I'm a mess right now, need some advice

[NeedingPeace]

I have been struggling with years to work out a reasonable relationship with my BPD mom, but it never works. No matter what line I draw, she will cross it.  I go no contact for a while, then end up talking to her again. We try limited contact, things go ok for a while, then bam! we're back to square one or worse.

She's an alcoholic, and had years and years when I was younger of taking "drug overdoses" that were enough to get her into the hospital but not enough to kill her - by design I am sure.  only the first time was her life in danger.  To my knowledge, she hadn't taken one of these overdoses for over 7 years.

Monday night I let myself get triggered by her during a phone call when she was trying to get me involved in a nasty battle between herself and her brothers over my deceased grandmother's estate. The long and the short of it was that I allowed myself to get very angry at her for not respecting my boundaries, and a whole lot of other stuff got brought up (especially when she started on her "poor me, I just try to be a good mom to you" routine).  I brought up her history of drug overdoses, she denied these ever happening (there were several dozen). Then she started saying that the only reason she drank was because she was "tortured" and "sodomized" by my father when they were married.  This isn't the first time she's come up with an insanely outrageous lie - she once lied about having cancer - and I just hung up the phone.

Well then yesterday morning I get a series of emails, all in CAPS, about how horrible I am and that she is going to publish her life story about how horrible my father treated her because "women need to know".  Then threatens to sue me for access to my children (there is grandparent's rights legislation where I live).  By the afternoon she had switched to teary voicemails about how much she loves me, how sad she is that "you love your dad more than me", and culminating in two messages, left in a weird "sing song" voice, both of which are over two minutes in duration and essentially say that she is going to kill herself that night.  I believe "Goodbye for now, no - goodbye forever" was one of the lines.  I just rolled my eyes.

Naturally, today I get another email with yet another story and a plea to see her grandkids. No mention of last night's behaviour.

She has never been diagnosed b/c the doctors only here her skewed version of events. They don't hear about the crazy behaviour, the overdoses etc. Just her depression b/c her children are so awful and she is lonely.

I don't know what to do. I think she ought to be committed. Please don't think I am an awful person, but if she had killed herself I would have been relieved.

[Santa Clara]

I am sorry this is happening to you.

If I were you I would not answer her calls or even read her emails for a while if possible (set up a system so you don't need to). 

I would also recommend a therapist if you don't already have one.

I would say it is most important to protect yourself.

xx

[Drained Daughter]

I think she ought to be committed. Please don't think I am an awful person, but if she had killed herself I would have been relieved.

First, never feel bad about saying something like this here, you are definitely among people who understand.  I think I say this too my husband at least twice a day about my BPD mom.  

My mom has a major history of addiction and manipulative, spiteful suicide attempts (including slitting her throat after leaving a voicemail for my sister saying it was her fault).   I have repeatedly toyed with the idea of sending my mom a fentanyl laced birthday cake (several of her nearly fatal ODs were on phentanyl)!  It would be the perfect crime!  

Second, I relate to so many of the things you are going through, except I don't have my own children to protect.  

I'm going to second Santa Clara a bit.  If I were you, I'd stop responding to her and go NC for awhile again.  Also, as a general policy I don't listen to VMs from her when I suspect she is riled up (I have my husband check them and give me the basic gist of how delusional she is).  My sis has a firm policy of NEVER listening to any voicemails from her.

Sometimes, I find that if I'm still reading her emails and listening to VMs, I'm just filling my time with her drama (even if I'm not actually talking to her).  I would delete any emails without reading them.  Or if you'd prefer send her an email first telling her you need some space and won't be responding to emails or voicemails for awhile because her behavior has been too heated.  I think it is important to set a boundary here that you will not engage in a relationship with her when she is acting this way (assuming that is how you really feel).

Remember though that setting the boundary (i.e. telling her what you will or won't do) will NOT mean that she won't test the boundary every way she can think of.  It is your job to ENFORCE the boundary by not letting her drag you back in through terrorist tactics.  

It took me awhile to get the hang of this part.  It was so hard to tell my mom "no," that I felt finally saying that to her should have automatically created the boundary.  But if our moms were able to just respect a boundary merely because we told them that their behavior was hurting us, they wouldn't have BPD!

Good luck with this tough situation.    

Ps. if you think she is actively suicidal (or are just sick of her threatening) my advice is tell her you are going to call 911 and then do it.  Or tell her that is too emotionally damaging to hear and that you are hanging up the phone (then do so).  This stopped my mom from making constant suicide threats to me on the phone because a) it didn't get her the attention she wanted and 2) it embarrassed her to have the police involved.

[Clearmind]

Its important not to place yourself in the middle:

Mom: “NeedingPeace, those brothers are a real peace of work. They hate me and are trying to destroy me. Its terrible, I don’t know what to do. I hate them so much – I will destroy them. They always blame me”

NeedingPeace: “Sorry to hear that Mom it sounds terrible. I’m sure you will sort through it - you are very capable. I need to go cook the kid’s dinner now. I will talk to you soon”.

Mom: “I only drank because your father tortured me”.

NeedingPeace: “I really do have to go now” – hang up.

Mom: “NEEDING PEACE, YOU ARE HORRIBLE TO ME. YOU ALWAYS HANG UP AND DON’T LISTEN. HOW COULD YOU DO THAT. I WILL SUE YOU IF YOU DON’T LET ME HAVE ACCESS TO THE KIDS. ITS SO UNFAIR.

NeedingPeace: silence – don’t react or bite back

Mom: "Goodbye for now, no - goodbye forever"

NeedingPeace: silence – don’t react or bite back

My friend, Mom is reactive, she will bust boundaries – that’s inevitable.

If Mom still drinks: don’t talk on the phone - hang up

If Mom gets into circular arguments: don’t engage, remove yourself

If Mom sends abusive emails: Don’t reply – dont reward bad behaviour. Borderlines blame and accuse to relieve themselves of their own tortured thoughts – don’t allow yourself to be the scapegoat.

hit______

The one thing that is hard to scrapple is our guilt for setting boundaries and sticking with them – we can overcome the guilt.

hit______

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

[lanaharvey]

It took a long time for me to understand how to deal with my BPD mother, perhaps sharing some of my findings may help? At least writing them down helps me feel a little better.

First, forget logic. Your mother's responses are completely fueled by emotion. She feels an emotion and her brain either conjures up a ridiculous scenario that fits the severity of the emotion she's feeling that she feels completely justified in believing OR having you believe or both.

When my mother felt abandoned by me at age 16 for being busy with honors classes, a full-time job, and extra curriculars, she FELT COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED in telling my principal that I was a drug addict that needed an intervention -- an accusation that no logic, tears, or facts could disprove for her.

It takes awhile, but eventually wild stories won't even provoke you. You'll just automatically spout off,  "I understand that you feel extremely (sad, abandoned, violated, angry). That feeling will pass. I have to go now. *CLICK*"

I was incredibly attached to my mother and when I started to put up boundaries it was incredibly heartbreaking for both of us. You have to get to the point where you value your own happiness and life enough to make them.

I couldn't do it until I understood that a borderline mother will NEVER:

-Understand she has a disorder

-Be able to admit wrongdoing or recall times when she was less than perfect

(-unless her fear of abandonment takes over, I've gotten countless "I've been a terrible mother" sobbing voicemails after setting a boundary)

-Differentiate between what she's feeling and what actually happened

ALSO my mom and her sisters totally do that weird sing-song voice. What is with that? And guilting over loving my dad more was a constant thing.

Here's the good news: You CAN train your mom to respect boundaries on your terms. My mom was as bad as yours. Now I can call her up and ask for recipies, I have her unblocked on Facebook, and we occasionally have successful chats. It's possible!

I just:

-Never need anything from her (she will use it for leverage or guilt trip about it)

-Block, Hang up, Delete, when ANY negative criticism or lies happen LITERALLY mid phone call if necessary

I had to get to the point where I didn't care if she died or never talked to me again to start FIRMLY enforcing boundaries and once she stopped having an audience and realized that I absolutely would not indulge any bullhit she stopped doing it because the BPD mom is needy above all else. She will eventually (after realizing that her crazy voicemails and emails aren't getting attention) accept your love on your terms as an alternative to no love. I can't count how many times I've said "Mom, I love you, I'm not abandoning you, I just will not listen to you yell at me. *click*"  She hasn't yelled at me (via any form of commuication) in 3 years now!

Be a brick wall of sanity and no bullhit! It may make you feel terribly guilty and heartless at first but it's not worth the turmoil of being dragged into her emotional rollercoaster!

[NeedingPeace]

Thanks for all the advice.  I have been blocking calls, screening emails, etc for a couple of weeks now.  Was starting to relax a bit, even started to feel happy again today.  Then tonight i got a phone call from my mother's neighbour.  UBPD mom was wandering around in a nightgown, drunk and hysterical and apparently suicidal.  Could hear the shock and disapproval through the phone when I said I wouldn't come but would send police and the mental health crisis team. 

So no idea if she is home or in hospital.  Feeling very sad for her.  What a horrid lonely existence she leads, and she will never see that she has a serious disorder. But i cannot get sucked back in.  I have only ever had brief periods of happiness before bad stuff comes crashing in.  I would like to finally break free of that cycle so that the good stuff stays longer.

[doubleAries]

NeedingPeace,

The boundaries are for YOU--not her. Of course she isn't going to respect your boundaries. She never has and isn't going to start now just because you said so! Boundaries are like fences or doors with locks. They protect your values (let's simplify and say the value here is being treated like an individual instead of a dumping ground for angst). Boundaries without values are useless.

So how do you make this happen?

Trying to get her to back off isn't going to work. In fact, the reason you want her to back off is because she's a person who won't back off, right? You can't control her behavior--only your own. You decide how much you will allow yourself to be exposed to behavior that offends your values. You don't defend yourself--you remove yourself.

Yes, she is likely to increase the pressure (this is called an "extinction burst" to get you to return to the familiar (yet dysfunctional) routine. But you don't have to if you don't want to