Cancer and BPD saved my Life (after almost killing me)

[nolisan]

Three years ago I was diagnosed with stage III cancer. I went through chemo and radiation. Last week I had my regular check up: All Clear!

During the treatment I quickly dropped 20 pounds - indicators of my immune system also plummeted. The first follow up appointment post treatment indicated that the tumor was gone. I would have to be monitored closely for the next 5 years - as time cancer free increases the probability of it returning decreases. Two years cancer free is considered the "magic line" (for my type of cancer).

After the chemo and radiation my weight and health improved until ... . I fell in love with a BPDgf. The cycles of closeness, then her "splitting" when something minor I did triggered her, then her suddenly running and then returning caused me extreme stress (inner child issues of abandonment).

I chart all of my health measure and the graphs tell a completing story. In the year with DF my upward trend reversed - my weight fell below the previous low during Chemo/radiation ... . I was convinced the cancer was back but my Docs couldn't find anything. I was afraid to share my fears with the ex because I thought she would run (despite her saying she would say with me forever even if I got sick again - in my gut I didn't trust her based on her erratic behavior).

So 8 months ago I told her to GTFO after a final betrayal. She did and emailed me that she never wanted to hear from me ever again. That stung but I new it was for the best. There has been NC on both sides.

I had a checkup a few days after. I was TOTALLY convinced the cancer was back. I was even feeling some compassion for her - she wouldn't have to be around to witness my slow and painful death or self euthanasia. More importantly I would be able to die in peace without the fear of her ultimately running away. This time they did an extensive evaluation at my insistance and looking at my charts.

Clear again! Something in my soul shifted ... . I felt hopeful again and that I might in fact be cancer free ... . I might live. This was a small glimmer in the painful period of grief and withdrawal for the trauma bond that had deveolped.

Since then my weight has come back - my blood work has normalized. I have more energy and my outlook has improved (I still have my moments of emotional pain and grief).

The relationship was killing me - a deadly mind / body disease. She was like a "cancer" and my codependency and adult child wounding was like a blood supply feeding the tumor. It was getting worse. I truly believe that in my weakened state the cancer of some other disease would have taken me out - possibly even suicide.

Today I am a double winner: a cancer and a BPD r/s survivor. Every day is a gift ... . even the ones that aren't so good.

I love life ... . living free of "cancers" that suck the life out of me! I am taking better care of myself now physically, emotionally and spiritually. That which didn't kill me has made me stronger and wiser. In fact the r/s has straightened my "emotional immune response". I no longer let mentally or spiritually sick people into my inner circle.

[stop2think]

 nolisan,

Wohoo... . Congratulations! Your experience and fighter spirit is absolutely inspiring!

Hope you have a fab and healthy life... . Cheers

S2T