How to say no

[4givrnt4gtr]

I've been in this situation more times than I care to count.

I hate it.

My oldest sister is BPD/NPD. Unfortunately, she refuses to go therapy, and the one time she did talk to someone, was a church counselor without training in personality disorders (so he confabulated with her, telling her she was right and that all her problems were caused by our parents).

In any case, my family lives two hours away, She and I live within minutes of each other. I try to not spend too much time with her because all she talks about is how so and so is doing this horrible thing to her, and how she had this huge fight with so and so. And how x ethnicity is disgusting or something incredibly ignorant and offensive.

Whenever my mom invites us to come over, inevitably she wants to drive with me. I don't like it, but i often give in because I feel bad saying no. Today though, I really REALLY don't want to. It sounds petty, but the distress she causes with her conversations is really really high. On top of that, my father, whom she blows up at on a regular basis is going to be present (he usually isn't), so Im afraid she is going to disregulate, and start screaming. If that is the case, I want to have my own car, so I can get out of there.

I tried to make excuses as to why I couldn't go down in her car (such as oh Im not sure Im coming etc). She just wouldn't budge, saying she would wait until midnight if need be, so we could drive down together. I even said that perhaps I would be going down until tomorrow, and stay until Monday since I have no work (thinking surely, she would say she has to work on monday). She said that in that case she just would take the day off too  

I have no idea how to tell her that i DONT want to drive down together, Im afraid that if I tell her she will lose it (like she has before, threatening suicide etc). So I don't know... . any ideas how to deal with this?

[Pilate]

I'm not sure there is an easy answer to your question.

Although being firm about your needs is difficult, what are you willing to do to not drive with her? Can you use S.E.T. with her to address the drive together?

What would happen if you changed the pattern when she threatens suicide and stated, "I am scared that you are threatening suicide, and I am going to call 911 for a well check if you continue to threaten suicide"?

If you say, "I know you want to drive together, but that doesn't work for me this time. I am going to go by myself," and she doesn't like it . . . she doesn't like it, but it is still okay to state your needs. Is it okay to put your needs first rather than worrying about making your sister happy?

This might be a different and scary way of thinking, especially when your sister is likely to react negatively. It is unlikely that you can tell your sister that you don't want to drive together AND she will respond positively. However, is there something we can do to help support you that it's okay to do something that makes YOU happier even if it means that your sister isn't? Your comfort and happiness matter.

One of the things my T has worked on with me is that doing what is healthier and better for me does not always "feel" good, but I would rather do what is better for me and feel uncomfortable than to do what is NOT good for me--meet the needs of dh's mom and family--and feel awful.

Pilate

[GeekyGirl]

Pilate made some great points.  Your needs are just as important as your sister's (even if she doesn't see it that way), and SET is a good way to explain to your sister that you'd rather drive alone.

I like how Pilate's example is stated--it's to-the-point and reinforces your boundary. You could always add on to the Support and Empathy part of SET and say something like, "I know you like driving down together, and I know it's harder for you to drive down by yourself, but traveling together isn't going to work for me this time. I'm going to drive down by myself and we'll meet up at Mom's."

I agree too that any suicide talk needs to be taken seriously, even if you're sure that your sister is just looking for attention.