what does this sound like / am i wrong...

[raindancer]

What does this sound like to you? I know this is super long but please be patient.

For those who’ve read the thread, you’ll know what this is about.

We got a14-page handwritten letter from dBPDbf’s ex-gf, yesterday (delivered by mil, who said it was "important"– within 24 hrs of him telling ex-gf he would no longer have contact with her.

The letter starts by wishing him happy father’s day, and then second sentence says since he has made this choice of n/c, she no longer wants a r/s w/ their D. That she will not meet the Ts’ conditions on D’s guardianship. That she will not have the MH assessment and she will not attend T. That she will not have contact with D ever again and that it’s his fault if D kills herself next time.

It goes on for several pages to remind him of their r/s history – detailed descriptions of events and sexual encounters etc. Tells him he could have it back if he is willing to leave me and reconcile their family (him, her and D). Tells him she knows this is what his whole family wants (in very big letters, underlined twice).

The letter goes on for two pages of insults and degrading of me, and then starts blaming me for breaking up their family (they’d been separated long before I came into the picture). She goes on to say that D is acting out because of me.

She ends the letter by threatening a lawsuit for emotional damages if he will not meet with her to discuss all of this. And then asks if they can at least have private joint visits with D on a weekly basis. (He tried that once shortly after they split up, long before we got together; and she used the opportunity to try to initiate sex in a public park, after that he has not been around her in person unless someone else was there).

He read the first page – threw it across the table (not violently, actually he was kind of laughing) and went in the living room said if wanted to “read this garbage” I could. I did. He came back in the kitchen a while later, asked if I was done reading it and I said I was. He said he didn’t want to talk about what it said, ripped it to shreds and then took it out to the firepit and burned the shreds. He came back in the house, gave me a kiss and said he was going to bed.

This morning he gave me a kiss, said we’d talk about it when he gets home and went to work.

Tonight if he wants to talk about it, I will but I’m not going to bring it up unless he does first. I’m not hurt or upset or angry by what she said. I have no reason to be – none of what she said about me is true and I’m pretty secure in how him and I started being together, and no one will ever convince me I broke up their family.

To me this sounds like desperation, an extinction burst maybe, FOG… lots of things. I’m not worried about this – there have been times when I would have worried about this, but I’m not at this point. He has gone through periods where he has re-lived that time of his life  – these periods always coincide with him acting out, relapsing into alcohol and drug binges (they were addicts together – he’s now clean for the most part, she’s never stopped using). Contact with her always brings out the worst in him… But, lately he’s been pretty stable – I do know that can turn on a dime.

If we talk about any of it – it would be her saying D is doing all of this because of me. If anyone ever tells me this has been because of me – a T or her CPS workers – I’ll walk away if it will help her recovery. I’d never sleep again if I knew my presence was harming a child. Keep in mind, that I do feel partly responsible for D’s AS last week because I’ve been encouraging her to see her mom; and now all this has happened, and it came out that the reason for D’s AS last week was to do with things her mom has been saying to her lately.

Thing is –when SO's D is here, which hasn’t been very often up to now and not at all for the last 6 months, we do stuff together. She loves cooking so we cook these big feasts and make it into a 4-person party, she loves making things so we make things and I teach her how to sew and stuff. We buy old clothes at the second-hand shop and then re-make them into neat outfits – and she loves doing that because when she wears them to school she gets a lot of compliments from her friends.

We never talk about the other parts of her life unless she brings it up; and when she does, I listen and don’t say much back unless she asks me a direct question. I’ve encouraged her to visit with her mom and tell her the good memories I have of her mom (her and I were friends eons ago before she was w/ SO, but when they started using heavy drugs I backed away. Back then my kids were young and I didn’t want drugs around my kids so I only ever saw her and SO when it was a in a group thing like a wedding…) and I do have lots of good memories of back then of both her mom and SO. She likes hearing those stories about her parents, I didn’t think it was harmful but now I wonder…

My kids get along with her very well and like it when she comes to our family stuff. My kids are older now but my youngest D, who still lives with SO and I, loves having her here too.

I raised my kids different – we didn’t have much so we made the most of what we had, we never had trips or lots of electronics or anything like that. Mostly we did family stuff. Anyway, it’s far different from how she’s been raised – lots of trips, lots of toys and lots of stuff but no real stability. (My oldest D reminded me of this last night when she called to wish me happy father’s day, she always does because when they were young I was both – I was married but that’s a different story)

So, point is – I’m trying to foster a positive, stable r/s between my SO and his D. I’ve come to realise it may not happen with ex-gf in the picture.

This isn’t the first time ex-gf has done this. The last time she disappeared (when we hooked up) he was relieved she was gone and he was stable. When she came back in the picture a year ago he dysregulated and we’ve had a million problems since then. Now, all this has happened… and she’s saying she’s leaving again.

Is it really wrong of me to see ex-gf's departure as a good thing?  For my SO, for his D and for me…

Because, TBH, I'm kind of dancing on sunshine about her going... .

Should I tell him that?

[MaybeSo]

Wow. This sounds really painful and complicated.

Is it really wrong of me to see ex-gf's departure as a good thing?  For my SO, for his D and for me…

Because, TBH, I'm kind of dancing on sunshine about her going... .

Should I tell him that?

I read your post with interest, I don't know that much about your background so tried to get straight all the players... . but it sounds like you are involved with a man dxwBPD who has an ex, and they have a daughter together... . and daughter recently had a suicide attempt after speaking with her mom (his ex)?  And the ex is angry and bitter and  may be leaving the area again soon?   Sorry if I misunderstood any of the details... .

That she will not meet the Ts’ conditions on D’s guardianship. That she will not have the MH assessment and she will not attend T. That she will not have contact with D ever again and that it’s his fault if D kills herself next time.

I'm not exactly sure if these are bio parents or step parents or what... . but... . There is a lot of pain and drama and trauma going on with this family.  With all that is going on... . I was sort of surprised with your question.  Ah, I don't know if you should tell him you are happy his ex is leaving... . ? It's understandable that you see it as a blessing and that things may get calmer with her gone again... . so, that's your feelings, you can share them or keep them to yourself, they are neither wrong nor right. You would likely know him better and how he might respond hearing about your feelings. If he's fed up with his ex right now I suppose he'd take it okay?   But really, this certainly sounds like a very complex and weighty situation for him, the ex and of course for the daughter especially... .  ... . all three of them sound like they have very serious issues and symptoms from what you are describing (you can't fix this stuff!!   )... . he has BPD and the daughter is suicidal and mom is threatening to never see her child again... . agh!  what an awful, painful mess... .

Maybe just being quietly supportive and see what happens next would be the best bet right now?

[raindancer]

Hi MaybeSo - yes, it is a painful mess - has been for a while. Complicated.

Thank you for your words... . and for reminding me I can't fix this.

My own Ds have to remind me of this all the time - it's hard to fight my nature. They tell me they remember our home always being the place friends came to in times of trouble and I'd take them in... . also explains why I choose to go to school to be a human rights advocate, working with poor/marginalised groups... . including addicts and MH.

A job is one thing, but this one is too complex, too personal and draining. I can handle my SO (for the most part, but sometimes not) and D when she visits but all of it is too much.

One new development, which will lessen the stress on everyone I think. Ex-gf has sent word that she is signing custody over to mil and fil, and SO. She asks this be permanent, with no contact until D is old enough to be on her own. I understand her position - she cannot keep going on like this either. There are still ongoing issues w/ mil, but she goes for her assessments soon and I will not be surprised if they diagnose her BPD... . but that's a different story and that bridge we'll cross when it comes. It will explain a lot though.

SO is now at his T, regular visit. Good... . he says he is happy about ex-gf's decision.