Why did I let her do it again

[willtimeheal]

What I find most baffling is how normal they can seem.  It does make me feel at times like I am the one with the problem. I went to lunch today with my ex BPD. We talked about our relationship and whether to work on it. I will not lie. I really love her and want her back. She says she has made a mess of things. That this new boyfriend is moving here for her and took the pay cut to be close to her. She also doesn't want to hurt him. When I asked her if she loved him she said no.  She said maybe she could learn. I asked if that was fair to him. Briefs203point g with someone who was in love with someone else  She said she feels guilty. Also she is worried about what her family will say if she goes back with me. She doesn't want to deal with all their drama and fall out.  We had a nice conversation and then she kissed me an  held my hand.  She text me sweet things and tells me about the kids and I begin to feel that she will choose me. but then I will get a text out of the blue saying I am can't hurt him. So I don't know. Am I going to get hurt?  Am I being played?  Sometimes I feel like yes we are goin  to be together and happy but then I get that text of doubt followed by more happy texts. Is she just messing with me?  Or is she really struggling to?  Because if she can't really feel her emotions why does she feel so guilty about hurting this guy?  like I said sometimes I feel like I am the crazy one.

[laelle]

She needs a back up to feel stable either way.  You both give her something that she "needs".  What about you?  What do you need?  To be triangulated with another man?

Take yourself out of the competition... .

[flynavy]

willtimeheal... . just look at your site name!  Yes... . time WILL heal!  I know hard it is to accept that your ex DOES not think like you and I.  Nothing makes sense!  That is why rational people (like us) who have been with this disordered person hurt so bad... . because there is no rational reason why they do what they do!  My ex BPD/NPD fiance was my wife's nurse for 7 years.  My wife passed away from Ovarian Cancer.  Without getting into the details of my story, how could a nurse who totally understands what I have been through see me and another guy at the same time.  She was actually engaged to both of us for a short time.  She is back with him... . even after catching her red handed at my house at 12:30 AM... . albeit after I called off the wedding... . so why did I continue to have sexual rendezvous' with her even though I know how dangerous it could be.  Think about how disordered these people are... . she could do this to a man knowing the emotional trauma I just went through loosing the love of my life of 32 years!  Please see her for what she is... . a very sick, disordered person who will not and cannot be like you... . think like you... . love like you... . have compassion like you.  Do not beat yourself up over this... . I did... . it is not healthy!  Work out, be with family, rekindle an old passion for something you haven't done in awhile, get to know who You are and what makes you happy.  NC detachment is the only thing I have seen that works... . and time.  I miss my wife dearly... . but time has healed that wound.  Be your own best friend my man!  There are no easy answers... . getting to know who you are will really help with the process of healing.  Trust me... . it has worked for me!

[willtimeheal]

I am so tired. I am down 15 pounds. Ok I don't mind the weight loss but it is not healthy. I feel weak and tired. Two more days of work and then off for the summer. I want to just get away from everything. Goes out west and visit friends and travel. I hope that will take my mind off my BPD ex and put me back on the road to health. I want her back. I can't deny it. She looks at me and I melt. I continue to pray and read and I just need to get thru these two days.

[laelle]

That sounds like a fantastic idea... . getting away and visiting family and friends.  It really helped me alot.

I hope you do, and I hope you have a great time.

You will heal Will, and one morning you will wake up and the truth will smack you upside your head.  

It sounds painful but its wonderful.  

I dont want my ex back... . It has taken me three months to get to the point where I can says that... . but im saying it.

I will be alone and its ok.  When I heal and work through my issues, I will think about a long term relationship.  For now, I am enjoying the friendship of some

great people and learning to love me and my life... . free from (his) drama.

 Laelle

[Suzn]

Is this relationship a first love willtimeheal? If so they are the hardest and with a complication such as BPD it may seem like the worst. If this isn't a first love, think back to someone you were with prior, do you think about them everyday? Probably not, this will pass in the same fashion with time.

Right now you are allowing your life to be held on hold while someone else decides what to do with theirs. The goal is to have your own life independently to share with someone, not them BE your life or to direct where your life goes. Right now someone else is in the drivers seat in your car. Glad to hear you are taking a road trip and driving your own car!  

[flynavy]

Willtimeheal... . Clearmind is so right on when she said:

I would certainly question any mans motive if he was with another woman and texting me!   I do not ever wish to be a third wheel in any relationship! Do you? We don't need to know the ins and outs of BPD to know this is not the right behavior for a potential partner to possess.

Watch how a person acts and not what they say. If this girl is doing this to the guy she just moved in with she will do it to you (again) - in time!

My exBPD/NPD fiance was able to have two intimate relationships going on at the same time... . I also believe she always was nurturing a third just in case.  Even when I knew what she was doing, I continued to see her.  I allowed her to control my life... . for me she was filling a huge void left after my wife's passing.  I allowed her to utilize her physical attributes to control me. It wasn't until I really looked deep into myself, was I able to begin to detach from this toxic relationship.  My therapist asked me... . Who are you?... . I could not readily answer!  We are all so taken over by daily events in our lives that we begin to either loose sight of or loose connection with WHO we are. Not what we do... . like to do etc.  When I focused on ME... . It became obvious that what I was just in to head over heels was the farthest thing from what "who I am" wanted!

What I did:

-I surrounded myself amongst people who truly loved me and were there for me when I needed them most

-I worked out everyday... . sometimes twice a day... . nothing like natural endorphins brought on by exercise

-I played my guitar... . listened to music (mostly loud)

-I fly fished as much as I could when the weather broke... . it is truly my solace

-I talked to my wife... . yes... . she is still with me and is the reason I finally became aware of what I was doing and to stop

-I talked with my therapist about ME... . how and why I make decisions... . what drives my behaviors... . what is important to ME

-Total NC... . it is important... . you do not need any triggers that will drive you back towards the programmed path your ex manipulated you into believing was REAL!

-For me, my ex manipulated me with her youthful, cutsy good looks/voice, and the over the top sex.  Luckily for me, I was in a 32 year marriage... . so I know the difference between Intimacy and Intensity... . Once I was able get to know me again, and gradually de-program myself with the above activities... . I was able to SEE who she IS!

So... . people, places, things, activities that are YOU... . before your ordeal with this disorder!  You WILL heal with time. I am the type of guy who goes all in with everything I do... . I have always loved high intensity (Carrier pilot in the Navy says it all I guess) so when I was hurting after my wife died... . this beautiful woman who said everything I needed to hear and created a facade of intimacy with over the top sex... . I was all in... . just didn't realize what I was getting into. 

I was very angry at myself... . I am not a naive person... . but it was only when I took the time to look inside that the true healing process began.  I was no longer angry with her and certainly not myself!

Trust me... . things get better with time! 

Count your blessings!

I no longer look at what I lost but rather what I gained and learned as a result of this journey so far... .

[willtimeheal]

Suzn,

I have been in relationships before that I almost married the man.  But nothing like this.  The closeness and the level of love I felt and feel for her is something I have never felt. 

I do struggle with the "what if" because for the 4 years of our relationship it has been a "secret."  I cna't help but wonder if I was up front and honest with my family would things be different.  Granted, she was drinking before I met her and she needed to control those demons but I had demons of my own.  She was angry being the secret and I was angry keeping the secret.  Quite honestly I do feel that I took a lot of that anger out on her as well.  I am learning a lot in therapy and I continue to work on myself and I will continue to do so.  I have no idea what the future holds.  The chips are going to fall where they are going to fall.  It is out of my control but I can't help wonder "what if... . "

[willtimeheal]

This sucks and it is so unfair. How dare someone be able to screw with someone so deeply. I am a good person. I do the right things I have a good job I pay my bills I help people and I do not deserve this hit. So while I sit her struggling with my deep scars and cuts that were inflicted by my BPD she is able to go on with her life and figure out who she wants me or him. Either way for her it works out. what the heck?  That is messed up. She causes all this pain and hurt in my life and gets to go on with hers without even looking at the trial of destruction. And I don't care if they live in their own hell. I am so sick of hearing that. It's like an excuse. Go get some F'in help then. I am so sick of the excuses. So sick of them because their mental illness is causing me to have one and that is unacceptable.

[willtimeheal]

When does this feeling of pain ever end?

[laelle]

When does this feeling of pain ever end?

From your previous post I would say your doing a really good job of helping yourself to end your pain.  Detachment and Grieving are how we make the pain stop.

There is no way to avoid it other than to push through it.

Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck - Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

Us: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss

The Five Stages of Abandonment - Susan Anderson, MSW

[willtimeheal]

I feel like I am failing  miserably. She still texts me and tells me how much she loves me and wants to be with me. But in the next sentence she says she gave this new guy her word and when she tried to tell him last night she didn't have feelings for him he started to cry and she just couldn't. She says she hates herself and the mess she has made. She doesn't want to be with this guy but doesn't wan  to hurt him.

Ya know what... . too bad. Life is about choices. Make one!  If you don't love him at least have the balls to tell him so he can find someone who does. he deserves that. And when it comes to me. Make a choice. Cuz I am not goin  to sit here and allow her to hold my life in the balance anymore. Either tel him u don't love him an  let him go or let me go. Or guess what tomorrow I am letting you go.

What is wrong with me?  I do feel like she is making me crazy. I just want to move on with my life.

[willtimeheal]

I hate BPD. And I am so sick of how it has consumed my life for the last four years and it is still part of it. I hate it. I hate how my ex BPD make  me feel crazy and worthless. And I have read on these boards that it is hell for them but it is hell for me too. When do I stop crying?  When does the brick in my stomach go away?  When does my life go back to normal?  When?

[laelle]

I understand your emotionally tied into this relationship and your buried deep in FOG... .

Do you want to be in a relationship where that person can not be trusted?  Where that person lies to you?  How can she "love" you and someone else at the same time.

She is pulling what she needs out of both of you.  One minute she wants him for what he gives her, and the next she wants you for what you give her... .

You are questioning why she does or does not do things?  You are basing that on normal thought.  She does not think as you or I do.  She is disordered.

She can never be what you want her to be.

What is your definition of love?  Does your gf/exgf qualities fit your definition? 

Take the power back and block all contact.  It will hurt, it will suck... . but if you do... . that pain will end.

To allow her to continue to throw her madness on to you will keep you in pain FOREVER.

normal + crazy always equals crazy!

The only way you can win against a BPD is to take them out of your life.

You want to move on with your life?  MOVE ON!

You control when the madness ends, not her.

[willtimeheal]

I feel really empty and hollow.  I did give her all my power.  I played right into her hands again.  I trusted her.  I felt bad because she was hurting and she told me how much she loved me and I bought it. 

I think the thing that stung the most was the text I got that said she just couldn't tell him she didn't love him.  She just couldn't hurt him.  She said "hurting people made her feel like s**t."  And I thought about that because for the better part of 4 years she had no problem hurting me over and over and over again.  Did she ever feel bad about that?  Did she feel bad that she was hurting me right at this moment?  Was she even aware of it?  I told her that this was the most important decision she would make in her life.  That if she didn't love him and was staying with him out of guilt, he deserved to know that and deserved to be with someone who truly loves him.  And she needed to do what was best for her.  She needed to do what was going to make her happy. That she had to put aside everyones feeling and do what she wanted.  What was going to make her happy.  So I have decided that at the end of today if there is no decision-I am done dangling on the ledge-I will take myself out of the equation and wish her the best and move on with my life.  I will take my power back and be in the drivers seat of my own life once again. 

[morningagain]

I feel really empty and hollow.  I did give her all my power.  I played right into her hands again.  I trusted her.  I felt bad because she was hurting and she told me how much she loved me and I bought it. 

I think the thing that stung the most was the text I got that said she just couldn't tell him she didn't love him.  She just couldn't hurt him.  She said "hurting people made her feel like s**t."  And I thought about that because for the better part of 4 years she had no problem hurting me over and over and over again.  Did she ever feel bad about that?  Did she feel bad that she was hurting me right at this moment?  Was she even aware of it?  I told her that this was the most important decision she would make in her life.  That if she didn't love him and was staying with him out of guilt, he deserved to know that and deserved to be with someone who truly loves him.  And she needed to do what was best for her.  She needed to do what was going to make her happy. That she had to put aside everyones feeling and do what she wanted.  What was going to make her happy.  So I have decided that at the end of today if there is no decision-I am done dangling on the ledge-I will take myself out of the equation and wish her the best and move on with my life.  I will take my power back and be in the drivers seat of my own life once again. 

Hey willtimeheal,

For me, it has been closing in on 9 years, and since August I have been separated from my wife.  I am codep and I have an addictive personality.  The addiction to my wife is the most painful experience of my life.  I went through hellacious withdrawal (grieving) and finally the pain ebbed and I put my marriage to rest (as in rest in peace) the night of Jan 22nd.  I slept well and peacefully for the first time in years.  Then she called the morning of Jan 23rd wanting to reconcile.

Since then, I have been right back into depression, anxiety, and just to make things more painful and difficult for myself, drinking.

I love her, feel bad for her, and I know how I have demolished my life and my well being and my sanity trying to make her happy and my marriage work.

I am much better at giving advice than following it.  For your well being and for the well being of everyone else that you care for, detach and stay detached.  If your relationship is 10% as chaotic and destructive and painful as mine, no good will come of it for you or for her or for anyone you care about.  Presently, I am disordered (depression, anxiety, ptsd, insomnia, total lack of concentration so my work productivity is near zero) from the relationship and my life is an absolute disaster.  My children (from a previous marriage) do not trust me, for good reason, and only one speaks with me.  I lost my retirement accounts, filed bankruptcy and am still paying those payments, lost all of my possessions except a few clothes and my 180,000 mile car, and can barely keep up on my bills.  I have no peace of mind, just a constant stream of painful and vivid memories.  I have become unstable and hurtful.  It will take me a long time to rebuild some semblance of a life, and I can only hope that someday my children let me back in their lives.  That is, it will take a long time once I detach - right now i am still trying to shake the hook.

Take care my friend,

Jason

[willtimeheal]

Jason I am so sorry to hear all your pain. My bPD text me this morning and is coming by this afternoon to talk. I already know what she is going to say and I am prepared. I am shaky and scared and it takes everything I have not to burst out crying. But I need to get this over with and take my life back. what scares me the most is in the next few months when her life falls apart and she decides she made a.mistake and wants me back. That text scares me more then this afternoon. I don't know what is going to happen this afternoon but she already told me she can't tell this guy she doesn't love him so I believe I am safe to assume she is going to tell me she is done with me. I am scared and nervous. I just want it all to go away. At least after today I will have my life again. My power an  I will never give it away again.