Helping in the aftermath.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

When my now ex-fiancee was diagnosed I began thrusting myself, like a lot of people here, into the disorder; trying to understand it, trying to understand them. After some months, and she said she was checking into a longer-term BPD program, I began trying to learn even more and I did. I picked up numerous books, videos, and coasted the internet all I could. I developed what I think is a keen understanding, though perhaps it was partly coping. However, she was simultaneously engaged to someone else (her supposed "ex" and had actually moved in with him across the country. I found out months later despite her continuing our "fantasy", as she called it, via phone and a couple of visits. Nevertheless, I did still learn a lot regarding all that befalls the BPD population, the disorder itself, and I developed perhaps an even greater sense of compassion, even in the fallout, and even still for her. While we were together I genuinely wanted to help her, and I even considered a postgraduate route with the focus on it at one point. I learned a great deal, and I think I've acquired more than enough to pass it along in any way I can, and I'd really like to. (Not to her - we haven't spoken since that day.)

I have a hard time more with what she did than anything involving me - the difficulties I have with it are that she put my life on hold while she had her own. That is my concern, so I'm not really worried about my state of mind or emotional well-being around anyone with BPD. But I'll be frank: I am very hesitant to willingly introduce myself into the population again. I hate the stigma they suffer, I hate even that last sentence, because it's not something they ask for, but begrudgingly it is warranted.

I'm just curious as to whether anyone has any history with this, how they did it (volunteering, groups, etc.), and how it might have turned out.

[mvx8]

When my now ex-fiancee was diagnosed I began thrusting myself, like a lot of people here, into the disorder; trying to understand it, trying to understand them. After some months, and she said she was checking into a longer-term BPD program, I began trying to learn even more and I did. I picked up numerous books, videos, and coasted the internet all I could. I developed what I think is a keen understanding, though perhaps it was partly coping. However, she was simultaneously engaged to someone else (her supposed "ex" and had actually moved in with him across the country. I found out months later despite her continuing our "fantasy", as she called it, via phone and a couple of visits. Nevertheless, I did still learn a lot regarding all that befalls the BPD population, the disorder itself, and I developed perhaps an even greater sense of compassion, even in the fallout, and even still for her. While we were together I genuinely wanted to help her, and I even considered a postgraduate route with the focus on it at one point. I learned a great deal, and I think I've acquired more than enough to pass it along in any way I can, and I'd really like to. (Not to her - we haven't spoken since that day.)

I have a hard time more with what she did than anything involving me - the difficulties I have with it are that she put my life on hold while she had her own. That is my concern, so I'm not really worried about my state of mind or emotional well-being around anyone with BPD. But I'll be frank: I am very hesitant to willingly introduce myself into the population again. I hate the stigma they suffer, I hate even that last sentence, because it's not something they ask for, but begrudgingly it is warranted.

I'm just curious as to whether anyone has any history with this, how they did it (volunteering, groups, etc.), and how it might have turned out.

[ISwallowedaFly]

hey mvx8,

this sounds to me like it might be an extension of, as you said, thrusting yourself into the disorder. at a certain point that can come at an absence of self. ive no doubt youre a compassionate person with lots to offer people. but that too, at a certain point, can come at an absence of self. a way of burying yourself in someone elses needs, and/or something that becomes fulfilling in an addictive way. i think you may be at risk of that, and its a powerfully addictive dynamic. twice you mention not being terribly concerned with your own well being. it can also be something that makes you continue to feel connected to this person which wont help your process. i think thats the biggest risk.

so i wouldnt recommend it. frankly, you are not a therapist or psychiatrist (neither am i) and are not necessarily qualified to "help" pwBPD. that doesnt have to mean you cant put your knowledge and your compassion to good use. but its worth mentioning how few therapists will even work with BPD. its a whole complex bonding process that sounds a lot like a sort of reparenting. you are basically asking for another complex relationship with a pwBPD. thats something i dont think you can be prepared for.

consider investing these positive traits you have in otherwise healthy relationships with others who you are just as qualified to help as anyone else. you have a unique perspective that you can advise from in lots of different ways. however, if you remain serious about working with pwBPD, id suggest you read up on dialectical behavior therapy.