My daughter is scared of my uBPDh

[Mcgddss]

This is my last post on this board as I am moving to "staying or leaving."

My husband upset my daughter greatly tonight.

I was on my neighbors porch talking.  My daughter came over and I told her I would be a bit longer but as soon as I came back I would tuck her into bed.

About 15 minutes later she comes back in tears.

She got out of bed to see where I was.  She thought my uBPDh was up in our attic watching TV.  Instead, he was locking me out of the house.  He yelled at her for being out of bed and said go ahead and see her if you want.

I immediately returned.  We sat on the couch and she told me the whole story.  She said it was partly her fault because she got out of bed.  I told her that it was not her fault, she is a child and he is an adult and he shouldn't have upset her that way.

She then said that sometimes she is afraid of him.  I said that she shouldn't have to be, that he is sick (he has many other physical illnesses so she already knows this) and that we are working to get him better.

So the countdown is on.  If he is not better  by this time next year I will end our relationship.  I am committed to working the lessons for the next 12 months.

Thanks to everyone for all the great support!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[HardTruth]

Wow!  He yelled at her for getting out of bed?  And he was getting ready to lock you out of the house?  For what? Talking to the neighbors? 

[Mcgddss]

From what I understand about BPD:

I was socializing with someone else.

I wasn't spending all my time in our house.

Right now he has what comes across as a high jealousy level for me not being home.  Mind you, the main thing I do is go to work.  Before I knew about BPD I thought I was out of the house too much.  I was trying to start a PhD so that I could get a better job to support us.  I was out one night a week taking a class.  He said I was neglecting our family and I believed him. 

Now that I understand BPD I realize that it has to do with his perceptions.

I am bracing for a "rage" this weekend.  I am going to visit a friend an hour away.  He is highly jealous of her(I think because he doesn't have an equal friend and he sees how happy I am when I go see her - once every 3 months).  This is the first time I am worried for my daughter. 

I have my plan in place.  I will make sure I call her throughout the day and I am planning to have another friend call her as well.

Right now I feel like Alice in Wonderland with strange, unexpected things around every corner.

Thanks for your comments.  One of the best things about these boards for me is having other people reactions.  They remind me that his behaviours are upsetting - right now I am a bit numb to it all.

[HardTruth]

What do you think he would have done if your daughter hadn't gotten up and looked for you?  Would he have locked the door and not let you back in?  Would he make you spend the night outside, or would he have let you in only to rage at you?

My dad was verbally abusive and neglectful of us, but only physical violence once that I can remember.  My mom is asian, so even though she is a great mom, in her world, the man is the boss.  She towed whatever line my dad gave her, and adapted to all of his rules.  She would tell me she was standing up for herself, and for us, because she would argue with him.  But the bottom line was that  she didn't physically stray from his requirements.

I look back on that now and wish she would have taken a physical action, because all the words didn't amount to much after a while.  We were homeless, living out of a van and a shed while my dad raged at us if we complained about being cold or hungry.  She could have just left and taken us with her, because, like you, she was the sole supporter.  My dad had given up working, or was only just barely working at that time.  We didn't like living there, and didn't like him, but my mom said we had to stay because "he's your father", "he's doing his best", etc.

Anyways, even though my mom always looked out for us, put us first, etc. she didn't necessarily look out for herself.  She accepted poor over-the-top treatment from my dad.  I think I absorbed some of that also into my psyche, that I don't deserve more from men either.  It skewed my reality of what was acceptable treatment from others. 

Anyway, I really feel for you.  It's hard to be with a partner who changes so drastically over time, who has his own challenges where you don't want to hurt him or abandon him... .   This is just my story, which reminds me a little bit of yours.  I hope you find some support and help on these boards!

[Mcgddss]

Thanks so much for your input HardTruth.

I have to go away tomorrow, so I put a quick safety plan in place for her.  A friend will call tomorrow night and if my daughter says the safety word she is ready to come over and take the kids until I can get home.

I am sticking to my 12 month deadline - this time next June if he isn't better it is over.

My daughter and I have been having frank, age appropriate, discussions about his behavior being unacceptable.  She is really starting to dislike how he acts.  I think in part it has to do with her seeing other parents and knowing that he isn't the same.

Thanks again for your support.

[HardTruth]

That sounds like a good plan.  I hope you have a nice visit with your friend.  And your h calms down and takes good care of the kids while you're gone.  Your daughter sounds great

[Blazing Star]

 

You sound strong and empowered. And I love how connected you are to your daughter.

My Ds are younger, and I know how hard it can be, especially when we see fear in their eyes!

It sounds like you are dealing with it really well.

Love Blazing Star

This is my last post on this board as I am moving to "staying or leaving."

PS Just wanted to let you know it is still okay to post over here for help with the tools etc - which will be good to use while you are still in the relationship.

[Mcgddss]

Thanks Blazing Star.

I had to go out the other day so I set up a full safety plan for my daughter and knew that I needed to say something to my 5 year old son.

We talked about leaving the house.  He said it was a good idea because the angry parent wasn't the one you could talk with.

I am truly blessed.

Thanks for saying I sound strong and empowered.  I feel weak and powerless.

[Blazing Star]

Thanks for saying I sound strong and empowered.  I feel weak and powerless.

   

Ah I know this feeling, it's hard.

I also know that like a Mama Lion we can be strong and empowered when we need to be, even if we don't feel it.

Love Blazing Star

PS a book that really helped me to get in touch with my empowerment was "Women who run with the wolves", she is a beautiful Jungian storyteller.