BPD and substance abuse

[Depression = 72% of members]

My BPDex - we were together for almost a year -- he had a HORRIBLE drinking problem.  Even before I started to recognize other traits that were worrisome and were the bread crumbs leading to what I know now to be BPD -- I watched as he would stay up late at night, while I slept, and he would drink. Excessively.  While he drank every day, he did not get drunk (That I could see) every night, but it was A LOT.  And it was scary.  he would look like a broken puppet.  he had also been diagnosed with PTSD, after the accidental death of his beloved younger sister, and one night got totally drunk -- and then laid her autopsy report over my sleeping body.  i was in shock. 

I suppose my question to the boards is - how many of you dealt with BPD SOs that were also addicts? I find it interesting that it seems they go together, but Al Anon does not really talk about mental disorders like BPD or NPD when they talk about alcoholics, but so many are.  We (myself and his family and his closest friends) did an intervention on my ex that failed, although he eventually relented to go for a "one-week evaluation", and then covered up the facility's recommendations for him.  (He clearly had something to hide but he pronounced that he had patient privacy rights).  So his parents and I were left with no new information after that week. 

Towards the end I could really start recognizing patterns (and take it less personally).  And he usually raged at me after he had been drinking quite a lot.  He also raged at me when he could not get what he wanted sexually.  Delayed gratification was not his thing.   I personally believe he was also a sex addict - more than anything because he had an inability to delay gratification and could not handle intimacy. 

my ex -- in my humble opinion ,  and i got the brunt of the behavior as i was closest to him -- suffered from many things -- I am certain he was BPD (Although undiagnosed to our knowledge) but he was undoubtedly suffering from severe alcoholism.  One therapist said,we just cannot know about his BPD until he stops drinking... . thanks for listening.

Best,

Granum

[Granum]

My BPDex - we were together for almost a year -- he had a HORRIBLE drinking problem.  Even before I started to recognize other traits that were worrisome and were the bread crumbs leading to what I know now to be BPD -- I watched as he would stay up late at night, while I slept, and he would drink. Excessively.  While he drank every day, he did not get drunk (That I could see) every night, but it was A LOT.  And it was scary.  he would look like a broken puppet.  he had also been diagnosed with PTSD, after the accidental death of his beloved younger sister, and one night got totally drunk -- and then laid her autopsy report over my sleeping body.  i was in shock. 

I suppose my question to the boards is - how many of you dealt with BPD SOs that were also addicts? I find it interesting that it seems they go together, but Al Anon does not really talk about mental disorders like BPD or NPD when they talk about alcoholics, but so many are.  We (myself and his family and his closest friends) did an intervention on my ex that failed, although he eventually relented to go for a "one-week evaluation", and then covered up the facility's recommendations for him.  (He clearly had something to hide but he pronounced that he had patient privacy rights).  So his parents and I were left with no new information after that week. 

Towards the end I could really start recognizing patterns (and take it less personally).  And he usually raged at me after he had been drinking quite a lot.  He also raged at me when he could not get what he wanted sexually.  Delayed gratification was not his thing.   I personally believe he was also a sex addict - more than anything because he had an inability to delay gratification and could not handle intimacy. 

my ex -- in my humble opinion ,  and i got the brunt of the behavior as i was closest to him -- suffered from many things -- I am certain he was BPD (Although undiagnosed to our knowledge) but he was undoubtedly suffering from severe alcoholism.  One therapist said,we just cannot know about his BPD until he stops drinking... . thanks for listening.

Best,

Granum

[Lady31]

Yes.  Mine smokes pot daily, & have recently found out that he was doing pain pills at the very least off and on through out our marriage.

[ComoLu]

My uxBPDH was a borderline alcoholic when I met him when he was 19.  Alcoholism runs rampant in the males on both sides of his family.  I can't drink.  I am severely allergic to all types of booze.  When we were together, his drinking was controlled probably because he mirrored me.  He had never done well when we were apart.  After he took a job in a different state in late 2007, and only came home about one week a month, he apparently started drinking to cope with his loneliness and guilt (serial cheater).  When I saw his financial documents during our divorce discovery, I saw that he was spending hundreds of dollars a month on alcohol.  I don't know how bad his habit is now, but he is also diabetic.  He has become extremely paranoid and irrational.  I don't know how he continues to work.  Since he also drives after he has been drinking on top of everything else, I don't know how much longer he will live.  He seems bound and determined to commit indirect suicide.

[Octoberfest]

Yeah, my dBPDexgf drank... . I wouldn't call her a drunk, but she definately drank more than "normal"... . probably 3-4 nights a week.  We even had a period where we decided to not drink for 4-5 weeks.  She ended up doing so several times.  "It's only a glass of wine or two".

She also used to (and did once or twice while I was with her) snort hydros to get high.



Escaping the pain.

[delgato]

... . and then laid her autopsy report over my sleeping body.  i was in shock.

Granum, that is truly sick. I'm sorry to hear that happened to you.


Yes, mine was a hardcore alcoholic (& last I knew, still is). I had never seen somebody put down that much alcohol, male or female. And the creepy thing is, she didn't appear to be as drunk as one would think a person would be.

Lots of pot smoking. Some pain pills, when she could get them. Apparently also had a coke problem (but quit) prior to meeting her.

Lots of people go thru phases in their life with things (including myself), but tend to stop or at least cut back a lot by a certain age range. Not her.


Years ago I also had a male friend whom I suspect is at least BPD (sensing a trend in my past, heh). He was the same way, with the drinking & especially the harder drugs. Last I knew, he was still doing them (coke, crack & weed). Married, with kids -- and waaaay too old to still be drugging.


It's one way how they "cope." But in reality, only makes things a lot worse. It's a shame.


And yes, those with BPD have a pretty high rate of long-term substance abuse.

[understated]

My exbf was a regular pot smoker. I didn't realise how much until near the end of the relationship. Pretty naive of me I suppose, but I didn't realise someone was capable of working such long hours and smoking so much pot.

[Tordesillas]

The way I like to put it was that my ex had a "bad relationship" with substances and alcohol.  

It's not that she HAD to drink or use everyday, although there were times when she did.  

And it's not like she always got drunk/high when she did.  

It's that she would almost ALWAYS drink/use as a coping mechanism.  And it would ALWAYS change her personality substantially for the worse.  She was SOO much worse to deal with.  I hated it.  

She recognizes she has addictive tendencies and has even considered rehab.  After she got a DUI she sobered up a bit.  But as the memory of that started to fade, the behavior returned.

I think in many ways the substance/alcohol problem distracts from the core issue of her mental disorder.  It became a lightning rod.  We would be talking about THAT instead of getting deeper to why it's a problem in the first place.

[Granum]

Thx to everyone for sharing their experiences.  While it seems clear to me that in the relationship between BPD to (name your addictive substance) , -- (in my ex's case it was alcohol) --, it seems just not discussed that much when it comes to a given BPD's behavior.  it certainly does not seem so in AA or Al-Anon circles; people do not discuss mental disorder yet it is so prevalent.  In my ex's case one was simply a subset of the other; and only encouraged a further downward spiral.   I do know in my r/s with my ex, the alcohol made him SO much worse.  He tended to drink steadily through the day, - starting in the morning -- and largely tried to hide that --- but the middle of the night stuff was just plain SCARY.  Once he was done with his drinking binge, he'd crawl into bed around 6 am,and sometimes it was like having Mr. Hyde the demon crawl into bed with you.  Other times he would come upstairs in the middle of his drinking binge, I would pretend I was asleep so he would not try and engage me, but he would talk in a small voice, whispering in my ear a lot of either "i love you's" or ""we" need to get rid of this girl" or other non-sensical things.  it felt like a hissing demonic snake whispering stuff in my ear.  I would pretend sleep.   i would wonder - this stuff is clearly sick -- but is it a cry for help? other forms of acting out?  i once heard it described that an addict has an "addict" voice inside and then one's authentic self.  This felt like the addict/snake's voice on blast.  It was not every night, but many many nights were like this.  And I was shaking the tree A LOT for him to seek help.  I put it mainly in context of the drinking but I also knew he suffered severely from a personality disorder - I firmly believe BPD.  He meets almost ALL the criteria.  He also hid when he ate, hinting at an eating disorder, and at least at times, had what I believe to be self-inflicted cuts on his face. 

It has been about a month since I left him --- something just switched off in me, which is interesting as it took me a year to get to a place to REALLY leave.  which is also interesting considering the behavior I was enduring.  It is like the "fog" just lifted, and I saw him for what he was, and he was not interested in changing.  And, as opposed to when my attraction for him kept me there so long, I was feeling overwhelmingly repelled by him.  With his refusal to get help/seek help - I thought, what am I doing? why stay? while we certainly had our good times over the past year, I simply could not be around his crazy-making behaviors anymore.  I was visiting him and helping him get set up in his new beach town job, and could see the writing on the wall.  He was 34 and for the summer he was going to be living and working in a college like/spring break atmosphere.  He was already acting like a guy 10-15 years younger than he is.  And those were the moments I found the most repugnant.  And during the week he raged at me twice, over NOTHING.  And then - to my relief --- I just switched to "off".  And left for home.  His apologies meant nothing, and were usually about him anyway.  I had just reached my limit and knew I deserved better.  Without his seeking any kind of recovery, I knew we had no chance.  There was no point in sticking around.  Why it happened then - as god knows there were worse episodes -- I don't know, I just had had my fill.

But clearly I still have the need to process all the behavior and what I was really dealing with all year.  Judging from these boards, this seems normal and (I hope) healthy.  the moment I start missing the companionship, I then just have to resurrect a memory of just one of his times when he acted out at me -- (how to choose? there were SO many moments).  I do not pine for him, but I will admit to wondering if he has simply moved on, or what he is doing.  I did love him for the first several months, and when I first met him, I thought he was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen, and he was tailor made for me.  He was active with scuba diving (as I have been), a former Olympic calibre rower, tall and slim, and seemed so confident, and a true southern gentleman. (I am also from the south).  An easy smile, fun sense of humor.  We had both traveled the world.  We connected immediately, and were inseparable from the night on. He seemed tailor made for me. But within the first week, there were warning signs that I ignored.  A stupid fight he started that could have been easily avoided.  And certainly in the first month together, I became confronted with the fact that he was indeed troubled.  But I stayed anyway.  He told me he loved me within first 3 weeks (despite going through a break-up only 3 mths before, a woman he had also "loved" but who had since blocked him from contacting her.  that r/s was also a year). 

I keep wondering if I am currently in denial over my feelings over losing him and the r/s.  But I have shed no tears this time, and again, while i admittedly wonder if he has simply moved on (I have not heard from him at all - even via email or text for almost two weeks, which is very unusual for him) -- I am prepared to keep working on my own recovery, and ensure I never choose a troubled partner again.  To promise myself - if I make a romantic choice to really look and listen to those red flags.  And maybe tread carefully next time.  While it seems incredibly romantic to just "jump" in, you never know what stew you are jumping into if you do that!  I feel ready to tread with caution.  And hope.

Thk again for listening

Granum

[Findingmysong723]

My Undiagnosed Borderline Ex was  recovering alcoholic and did drugs in his past as well. However, drinking became his main way to cope. So, some of the behavior I thought was from him trying to learn how to deal with stress without alcohol and drugs, but I think it was more. His father was also an alcoholic and he grew up with him like that, he was abusive to his Mom and his older sibling. Impulsivity and Anger are actions of Borderline and of someone who is addicted or dealing or also recovering from it. So, it's hard to tell. By the end of our relationship my Ex had been sober for 2 years, I had started to date him 6 months into second recovery he had relapsed 6 months prior. So, I started a relationship with someone who was dealing with some hard issues, however he was working on them at the time but stopped.

I guess if he ever goes into treatment, since he is now sober for 2 years they might be able to find out if he is Borderline or not. I hope he gets that help one day, because there is definitely something wrong!

[Bananas]

Mine didn't drink around me but he did tell me that he was drunk every day when he was married.  While he was with me his substance of choice was prescription pain killers.  Ate them like candy.     

[Tordesillas]

Mine didn't drink around me but he did tell me that he was drunk every day when he was married.  While he was with me his substance of choice was prescription pain killers.  Ate them like candy.     

Ya... . mine loved painkillers too.  And Xanax... . which I later learned is kind of like kryptonite for people with BPD.  All I'd have to do is hear her speak and I could tell she was on it.  It had such a profound effect on her it was ridiculous. 

[seeking balance]

The DSM-IV criteria actually refers to this behavior in diagnosing.

impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).

pwBPD are emotional, extremely emotional.  Alcohol or drugs by their design numb emotions.  In treating BPD, many times they are initially diagnosed as an addict and it is only once the addiction is treated and under control the behaviors become even more extreme because one of the coping tools is no longer there to soothe.

[Bananas]

The DSM-IV criteria actually refers to this behavior in diagnosing.

impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).

pwBPD are emotional, extremely emotional.  Alcohol or drugs by their design numb emotions.  In treating BPD, many times they are initially diagnosed as an addict and it is only once the addiction is treated and under control the behaviors become even more extreme because one of the coping tools is no longer there to soothe.

Yes mine was also addicted to online gambling, would gamble every day hundreds of dollars.  Also according to a mutual friend had slept with 100+ women. 

[mcc503764]

I'm sorry that anyone has to go through this!  But remember, just because you are angry and doing things out of character, doesn't mean that youre BPD.  We all act like that at times... . we all have "traits" of every "disorder" in the dsm, so that "concept" / "label" shouldn't hold much weight in your mind!

Having said that, you're PISSED, HURT, and SHAMED that you allowed yourself to be treated like this!  Trust me, I think it's safe to say that we've all been there. Just because you're angry and perhaps acting out of character, doesn't make you a "BPD."  Do yourself a favor and quit blaming YOURSELF!

We are all human.  we long for "connection," and "love."  It HURTS when someone else steps all over us and takes us for granted.  We blame ourselves and fall into the mindset that we are not good enough!

It's easy to get caught up with the whole "what's wrong with them" mentality, but until you can objectively look at YOURSELF and find out the reasons why YOU (myself included here) tolerated their behavior in the first place?  I hope that makes sense as I am trying to be both compassionate of your pain yet make a point here at the same time.

Not only does my x meet all of the "criteria" in the DSM, (honestly any idiot can make that determination if they have had an interpersonal r/s with someone like this,) but she still has the same patterns of behavior.  Same games, just different players I guess.

Do yourself a favor and bow out of the dance.  Go complete NC and gain your sanity back.  Rediscover yourself and use the PAIN that your x gave you as a fuel to push you towards who YOU want/need to be in YOUR life!

Hope that helps

MCC

[numbr3]

My x was always addicted to something.  Once I "cracked down" on the abuse (coke, pot, alcohol) he would just go into hiding about his behavior.  He would quit the coke but then just smoke pot.  When he stopped pot the alcohol replaced it.  He could "quit" for long periods of time but then always went back to it.  He admitted he was an alcoholic but he said he could control it!  Codependent that I am, I hauled him to AA, drug rehab, therapists but he would not take any responsibility for any behavior.  After the divorce I found out he was also a sex addict.  I think that really fueled the entire dysfunction and he needed the substance abuse to cope with the guilt.   As we say in recovery- I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't change it.  And now I am free.

I attend COSA and hear a lot of what sounds like BPD.  I just know for me I could not continue the relationship of denial and be healthy myself.

[asher2]

My ex liked to smoke weed whenever she had the chance. Prior to meeting me, I'm fairly certain she abused prescription medicine and she also told me about cocaine use.

When I talked to my T about this after we broke up, she had a great reply. She said, "When you don't feel very good about yourself, using drugs can make all that pain go away for awhile." Up until she said that, I kind of looked down on my ex for that part of her life. But when my T said that, it put it in a different perspective for me.

[atcrossroads]

Ditto what everyone else here said.  My uBPDh used drugs as a way to cope.  He was a daily pot smoker for our entire relationship (10+ years), and it just escalated toward the end.  I, too, was naive and thought for years well, he has a job and acts "normal" (he never appeared to be "stoned" and actually functioned well on it).  I was naive about the money too - he spent, I believe, 5-600 dollars a months on marijuana!  Ridiculous.  He also drank (not so much but this escalated too in last year or so before I left) and had been big into coke before he and I met (told me it was one of the factors in his previous long-term relationship's demise). 

All in all, it was one of my dealbreakers - as wonderful as he could be, I finally acknowledged that I didn't want to be married to someone who would at times be cruelly mean to me and justify it as fine or my fault or to someone who was a pothead in his forties.  It's just not what I wanted in life.

He told me many times he would NEVER ever quit the pot.  So, there ya go.  I had to quit him.   

[GlennT]

Seriously, I could'nt even understand what that woman was saying most of the time, she slurred her words so badly. But while she was at work, she had an electronic voice, and each word she spoke was very clear,  concise, and without emotion. She could'nt keep the act up long though, and was eventually fired, err, she said she quit.

[feelingcrazy7832]

I had posted this question some time ago and yes, they go hand in hand. My ex was severely addicted to Vicodin, Xanax and Adderall. He was a raging, red hot mess. Addicted to Oxy in the past. Abused cocaine and alcohol. Went to rehab. Stayed clean for maybe three months at best and then went into a cycle of relapsing every few months, then weeks, then who knows, probably just days at the end.

He also had a major problem with gambling before I met him. Who knows, it could have been going on without me knowing at the end. All I know is that it's bad enough to deal with addiction and you top it off with a personality disorder and it's sheer madness. I took it for three years. I should have left when serious red flags went up after less than a year.

In rehab, they told him he had OCPD, put him on an antidepressant and that made him completely manic. His mother is bipolar. He has major addiction genes on both sides of his family. He's a red hot mess. I like you, finally got to the point where I feel nothing but disgust for him. I'm no longer attracted to him, long for him, etc. I just truly am disgusted by him.

[Granum]

It is sad isn't it.  Even if he finally relented and got to rehab, it is simply pulling the covers off and he would prob find another way to self-soothe.  i know that it is the few that go through rehab/recovery and stick with it.  i bet the numbers are far fewer for those that have BPD underneath all that addiction.  you are right - it was sheer madness.

[stop2think]

  Granum,

Mine was a long distance r/s, and i'm pretty sure this was more in the phase where he feared abandonment, felt lonely or was depressed - that he consumed alcohol excessively. He was a smoker as well - like a pack of 10 in 2 days (was a chain smoker before). This surely played a role in his anger and frustration.

But he would tell me that there were days he would abstain from drinking, and wanted to go dry for a month to cleanse his system. Never did it though... . but i guess he knew knows that alcohol is driving him crazy and also affecting his body as he always mentioned he would quit drinking pretty soon. Not sure if he has now, or after he broke up with me - considering he will be married by this month to someone new and i am sure she has no clue how much he drink or if he has consciously reduced so he can keep her happy.

I am yet to research on 'alcoholism' but my exbf would drink almost everyday. Most times over his capacity. Unless we were in a club partying, he would abstain from binging on liquor, however it was always when we returned to his place. But i related this because of his lifestyle and weather in London that makes one want to drink and keep warm.

[AllyCat7]

Pretty much all people with BPD or other extreme forms of child dependency issues also suffer from addictions. The disorders run on a continuum and addictions are at the lower end. You also have ADD and OCD near there. The personality disorders are at the extreme end. But basically, once you're dealing with someone with one of the extreme personality disorders, that implies that they have the other stuff going on, too. I read that in a book on child dependency needs. And btw if it's not alcohol or drug addiction, it could be something else (work, religion, gaming, shopping... . basically anything external to self-soothe). So just because someone doesn't have a drug addiction that doesn't mean they are not an addict.