Deactivate my FB account ?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,

Its been over 4 months since he left me, and 3 months for NC from both sides. To those who do not know my story - in a nutshell it was LDR intense r/s which started with love bombing, and he desperately wanting to get married as he worried abt his age. It lasted for 1.3 yrs until he broke up with me because he said he was frustrated. Within 2 months he found a new woman and got engaged to her after 1 month and is getting married this or next month.

I had unfriended him on FB almost immediately on the day he brokeup (out of anger), but his mom was still on my list... . I decided to delist her too but couldn't as I feel horrible to be harsh to anyone, and always thought of how people I know perceived me. Moreover I was scared to logon by sheer imagination of his mom posting his engagement pics... . or something that would throw me back into that painful zone. I don't know why she hasn't unfriended me as I reckon she raised doubts on my character to him when we were still together,  and he would call her crying for help the times when I wanted to breakup or needed my space in between his abusive behavior and control.

My question is and I need your suggestions for - do I deactivate my FB account so I don't have urge to snoop into his or his relatives profile and also reduce the anxiety and the fear attached?

I have always been very active on FB. Will my this action prove how weak I am, that I am affected by the past and present and he has the power - like a [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url] that I am in pain after he dumped me?

[crystalclear]

Hi all,

Its been over 4 months since he left me, and 3 months for NC from both sides. To those who do not know my story - in a nutshell it was LDR intense r/s which started with love bombing, and he desperately wanting to get married as he worried abt his age. It lasted for 1.3 yrs until he broke up with me because he said he was frustrated. Within 2 months he found a new woman and got engaged to her after 1 month and is getting married this or next month.

I had unfriended him on FB almost immediately on the day he brokeup (out of anger), but his mom was still on my list... . I decided to delist her too but couldn't as I feel horrible to be harsh to anyone, and always thought of how people I know perceived me. Moreover I was scared to logon by sheer imagination of his mom posting his engagement pics... . or something that would throw me back into that painful zone. I don't know why she hasn't unfriended me as I reckon she raised doubts on my character to him when we were still together,  and he would call her crying for help the times when I wanted to breakup or needed my space in between his abusive behavior and control.

My question is and I need your suggestions for - do I deactivate my FB account so I don't have urge to snoop into his or his relatives profile and also reduce the anxiety and the fear attached?

I have always been very active on FB. Will my this action prove how weak I am, that I am affected by the past and present and he has the power - like a [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url] that I am in pain after he dumped me?

[VeryFree]

Hi!

I think you should do whatever you want.

Reading your last sentence it seems to me like you try to do the things to make him think a certain way about you. Try not to care about his thought. Try to care about yourself!

We can not know how they think. Probably which way you choose, for him will be a reason to have negative thoughts. Deactivating will possibly tell him either you've abandoned him and maybe week.

Staying active will possibly tell him you want to snoop around and control him.

Try not to care about what others think. Care about your own feelings.

[Octoberfest]

Hi!

I think you should do whatever you want.

Reading your last sentence it seems to me like you try to do the things to make him think a certain way about you. Try not to care about his thought. Try to care about yourself!

We can not know how they think. Probably which way you choose, for him will be a reason to have negative thoughts. Deactivating will possibly tell him either you've abandoned him and maybe week.

Staying active will possibly tell him you want to snoop around and control him.

Try not to care about what others think. Care about your own feelings.

I'd like to echo these statements.

Something very hard for me during this whole breakup and recovery process has been accepting that life could go on without my BPDex... . It is why so often these relationships never seem to end.  It is why so many times we go through recycling.   Conceiving of the future without our BPDSO's in it is unthinkable.

But it is what you must do.

You are going to continue suffering, and worrying, and letting yourself be dragged down so long as you keep making your decisions for THEM.  There are a MULTITUDE of other reasons that could go into the decision of keeping or deleting your facebook, yet you focus on the ones concerning your BPDex whom you are trying to detach from.  See the issue?

Do things for ME, not for US.

[fromheeltoheal]

Conceiving of the future without our BPDSO's in it is unthinkable.

Yes.  That was an extremely important aspect of my disconnection from my BPD ex.  I intentionally focused on creating a future without her in it, weird because I didn't know what that looked like initially, but knew I had to create it.  Over time it has taken shape, and it's far better without her in it.

Facebook is skewed reality in a couple of ways.  Folks are always going to put their best cyberfoot forward on Facebook, unlike this website where we show real vulnerability, so looking at other people's posts when we're down can be depressing, especially if it's an ex.  And of course we have friends on Facebook that we only know on Facebook.  My thought overall is Is Facebook and are specific friends adding to my life and making me feel good, or is it a drag and some of them need to go.  It's a cyber version of real life.  If I focus on me, and not what other people will think, it's pretty easy to discover who's empowering and who's a drag.  I unfriended my BPD ex immediately, and haven't gone to her pages, but although I didn't have any of her relatives as friends, they would have gone by by too, since they would only serve to remind me of her.  Of course you could also deactivate your account and start a new one, a fresh Facebook start, like moving to a new city and starting over.

[crystalclear]

Hi!

I think you should do whatever you want.

Reading your last sentence it seems to me like you try to do the things to make him think a certain way about you. Try not to care about his thought. Try to care about yourself!

Hi VeryScared - There are days i care about what i think and what is right for me (which is not indulge myself into thoughts about him). I know we can never know what they think about us, its like this i read about in cognitive behavior therapy - 'mind reading' that we think negative about ourselves and outcomes without any factual evidence. But have known their manupilative ways and skewed perceptions about others (when in r/s) i think i just do not want him to take pride in my misery. I mean i think we put up enough with their 'negative' behavior and actions towards us.

Octoberfest and heeltoheal - No doubt FB is now an intergeral part of our virtual social network,and although we think that ppl only post the 'best times' - it still does not affect us less especially after they so quickly move on and are having a 'new life' while you are still picking up the pieces and struggling to even think of another r/s.

[fromheeltoheal]

Octoberfest and heeltoheal - No doubt FB is now an intergeral part of our virtual social network,and although we think that ppl only post the 'best times' - it still does not affect us less especially after they so quickly move on and are having a 'new life' while you are still picking up the pieces and struggling to even think of another r/s.

Yes, it can appear on the surface that a BPD ex never thinks about us, what we had meant nothing, and they're much happier now.  After digging a little, motivated by my own pain, I learned a pwBPD lacks object constancy, meaning 'out of sight, out of mind' is literally true for them, and it has nothing to do with us.  And the 'happiness' we might witness from them is them idealizing and mirroring the new person, who is undoubtedly happy because they're being idolized.  It's the exact same thing we went through, just earlier in the cycle.

And the biggest thing?  A pwBPD is never truly happy and content, for more than brief spurts; they spend their lives bouncing from attachment to attachment trying to feel whole, terrified of abandonment, and the times they are alone are intolerable and excruciating.  We stand a chance to be happy and content long-term, once we heal and learn and grow, and don't repeat the error with the next person, but first we have to move on and create a future without the BPD ex; it just takes some time.

[mcc503764]

I myself was very active on fb for awhile.  During one of our recycles, she told me how she would fb stalk me.  I guess for awhile, that made me actually feel good to hear that she was still showing an interest in me?  But the farther I've gotten from her now, I look at that statement that I just said, and honestly think to myself, how pathetic of me!  But that's exactly what they do to us, they break us down so low.  I was desperately seeking an ounce of validation from her, that it felt good to hear that she would do this. 

When I took a few steps back, I saw how low I had actually become over the whole situation!  After about 2 years now, and countless #'s of recycles, I finally came to the realization that I just don't care about that anymore.  It doesn't matter.

I was admittedly using fb at times to post ambiguous things that were directly related to her.  I was still friends with a few of her close friends, so I knew that my jabs, stabs, and sarcasm would get back to her.  I played this game for quite awhile, and honestly it just got old for me.

How much personal energy was I using to try and deliberately jab my x?  I was essentially using fb as a tool and as a means to try and seek some form of revenge against her.  In retrospect, I was obviously harboring a lot of hurt and anger.  My life was still about her... . it was taking up too much of my own SELF!

So, I made the choice to delete my account.  I don't want my x to see anything to do with me.  I don't want her to feel that she has some form of "power" over my head.  I like the idea of just disappearing.

Leave them to wonder where you are at?  What happened to you?  Are you in another r/s and moved on with YOUR life without them? (God forbid!)

I think that silence speaks volumes, much more than any words you could ever say.  I'm pretty sure that my x is so wrapped up in her man of the week right now, but there will come a time.  History tends to repeat itself.

[Suzn]

My question is and I need your suggestions for - do I deactivate my FB account so I don't have urge to snoop into his or his relatives profile and also reduce the anxiety and the fear attached?

Not giving in to an urge to snoop is for you to control. If you only unfriended him you can see his page whether he is a friend or not. Is his mother someone you will foster a healthy relationship/friendship with or will this simply keep you and he connected? She likely "knows" her son well and this probably isn't the first time she's seen him end a relationship. And at this time, if he is seeing someone else, she is probably giving your Facebook page little to no thought. Unfriending her will serve as one more step for you to let go of "knowing" what he is up to so that you can continue healing and moving forward.

I am one of the few here that advocate for Facebook. I set my Facebook page up as a healing place. I "liked" many pages with positive affirmations and quotes so that I see these positive posts daily. I'm very open with my friends about my expectations. If there is any sort of nonsense they are gone from my friends list. "Love ya, but I don't wana see that." It's amazing how many people get so emotionally attached to their Facebook page. Just because someone is a friend, that doesn't give them a daily spot for interaction in my life.

It's true that many people are on their best behavior on Facebook, it's also true that the opposite can be seen. I have learned more about a person watching how they "truly" behave on Facebook, showing people exactly who they are. It has been a very good tool to help me learn where to "place" a friend, at arms length or a little more distance or "hey, this is a person I am proud to be close friends with."  

I have about 15 people blocked because of their bringing in drama from my ex. Even if they meant well, sharing her life issues with me did neither of us any good, it only served to keep us connected. Facebook is your space, it's up to you, and only you, how healthy a place it is to be for you.

[fromheeltoheal]

I myself was very active on fb for awhile.  During one of our recycles, she told me how she would fb stalk me.  I guess for awhile, that made me actually feel good to hear that she was still showing an interest in me?  But the farther I've gotten from her now, I look at that statement that I just said, and honestly think to myself, how pathetic of me!  But that's exactly what they do to us, they break us down so low.  I was desperately seeking an ounce of validation from her, that it felt good to hear that she would do this. 

When I took a few steps back, I saw how low I had actually become over the whole situation!  After about 2 years now, and countless #'s of recycles, I finally came to the realization that I just don't care about that anymore.  It doesn't matter.

I was admittedly using fb at times to post ambiguous things that were directly related to her.  I was still friends with a few of her close friends, so I knew that my jabs, stabs, and sarcasm would get back to her.  I played this game for quite awhile, and honestly it just got old for me.

How much personal energy was I using to try and deliberately jab my x?  I was essentially using fb as a tool and as a means to try and seek some form of revenge against her.  In retrospect, I was obviously harboring a lot of hurt and anger.  My life was still about her... . it was taking up too much of my own SELF!

So, I made the choice to delete my account.  I don't want my x to see anything to do with me.  I don't want her to feel that she has some form of "power" over my head.  I like the idea of just disappearing.

Leave them to wonder where you are at?  What happened to you?  Are you in another r/s and moved on with YOUR life without them? (God forbid!)

I think that silence speaks volumes, much more than any words you could ever say.  I'm pretty sure that my x is so wrapped up in her man of the week right now, but there will come a time.  History tends to repeat itself.

I agree MCC.  The anger I felt for my BPD ex was on top of hurt, and once I got beyond the anger and felt through the hurt, things became clearer.  She was constantly attacking my self esteem and undermining my confidence because she is terrified of abandonment, and the more she could beat me down, the more control she'd have over me, and therefore I wouldn't leave.  Very sad, but not malicious.  And she told me the 3 guys before me did 'heinous' things to her, her word, as the relationship was ending; well yeah!  Of course they would after being treated like that, but she was incapable of seeing her part or identifying her motivation.

And you're right, the desire for revenge motivated by anger goes away as the anger is dismissed and the hurt dealt with.  But I have to admit, realizing that a BPD's biggest fear is that of abandonment, that leaving and completely disappearing, which I did too, is the best way to hurt them.  I didn't do it to hurt her, I did it to save my life, but the fact it did hurt her immensely, which she really only realizes during the quiet times when she's alone, feels a little good, gotta admit.

[mcc503764]

I think fb staling is semi masochistic?  I've never felt the need to look at my x's page... . why would I?  Can I control what she is doing in her life now?

I try and not worry about the things that I cannot control.  I guess that's my form of acceptance?

Chances are, if you fb stalk your x, youre not going to like what you see.  I've eliminated this from my life so I wouldn't even have the mere thought, in a weak moment, to go there