally (which of course in BPD fashion she did at the beginning). I always felt as a kid that I was never loved unconditionally by my parents... . interesting that when my ex came into my life I was leery at first but soaked up the LUUUUVVV with fervor. I couldn't get enough of it. That created a need in me. From that point on I was addicted. I confused my addiction/need for love.

I am still trying to figure out and understand what true love really is and how it manifests itself, however what we lived through and how we felt with our exes I believe was NOT LOVE.

[tailspin]

jjk 

So you're not happy because your ex girlfriend/fiancée, who is mentally ill, thinks guys who give girls fake engagement rings are tools?

Ok she is projecting here and you've seen this all before.  This is nothing new. 

Do you really think this is about fake engagement rings?  Because I don't think so.  I think she is projecting the hatred she has for herself, and I think she's projecting the shame she has for the fake love she gave to you, resulting in the ring. She is turning her anger on the ring instead of herself because this is safer.  She's playing blame the "object" game.

Whether rings are real or not doesn't matter but she's making rings an issue.  Why?  Because she has objectified you the same way she has objectified the fake engagement ring.

She's the fake.  She hated the ring because it was a fake the same way she hates herself because she is the biggest fake of all.  Stop giving her so much credit, k?

tailspin

[jjk0614]

It's not the ring specifically, it's just her. She is so vindictive. I haven't reached out to her in a very very long time. My days are spent hurting still, but I've grown comfortable in that hurt. I focus on work and my daughter and haven't dated anyone in a long long time. I'm just not ready. I've accepted that my ex wBPD and I are over. She cheated and I can never ever forgive that. But sometimes I want her  back... . sometimes I cry over how amazing her and I used to be. Sometimes I just want to go away from life... . use drugs again or alcohol. I'm in therapy and have been for about 7 months with a Therapist that I really like and have a connection with. He helps, but as you all know, therapy only goes so far. It's not the cure. I still hurt. Charred understands that best I believe

[slimmiller]

Just another thought here... .

How many women (nons) would love to be cared for like you did her? Even if it was a fake ring, its the thought that counts. You could have given up at the loss of the first ring but you cared enough to go get another. Thats a wonderful thing for you to do for someone you love

I honestly dont think she ever deserved even a fake ring

[charred]

It's not the ring specifically, it's just her. She is so vindictive. I haven't reached out to her in a very very long time. My days are spent hurting still, but I've grown comfortable in that hurt. I focus on work and my daughter and haven't dated anyone in a long long time. I'm just not ready. I've accepted that my ex wBPD and I are over. She cheated and I can never ever forgive that. But sometimes I want her  back... . sometimes I cry over how amazing her and I used to be. Sometimes I just want to go away from life... . use drugs again or alcohol. I'm in therapy and have been for about 7 months with a Therapist that I really like and have a connection with. He helps, but as you all know, therapy only goes so far. It's not the cure. I still hurt. Charred understands that best I believe

Been there.

I went out a number of times, and at first it was very hard, I didn't feel any connection and wanted to be somewhere else. Eventually I quit trying to date and just found reasonably attractive women to go out and do something I missed doing, like seeing a movie... . and it was so low pressure that some hope and enjoyment came in to it.

Went out with my exwife some as well, and there is still love there, but she and I both have resentment issues to deal with and the thought of spending the rest of my life without that electric excitement is hard to accept at this point. So rather than dwell on it, I am living day by day and appreciating the relative calm in my life since the pwBPD is out of it.

The time passes faster if you are busy, the busier the better. The more people you are interacting with the better as well.

[tailspin]

 

We've all been there; the question is... . how do we get to someplace new?

One of the first items on my agenda was to knock my ex off the pedestal I placed him on and see the fantasy for what it was.  A fantasy.

Romanticizing the relationship and glamorizing your ex will keep you stuck.  And if you think a year and a half is long... . I've read posts here from people who are stuck 10-years out and longer.  At some point it helps to take responsibility for your life and the choices you make and, although it's difficult to do, you cannot remain the victim if you wish to heal.

tailspin

[sm15000]

So I'm a mess again. I expected a crap reaction but not for this long. I'm right back to missing her and her beautiful kids that I love soo much. I am sobbing and crying everyday all over again. I honestly don't know what to do. I can't handle any more of this pain. It's just too much.

I'm really sorry   . . .this was a particularly spiteful thing to do and says more about her than you.

It's been a year and a half of NC for you. . .and I'm sure in that time you have made progress but this was a deep hurt again especially when you are still recovering (I've been split up 2 yrs, NC a year and I'm still feeling it).

I've had a few of these 'hurts' along the way - I've also had a crap reaction, had a good old sob, and felt down once more  . . .the thing is after it, I feel a bit stronger again - more reality seeps in. . .and I have come to realise, although I loved him it was warped and its best I'm out. . .I hope you do too  

[charred]

One of the first items on my agenda was to knock my ex off the pedestal I placed him on and see the fantasy for what it was.  A fantasy.

... .

Romanticizing the relationship and glamorizing your ex will keep you stuck. At some point it helps to take responsibility for your life and the choices you make and, although it's difficult to do, you cannot remain the victim if you wish to heal.

True... . and if you are in the position to be the one that ends it, it is easier than having them dump you... . been on both sides as we went round and round and round... . still tough, but losing the fantasy and dealing with the reality is what you have to do to get over it.