No support at all...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I really do not know how to handle what is happening.ExPWBPD appears to have got a number of mutual friends on his side by claiming that I stalked him, prevented him from getting into another relationship,sent abusive texts,was generally an awful person who made his life hell and made his mental health suffer.Needless to say none of this is the truth but I have noticed that a few friends have removed me from Facebook.I contacted my cousin the other day... . no reply.I also contacted a good mutual friend... . no reply.The friends that I do talk to about my situation have also let me down... . one told me today that me talking about him was "getting boring" and that I had been saying the same things for nearly a year now,I couldn't change him so why keep talking about it.I have had pretty much the same from another two "good "friends.Why don't they understand that I need to talk in order not to feel so alone and comprehend what is happeneing to me?I honestly feel so alone in this... . it is bad enough having to live with it but even worse when the only support you have decide that they cannot be bothered to listen to you anymore.It's OK for them... . they have "normal "relationships.They cannot understand that I love this man and had made real plans for a future.Am I expected just to "forget" and not mention it anymore?Maybe I am pathetic but it's hard for me just to switch off my feelings and accept that even after alll I tried to do,all that I did and all the support that I gave, ex has decided to go off with another woman.Is he so good at what he does that he has taken away my only means of grieving and taken away those who I relied upon for support?This is a nightmare and it's so hard to watch others interact with him normally.It hurts me.

[Nearlybroken]

I really do not know how to handle what is happening.ExPWBPD appears to have got a number of mutual friends on his side by claiming that I stalked him, prevented him from getting into another relationship,sent abusive texts,was generally an awful person who made his life hell and made his mental health suffer.Needless to say none of this is the truth but I have noticed that a few friends have removed me from Facebook.I contacted my cousin the other day... . no reply.I also contacted a good mutual friend... . no reply.The friends that I do talk to about my situation have also let me down... . one told me today that me talking about him was "getting boring" and that I had been saying the same things for nearly a year now,I couldn't change him so why keep talking about it.I have had pretty much the same from another two "good "friends.Why don't they understand that I need to talk in order not to feel so alone and comprehend what is happeneing to me?I honestly feel so alone in this... . it is bad enough having to live with it but even worse when the only support you have decide that they cannot be bothered to listen to you anymore.It's OK for them... . they have "normal "relationships.They cannot understand that I love this man and had made real plans for a future.Am I expected just to "forget" and not mention it anymore?Maybe I am pathetic but it's hard for me just to switch off my feelings and accept that even after alll I tried to do,all that I did and all the support that I gave, ex has decided to go off with another woman.Is he so good at what he does that he has taken away my only means of grieving and taken away those who I relied upon for support?This is a nightmare and it's so hard to watch others interact with him normally.It hurts me.

[crystalclear]

Nearlybroken,

Firstly lots of   and  to you!

Sorry to know your friends do not understand you. I know how hurting that is, and it is easy to judge them for this behavior.

I have been completely lonely for about about 4 months now, since my breakup with my pwBPD/NPD. In fact i lost (guys) good friends while in the r/s due to his insecurities. My best friends are guys, but none including my family actually understand what i am going through. They let me cry out and be emotional for about a month. After which they got did not like when i would talk about him or the things i experienced with him. They expected me to MOVE ON by now and should have forgotten of him by now.

I felt isolated, and still feel at times - so i let out my emotions to myself (behind closed doors, talking to myself, or crying in the bathrooms where noone heard me). I cannot blame them, because they did not go through such situations or had a r/s with someone so disordered and callous.

That's when i found friends and support - HERE! I am so thankful to have got here. I can connect and feel connected with others here. I wish i could meet you all like we meet friends - but when ever i feel like i need to share my experiences, feelings i just come here and post it. I read the stories and learn how others are coping on their side.

You are NOT ALONE, i am here for you and everyone here. Like you guys have been there for me. Together helping one another!

Keep posting and sharing what you are experiencing. Speak your mind and heart!

CC

[123Phoebe]

No doubt about it that it's hard and it hurts feeling all alone in the world   I've been there before and understand.

Nearlybroken, the reality of it is that this really is happening.  Your boyfriend is gone.  Your friends are growing weary of listening to your pain.  They care more than you think; they want what's best for you!  They don't want to see you suffer.  Sure, it might seem dismissive in their attempts to snap you out of your funk, the thing is though... . they can't.  Only you can really take care of you.  Does that make sense?

I am positive that I pushed a lot of really good caring folks away with my pain.  It's uncomfortable being exposed to so much pain.  I was dumping it in their laps, with some sort of expectation that they could make me feel better.  They couldn't and it wasn't their job to do so.  I was stuck in my own pain and wouldn't accept their love and support.  I was selfishly using them as a dumping ground for some really heavy emotions.

Until I got tired of hearing myself and tired of being in pain, nothing changed. 

Some things are better left for a therapist to hear; are you seeing one to help sort through this?

We're here too!  So you're not entirely alone   We're going to be like good friends though and nudge you into thinking differently about yourself, life, relationships... .   We want to support you and we want you to feel better!

Are you ready to feel better?

[Nearlybroken]

Thank you CC,

I am just struggling with everything at the minute and cannot seem to get things clear in my head.All I know is that I feel nervous,shaky,sick and weepy all the time.Yet ex seem to be able just to get on with life (maybe something to do with the other woman).I cannot believe that I fell so madly in love with him... . mind you I knew nothing of the BPD when I did... . because I still look back to the poems, the flowers, the notes.Hurts to think he will be doing that to her now.We just got on so well... . and now... . it's such a mess and a mess that I feel I am being blamed for.He has totally changed.100%. :'(

[Nearlybroken]

I want to feel better so much.And I know that my friends are tired of hearing about it.It is just that it has been the worst experience of my life and I can't help but talk about it.I have no self confidence and it took so many years to "find" someone who treated me as he did.Yet, ironically it ended up to be the worst thing that ever happened to me.I am not a strong person... . and this ,well,I think a strong person whould be starting  to feel the effects now.I wish I could afford a therapist but I can't... . I think I really need someone to help me sort out my head.

Thanks for the advice 123P... . it's comforting to know others have experienced similar.

[stop2think]

Nearlybroken,

I completely understand how that feels. It is very distressing to have your family and friends expecting you to bounce back to normalcy faster. That's b/c like you said they have no experience with pw any mental disorder, especially when it involved love, and intimacy.

We all here on this forum b/c we are jolted by the intensity of the emotions we undergo not just during the r/s but in the aftermath of the end of such r/s. Each of us have our own bandwidth to endure and fathom the consequences and affects people with such disorders have on us. And 'the person' with it had been very dear and close to our hearts at one point of time, and we were meant to be 'their world/life' like they told us. We had made plans of future together, dreams together... . together always... . period! How heart wrenching could it be when all of these dreams and plans were wipped out in no time - by the very same person.

Neither my friends nor my family can understand my plight. But have supported me in otherways for which i am grateful to them!

I have been in this mess for months now, and i know these array of unhealthy emotions cannot disappear within days/months.

WE ARE NOT ALONE, as long as we have one another. This site has been my haven and my savior - I thank all of you for being there for me.

If you ever feel like talking feel free to write to me. Keep posting here as well, it really helps!

[Confusedandhurt]

Nearlybroken,

I too share your feelings of loneliness.  My friends and family can't appreciate what it's like to be in a relationship with a pwBPD, so they really cannot relate.  As we all know, it's not the same!  Like you and others, it's great to have this community to lean on from time to time.  We are a group that "gets" it.  Stay strong and continue to draw strength from those on these boards.  What a great group of people.  They are truly a God send!

[123Phoebe]

Have you had a chance to read over the Lessons in the right sidebar of this page?  Also, Attachment Leads to Suffering, Detachment Leads to Freedom, directly underneath?  Lots of really good stuff in there, Nearlybroken, really really good.

Grieving the relationship and all the hopes and dreams that came with it will be hard; do not want to downplay that at all.  It hurts.  It's necessary though to feel that pain, to move through it, to understand where it originates from.

I don't know you, but I think you're selling yourself short by calling yourself 'weak'.  It takes strength to endure what you have and strength to reach out for support.  

We are here when you need us.  We've all been through some form of what you're experiencing.  We get it.  We might be in different stages of recovery, so please bear with us as we work together in helping you through this... .  

Some things will be hard to hear, some things will hurt, some things will make you laugh and some things will give you Aha(!) moments.

Putting the focus on ourselves is truly a foreign concept when we're used to being 'other focused'.  It's one of the most wonderful experiences though-- Getting to know ourselves.   Taking the time to care about ourselves.  Learning to love ourselves

Please read the Lessons and the underlying links.  And keep reaching out for support!  

You're one step closer to feeling good, yay!

[Jonie]

Hi Nearlybroken,

No support - that's exactly why I joined this community. I understand exactly how you feel, I'm in the same place.

With me, my friend with whom I have been together for over 5 years, suddenly stopped seeing me; he needed time and distance. That was 3 months ago. In daily life there's only 1 person I can talk to about this situation and the despair.

I sometimes wonder: if he had had an accident and gone into a coma, I would have received so much support from other people! The actual situation is similar: he's alive, probably still loving me, but I can't get into contact with him, and I don't know if he will ever come 'back to life' for me again. And where's the support now... . ?

[Nearlybroken]

I have often thought that if my ex had a physical disorder then I would have recieved  much more support from the Health Service and certainly a lot more support from those surrounding me.I think the truth is that noone can known the pain of our situations because they are so "unreal" to those in healthy relationships.They tire of the trauma... . sometimes I feel like saying "well, try living with it everyday".

It's a horrible limbo that you are in... . I wish I knew what to say to you.What are your plans?

[Gimme Peace]

Unless they have experienced the roller coaster ride of being with someone who has BPD, they cannot understand how tormenting it is. Looks easy from the outside, "just leave the guy and move on". But it's just not that easy. I've lost a few friends this past year, because I reconciled with BPDh and after a few pleasant months, it was right back to the very dark place where he dwells.  They just don't want to hear about his mental instability anymore. I have found support on this board but mostly I've learned that the only one I can really depend on is MYSELF.

[Nearlybroken]

You are so right Happyplace... . though I am pleased that those closest to me have not experienced this... . I am tired of the lack of empathy from them.It's hard when you realise that you don't have anyone to talk to amymore ,that noone understands.I have been accused of making excuses for him,letting him walk all over me etc... . by the same people who then go on to intergrate with him normally.Cofusing and hurtful to me... . I have never wanted people to take sides but sometimes I almost feel that they "promote"his behaviour towards me by treating him normally... . oh, I don't know.This is all so very hard.Are you still with your husband?

[Gimme Peace]

Right now we're living together, but I've been saving for months so that I can move out. He can be "normal" for only a few days at a time, right when it seems like he's doing OK... . BAM... . he goes into creepy, silent mode. He's not a rager, he internalizes and gets that "possessed" look on his face. This  happened over the weekend and always catches me off-guard. I should recognize by now that as soon as it feels normal and healthy, that it really isn't, he's just faking being happy and cannot maintain it. Yo-Yo.