BEHAVIORS: Triangulation

[BPDFamily.com]

Thank you so much, Skip, for taking the time to post this useful information.  I was a little confused as to what the term actually meant, and you have clarified it so nicely.

[Stjarna]

Thank you so much, Skip, for taking the time to post this useful information.  I was a little confused as to what the term actually meant, and you have clarified it so nicely.

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[drxap]

My exBPDgf had some very unhealthy triangulation patterns happening with her family while we were dating. It seemed like every time we were around her parents, one of them would get her alone and complain about how bad the other parents was. Both parents did this all the time and it drove me crazy! So inappropriate to bring the child in the middle of marital problems, because it makes the child feel at fault for problems out of their control.

Who would she have been without a f-ed up childhood?

[Turkish]

Ok, so I am still kind of confused. In Year 1, my uBPDx contacted her Ex bf as an emotional fallback when we started having problems (the hurtful thing is that she shared with me these conversations... . even him saying he was better looking than me by looking at my MS profile picture). I considered that her first act of cheating "lite". Regardless of my lack of boundaries standing up for myself then, was that my Ex triangulating with her exbf?

Skip's "fallback" lover is an exact summary of what happened now at the end in Year 6.

Did I triangulate in a passive way with our children, telling her it wasn't ok to go out clubbing and dating so much with a baby and a toddler at home? Using the kids as an excuse (though they didn't know it, and hopefully never will) to not face our r/s issues: which by her definition boiled down to: "I'm unhappy, you need to do something about it!"

[Skip]

If you got drunk, ran a red light, hit a school bus and the burned out carcass of your car landed in a no parking zone would you describe this event as a parking violation?

Technically, parking violation might be part of it, but to describe the above in those terms doesn't provide clarity to the reader - it miscommunicates.

I would describe your first incident as inappropriate contact with the ex boyfriend.  Was triangulation part of that - maybe, maybe not.  She may have just been flirting and reconnecting and signaling her possible availability.

[Turkish]

If you got drunk, ran a red light, hit a school bus and the burned out carcass of your car landed in a no parking zone would you describe this event as a parking violation?

Technically, parking violation might be part of it, but to describe the above in those terms doesn't provide clarity to the reader - it miscommunicates.

I would describe your first incident as inappropriate contact with the ex boyfriend.  Was triangulation part of that - maybe, maybe not.  She may have just been flirting and reconnecting and signaling her possible availability.

I get it. Call a spade a spade.

She was still madly in love with the first bf who cheated on, briefly recycled, and then left her, devastated. She was very honest with me about it in the beginning, which is why I took some responsibility for getting involved (though it was hard for me to deflect the BPD-like love attachment and desperation to have me around, even as a friend at first). Not until 2011 (Year 3), and the first kid, did I feel her completely detach from the Love of Her Life. I even found something she wrote to herself about it on our computer (with super idealization of me, joy at our family... . the replacements for her emptiness). Up to that point, she may have tried to get back with him if he had tried. I helped her move beyond him, in a way (and no, that wasn't my purpose, it drove me nuts from the beginning).

[Turkish]

I'm still trying to wrap my head around this. This example isn't specific for this board, but bear with me:

S4 told me tonight he didn't want to go back to Mommy's, that he wanted to stay with me. I asked him why and he said, "Mommy hit me." I asked why, and he replied, "because I was hitting D2." I see it as:

uBPDx=Persectutor ("Punitive" Parent in Transactional Analysis terminology)

S4=Victim (Child)

Me=Rescuer (Adult?)