How to deal with the "who has it worse" competition

[Cordelia]

This is kind of minor but I'm just finding myself annoyed at how my enDad (who I'm seeing has more and more in common with my uBPDmom!) refuses to offer any sympathy when I tell him I'm extremely uncomfortable being overdue with twins (a level of discomfort I've never experienced and wouldn't wish on anyone - even walking to the corner store is too painful for me to manage at this point) and instead brings up his own aches and pains and tries to say they're just as bad and in fact *I* should be feeling sorry for *him*.  He is just an incredibly selfish person who can't think about what someone else is going through for ten seconds without his ego being threatened.  I remember this so well with my mom too.  It was just impossible for her to ever give me any real attention, it always had to be about her. 

I know this is one of those things where I have to change my expectations, because they're not going to change their behavior, but OMG how selfish do you have to be to refuse to sympathize with your own child with something that is universally recognized to be a challenging situation.  I mean, I get more sympathy from random passers-by on the street about how I must be feeling than I get from my own parents. 

Thanks for letting me rant... .

[skinny13]

Cordelia, 

So sorry that your enDad didn't give you any support or empathy when you were telling him about the pain you're feeling right now. Sometimes it's even more disappointing when the en-parent fails to provide any support - we expect that from the BPD (although that is always hard too), but somehow it's even more of a betrayal when the en-parent can't muster up anything supportive to say/do. And it's especially hard when it is our parents, who are supposed to be the most supportive people of all for us!

Hang in there. 

Congratulations, by the way! I hope your little ones arrive soon!

[Pilate]

I'm sorry about your dad, Cordelia. I think you have the healthiest attitude possible. You know it's a warped competition, and you're not falling for his game. You know the issue is within your dad--nothing that you created or caused--and it's the hard part of adjusting the acceptance/expectations of someone who is so self-centered. It hurts. I hope you have others around you right now who don't have to play the "who has it worse" competition.

My MIL is a grand-master of the "who has it worse" competition, and I can get furious with her because she cannot (she is so limited/incapable/damaged) let her own son share parts of his life because she must "have it worse" than anyone. It is sad.

Your children will be so lucky to have parents who do not have to recreate such an awful competition. What a wonderful gift--one of many--that you will share and pass on to your children.


Pilate

[weird_lover_wilde]

Oh tell me about it!  My poor father lost his father earlier this week, and my BPD mother has been throwing fits at the attention he has been showing his mother (who just lost her partner of 65 years).  He's been going down twice a week to visit. 

The scales are permanently tipped for untreated BPD I think for a few reasons:

1. Whatever BPD feels is real (so your dad DOES FEEL that he suffering MORE, and he believes this)

2.  BPD is a bottomless well for attention and sympathy.  While we can take our sympathy and weigh it against our problems, etc.  BPD doesn't seem to allow my mother to do that.  She cannot be satiated for long.  Your dad seems the same.

3.  BPD doesn't allow for a  rich emotional history like we have:  we can look (somewhat) objectively at the past and be critical and compare.  But people with BPD seem to not be able to see this history with a big enough or critical enough lens, because their emotions get in the way.

Long story short: you can't win this battle over who is suffering more, and you can't look to the person with BPD to understand your suffering.  I don't think they are capable of doing so.  Even if you were to map out with a HUGE blackboard the degree to which your parent is being unreasonable, film it, and then MADE HIM WATCH THE FILM, it still wouldn't work. 

Measure your suffering with people who can sympathize with you.

Consider that people with BPD have a different suffering economy, typically fueled by their self-fulfilling prophesies.  The irony is that the more that my mother, with BPD, tries to out-suffer people, the more she probably *does* suffer in the end--but not for the reasons she expects.




I wish they would FOLLOW THROUGH WITH TREATMENT so they could learn not to cause themselves undue suffering that no one else understands!

[Pilate]

Consider that people with BPD have a different suffering economy, typically fueled by their self-fulfilling prophesies.  The irony is that the more that my mother, with BPD, tries to out-suffer people, the more she probably *does* suffer in the end--but not for the reasons she expects.

I think this is a vivid image, and the description of "suffering economy" is something that I can hold on to when I interact with people who use a very different emotional currency than I do. Thanks! 

Pilate