Finding more where I didn't expect it

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I haven't posted in over a week but have still been reading threads. Read one today that really hit home (treading water). I have learned and been able to use the tools effectively and even radically accepted my uBPDh... . but I am really struggling with accepting that THIS is all there will ever be to our relationship. There haven't been any rages in quite awhile and my husband has greatly improved in his communicating with me about himself. However, my needs are still put last if they are considered at all. I just don't know if I'm willing to settle for this. I think the sticking point for me is that now that he has reached a point where he is more in control of his emotions, he still thinks his efforts are tremendous and should be greatly appreciated while my efforts are minimal and therefore do not warrant appreciation. Every good thing he does (no matter how small) is HUGE but every negative thing (no matter how big) is nothing while it is the opposite for me. Basically, I'm working my *ss off for this r/s but getting very little in return. He's half-*ssed working in it and getting all his needs met. And he thinks that is great! But I don't think it's enough for me. I really don't know that I can live in his world for the rest of my life. I don't think I can continue a r/s indefinitely where I have to meet my own needs. Yes, I  know that I have to be willing and able to meet my own needs and do that but to be in a r/s that I put so much effort into with little to nothing in return seems almost pointless. Am I working so hard only because I made a commitment to him? Is that commitment worth the price I am paying? I just don't know anymore. Right now, it is but barely. I am fairly sure I cannot do this indefinitely. I am already suffering physically - at least once a week I am sick - physically sick. I am so worn out.

I think I might be at the stage of grieving the loss of my husband as I once knew him. I stumbled across old letters from him last night and it really brought to light how different he used to be. When we met there really weren't any red flags - even looking back, they just aren't there. I'm starting to think his T may be right in that what he has is Complex PTSD instead of BPD. The symptoms are nearly identical. He was a phenomenal husband until just a few years ago when he went to Iraq. That was a horrible year for us. On top of the horror he faced being in battle, we had a family crisis nearly every month of that year: his brother was critically injured in a vehicle accident, his father's failing health took a turn for the worse, our son had some serious medical issues, my brother had a serious medical issue, I even had a cancer scare. It all culminated with his father passing away on the day he left Iraq. Because he was in transit, the Red Cross couldn't get the message to him and when he excitedly called me to say he was finally back on US soil, I had to tell him about his father. He had told me so many times that he didn't want to see his father after he died because he wanted to remember him alive. I told his mother that repeatedly but she refused to listen. So less than 24 hours after he came home, we flew to his parents home and then went straight to the funeral home to see his father. It was incredibly traumatic for my husband and he hasn't been the same since. Suddenly now thinking it all over, I have to wonder if part of him blames me for so much of his pain in that year. I know him well enough to know that he always has to have someone to blame for anything negative - someone other than himself. It was ME who told him of his brother's accident, ME who told him about our son's issues, ME who told him about his dad, ME who failed to get his mom to honor his wishes to not see his father's lifeless body. This is the first time I've thought of all that this way and I am sobbing with the realization. Everything makes so much more sense: all his accusations that I didn't take care of things while he was gone, telling me I was selfish and irresponsible, the reaching out to other women for flirting (because he could no longer do that with me), the anger, the hatred... . he didn't know where else to put the blame so he put it on me and now doesn't know how to change it because he can't even see it himself. He blames me and doesn't know how to love someone he perceives caused him so much pain. I know I'm being an armchair psych right now but it all makes perfect sense suddenly. I mean EVERYTHING!

This is certainly not how I expected this post to go but I'm grateful for the realizations I've made. It is somewhat easier to accept him and his behaviors now but I'm still wondering... . now what? There most likely won't be any healing until he faces this himself but I know he doesn't recognize it and probably won't unless it's explained to him... . but how to make that happen? I've spoken with his T before so I'm wondering if I should call her again.

Husband and I have a "date" later today and I was going into with the idea that his behavior might be the turning point for me - seeing how much or how little effort he made and then making a decision. But now, I'm going into it totally different - wondering how this realization I've had will affect how I see him and his behavior. Either way, it is probably going to be a day of discoveries. Wish me luck!

[byasliver]

I haven't posted in over a week but have still been reading threads. Read one today that really hit home (treading water). I have learned and been able to use the tools effectively and even radically accepted my uBPDh... . but I am really struggling with accepting that THIS is all there will ever be to our relationship. There haven't been any rages in quite awhile and my husband has greatly improved in his communicating with me about himself. However, my needs are still put last if they are considered at all. I just don't know if I'm willing to settle for this. I think the sticking point for me is that now that he has reached a point where he is more in control of his emotions, he still thinks his efforts are tremendous and should be greatly appreciated while my efforts are minimal and therefore do not warrant appreciation. Every good thing he does (no matter how small) is HUGE but every negative thing (no matter how big) is nothing while it is the opposite for me. Basically, I'm working my *ss off for this r/s but getting very little in return. He's half-*ssed working in it and getting all his needs met. And he thinks that is great! But I don't think it's enough for me. I really don't know that I can live in his world for the rest of my life. I don't think I can continue a r/s indefinitely where I have to meet my own needs. Yes, I  know that I have to be willing and able to meet my own needs and do that but to be in a r/s that I put so much effort into with little to nothing in return seems almost pointless. Am I working so hard only because I made a commitment to him? Is that commitment worth the price I am paying? I just don't know anymore. Right now, it is but barely. I am fairly sure I cannot do this indefinitely. I am already suffering physically - at least once a week I am sick - physically sick. I am so worn out.

I think I might be at the stage of grieving the loss of my husband as I once knew him. I stumbled across old letters from him last night and it really brought to light how different he used to be. When we met there really weren't any red flags - even looking back, they just aren't there. I'm starting to think his T may be right in that what he has is Complex PTSD instead of BPD. The symptoms are nearly identical. He was a phenomenal husband until just a few years ago when he went to Iraq. That was a horrible year for us. On top of the horror he faced being in battle, we had a family crisis nearly every month of that year: his brother was critically injured in a vehicle accident, his father's failing health took a turn for the worse, our son had some serious medical issues, my brother had a serious medical issue, I even had a cancer scare. It all culminated with his father passing away on the day he left Iraq. Because he was in transit, the Red Cross couldn't get the message to him and when he excitedly called me to say he was finally back on US soil, I had to tell him about his father. He had told me so many times that he didn't want to see his father after he died because he wanted to remember him alive. I told his mother that repeatedly but she refused to listen. So less than 24 hours after he came home, we flew to his parents home and then went straight to the funeral home to see his father. It was incredibly traumatic for my husband and he hasn't been the same since. Suddenly now thinking it all over, I have to wonder if part of him blames me for so much of his pain in that year. I know him well enough to know that he always has to have someone to blame for anything negative - someone other than himself. It was ME who told him of his brother's accident, ME who told him about our son's issues, ME who told him about his dad, ME who failed to get his mom to honor his wishes to not see his father's lifeless body. This is the first time I've thought of all that this way and I am sobbing with the realization. Everything makes so much more sense: all his accusations that I didn't take care of things while he was gone, telling me I was selfish and irresponsible, the reaching out to other women for flirting (because he could no longer do that with me), the anger, the hatred... . he didn't know where else to put the blame so he put it on me and now doesn't know how to change it because he can't even see it himself. He blames me and doesn't know how to love someone he perceives caused him so much pain. I know I'm being an armchair psych right now but it all makes perfect sense suddenly. I mean EVERYTHING!

This is certainly not how I expected this post to go but I'm grateful for the realizations I've made. It is somewhat easier to accept him and his behaviors now but I'm still wondering... . now what? There most likely won't be any healing until he faces this himself but I know he doesn't recognize it and probably won't unless it's explained to him... . but how to make that happen? I've spoken with his T before so I'm wondering if I should call her again.

Husband and I have a "date" later today and I was going into with the idea that his behavior might be the turning point for me - seeing how much or how little effort he made and then making a decision. But now, I'm going into it totally different - wondering how this realization I've had will affect how I see him and his behavior. Either way, it is probably going to be a day of discoveries. Wish me luck!

[byasliver]

Well, the date was... . interesting. To anyone on the outside we probably looked more like old friends rather than a couple. The conversation started off tense but quickly relaxed. uBPDh did some small thoughtful things but they felt forced to me since generally he was very closed and distant. I really don't feel like I have anymore answers today than I did before. The only thing I am sure of is that I need to switch gears and work on ME. I bought some self-reflection workbooks/journals and will begin on those today.

I had originally posted this in the "Staying" thread but I do understand why it was moved. However, I do want to say that I'm still committed to this relationship. Just working through things to discover what that will mean and facing the fact that it may mean I have to choose to leave.

[Bulgakov]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I have friends who went to Iraq and/or Afghanistan. They certainly were not the same when they returned. It seems like your H was really put through the ringer with everything that was happening back home. I wonder if that could have triggered some abandonment issues. I'm not as knowledgeable about BPD and PTSD as I'm sure some of the others on this board are. I'm sure some others will have some more constructive input.

I do think you need to do some things for you (self reflection). I am so bad at this even though I know I need it. What's more, I'm very independent and I'm sure some trips alone or some activities for myself would really help my sense of value and identity. I am a writer of sorts, usually in the realm of music, but I have had terrible writer's block lately. So I got a new notebook and I'm just writing dialogues with myself. Sometimes 2 characters, sometimes more. I find it to be pretty therapeutic, though I'm still working at it. The conversations with myself so far have helped me work out some issues while also giving me material that I might hold onto for later.