Reflecting: Too busy vs. my issue?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

As I'm reflecting on my r/s with my uBPDex, I'm wondering how much of this particular issue is mine.

As I've posted before, he liked to keep his social calendar VERY busy.  Lunches 3-5x/week with different friends, out 3-5 evenings a week, and often helping friends/making plans on weekends.  To be fair, he did cut back in the last 8 months of our r/s on weekend stuff b/c our T said for him to try.  But I think it increased tension b/n us, b/c I think he truly *needed* to be busy and limit intimacy/vulnerability with any one person.

I was very unhappy with his busy schedule.  I would talk to him about planning out our social engagements together (meaning let's pick the nights we're going out separately with friends ahead of time), so that I wouldn't be thinking I was coming home to him, and then find out last minute he would be going out, leaving me at home on my own.  Which would be fine occasionally, but it happened what felt like a lot to me.  I also asked him to pursue time with me in the same way he pursued his friends.  Regardless of what "deals" we struck about these things- he never really did let me know about his social calendar, nor did he actively pursue me in any sort of regular way.  (except for sex when he finally came home and came to bed at the end of a long day).  He said that it was difficult for him to tell me about his schedule because I got upset; and he sees me all the time, so he didn't feel a need to set up dates with me.  Oh - and if I ever planned an outing with a friend, he would use that as an excuse for the next couple of weeks to just go do whatever he wanted (well you went out with your friend - nevermind that I double-checked with him before planning it so that we decided it together), so I found myself limiting my own social calendar in hopes of seeing him, and not wanting to trigger him to leave me more.

I did get frustrated about his social calendar- however, I believe I was upset largely because of the imbalance of power - he decided all of it, and didn't include me in planning.  Also, I definitely have issues with feeling left out - and this type of set-up left me feeling left out a fair bit, as he didn't pursue me in the same way with the same enthusiasm.

I'm thinking though that perhaps a "healthy" person would have recognized the mismatch in needs, and either decided to get busy themselves, accept that they would not see their partner much, join in with whatever their partner is doing from time to time to see him, or leave?  I definitely spent more time than I think was healthy trying to "convince" him to see my side and adjust his behavior. 

I feel shame about this aspect of our r/s, and it's this kind of shame that keeps me going back for more.  The underlying belief is that if I just could react in a "healthy" way, then maybe the r/s would work.  Although - I guess one of my "healthy" options above was leaving.  But it was leaving from a place of knowing that I'm ok.

Any feedback would be great.  I'm not sure how this dynamic would play out in a healthy r/s.  thanks so much for reading.

H4E

[Healing4Ever]

As I'm reflecting on my r/s with my uBPDex, I'm wondering how much of this particular issue is mine.

As I've posted before, he liked to keep his social calendar VERY busy.  Lunches 3-5x/week with different friends, out 3-5 evenings a week, and often helping friends/making plans on weekends.  To be fair, he did cut back in the last 8 months of our r/s on weekend stuff b/c our T said for him to try.  But I think it increased tension b/n us, b/c I think he truly *needed* to be busy and limit intimacy/vulnerability with any one person.

I was very unhappy with his busy schedule.  I would talk to him about planning out our social engagements together (meaning let's pick the nights we're going out separately with friends ahead of time), so that I wouldn't be thinking I was coming home to him, and then find out last minute he would be going out, leaving me at home on my own.  Which would be fine occasionally, but it happened what felt like a lot to me.  I also asked him to pursue time with me in the same way he pursued his friends.  Regardless of what "deals" we struck about these things- he never really did let me know about his social calendar, nor did he actively pursue me in any sort of regular way.  (except for sex when he finally came home and came to bed at the end of a long day).  He said that it was difficult for him to tell me about his schedule because I got upset; and he sees me all the time, so he didn't feel a need to set up dates with me.  Oh - and if I ever planned an outing with a friend, he would use that as an excuse for the next couple of weeks to just go do whatever he wanted (well you went out with your friend - nevermind that I double-checked with him before planning it so that we decided it together), so I found myself limiting my own social calendar in hopes of seeing him, and not wanting to trigger him to leave me more.

I did get frustrated about his social calendar- however, I believe I was upset largely because of the imbalance of power - he decided all of it, and didn't include me in planning.  Also, I definitely have issues with feeling left out - and this type of set-up left me feeling left out a fair bit, as he didn't pursue me in the same way with the same enthusiasm.

I'm thinking though that perhaps a "healthy" person would have recognized the mismatch in needs, and either decided to get busy themselves, accept that they would not see their partner much, join in with whatever their partner is doing from time to time to see him, or leave?  I definitely spent more time than I think was healthy trying to "convince" him to see my side and adjust his behavior. 

I feel shame about this aspect of our r/s, and it's this kind of shame that keeps me going back for more.  The underlying belief is that if I just could react in a "healthy" way, then maybe the r/s would work.  Although - I guess one of my "healthy" options above was leaving.  But it was leaving from a place of knowing that I'm ok.

Any feedback would be great.  I'm not sure how this dynamic would play out in a healthy r/s.  thanks so much for reading.

H4E

[snappafcw]

Just speaking from my own experience from having a BPDexgf I think this is quite normal. It's always about them and we are too scared to place any boundaries Incase they leave. My ex would always put her best friend before me 100% of the time which really hurt because she would always tell me in certain situations she haden't been a good friend. Again it's all about their needs and wants not yours. There is no compromise with a BPD person

[Healing4Ever]

snappafcw - wow - thanks for that.  I couldn't see it so clearly as another way that he did things *his way* because it tied into my own trigger of feeling left out, so I could not set appropriate boundaries because I was worried I was asking for something wrong.

I now see that I was asking for some negotiation, in part because of my triggers, but at the very least to have my side considered.   (there are many ways in our r/s that he has not been able to consider my side if it's not how he feels - classic BPD, so now I see how this fits)

I'm going to continue working on my trigger of feeling left out, and hope to find someone who's life rhythm better matches my own.  I know there must be men out there who want to focus at least part of their time hanging out with their SO.  That's what I want in my life.  I'm ready to figure out how to heal and get it.

H4E

[purpleavocado]

Healing, I've been lurking on this board but I read your message and was compelled to finally sign up and reply! Your experience sounds very similar to mine. My ex (officially bipolar, but I am convinced borderline... . ) had a very active social life at work. She would stay at work for easily 16 hours a day and I wouldn't see her all week because I'd be asleep by the time she got home and she left before I even got up in the morning. And on the weekends she would either do absolutely nothing, work more, or plan social activities that she would completely exclude me from. I only met some of her closest friends once, and she was spending hours with them!

It became very clear that I was not a priority and that, above everything else (which was a lot, as I'm sure you can relate to) was what ended the relationship.

I can really relate to you in the sense of self-blaming. I often wonder if I should have tried harder to get "my own life" and not worried so much about her activities. But I don't think that's a fair assessment, because we all deserve to be in mutually fulfilling relationships, however that looks to us. I am of the opinion that couples should have their own interests and outside lives, but I think caretaking and worrying can take up so much of our time that we don't even have the energy for that kind of self care.

Please don't blame yourself. There are always things we could have done differently but that's no reason to take the blame here.

[connect]

Healing – yes I can relate to what you say too. It’s classic eggshells isn’t it? You want to see him more but "give him a pass" to do EVEN more socialising when you make your own plans!

My bf (ex?) had a reasonable social life and I was included with one group of friends but excluded from another. I also tried to explain the making plans together concept when he told me last minute that he had made his own plans for 2 days of our weekend which excluded me. I said that I had been invited to something too but had not agreed to it yet as I wanted to see what we were doing first (it wasn’t something I was super excited about) Instead of him seeing this as an example of consideration, he instead said that I was too flaky at making plans with people.

It can be hard to get the socialising stuff sorted in my experience but we didn’t work on it much so maybe it would have improved.