5 love languages and counseling...

[coasterhusband]

I finally convinced my uBPDw to go to counseling (we've been twice before, before I'd learned about BPD, and it failed). I called around and found a few therapists who specialized in BPD and filled them in. I found 3 that I liked, then gave my wife the list and let her choose.

In the first session, the therapist suggested we read "The Five Love Languages". It's been VERY helpful in creating a way to talk about each other's approaches and mindsets. I really highly recommend this book!

That said, not all is solved, of course. Being a uBPDw, she still gets all pissy in the car on the way home after the session and talks constantly about how this is just so tough for her to go to, and how she's just doing it for me... . even though she regularly talks about the techniques we're learning and works to apply them to improving my behaviors.

The therapist also worked with us last time around on the "I understand... . " activity. One spouse listens to the other share their issue, then the other spouse tells the one spouse what they just said and asks "did I get that right"? If yes, great. If no, then repeat the process. Do this until the one spouse feels like the other gets there feelings.

I've been doing that exercise A LOT lately, but of course my uBPDw has yet to do it with me. (Why would she need to, right? She already knows everything I think/feel/believe, has no problems of her own, and needs us to not focus on me since we do that all the time... .   )

I need some help on a couple fronts related to this:

1. She wants the process to be: We work through the "understanding" exercise, I understand her version of the facts (which is to say, of course, the ONLY set of facts... . ), then we move forward based on solving the problem based on those facts. If I say "OK, wait, I've experienced a different set of facts", then she claims I'm just being defensive or changing the focus to me and away from her, or that it's not about facts but about her feelings (even though she treats and talks about them being the facts).

2. She can't ever say yes/no that I have understood. She instead says things like "I guess so" as her way of saying "yes". But really, I don't think there'll EVER be a "yes" from her... . I won't ever be able to show her I "understand" her feelings since if I do, she'll simply up-level and attach the "this situation sucks and shouldn't have to be this way". I can't ever understand if I'm supposed to be simply being there for her to listen and understand, or solve the problem she's all but told me is there and my task (or our task, on a good day) to solve, or comfort her in the larger up-level that this whole situation sucks?

3. When she gets into the mode of just saying the opposite of whatever I say, how do I shut down the back and forth (which necessarily causes escalation) without having her say "Oh you're just not interested in this process"... . ?

Anyone have any feedback on the points above? I feel like I'm living in a sitcom about horrible husbands and perfect wives. I'm nothing like the stereotypical, tuned out, belching male, but I'm being treated like one.

Anyway, thoughts are very, very welcomed!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[coasterhusband]

Anyone have any thoughts?

[Grey Kitty]

First, it is absolutely worth validating that you understand what she is thinking. But that doesn't mean you have to agree with it in order to validate it.

You can understand exactly what she is hallucinating but that doesn't mean that the tie-died purple flying elephants really ARE going to trample your car

One thought for you is to try this:

How to stop circular arguments

[Wrongturn1]

Hmmm... . well I read the Love Languages book and ended up feeling depressed b/c there was so much good, potentially helpful content that my uBPDw would never be able to accept or apply to our relationship. 

Time after time reading the book, I found myself thinking, "I could see how this could really help a couple where NEITHER person has BPD."  But just about every technique discussed in the book is predicated on both the husband and the wife being willing to admit they have problems that they need to address and being committed to do hard work to improve the relationship. 

If you find any specific techniques or tips from the book that work with your BPD spouse, please post them here b/c I would like to think again about trying them.

[bruceli]

Brought this up with DW... . what she got out of this was GREAT... . You need to speak my language when I want you too but I will not understand or even attempt to speak yours.  I believe her exact words were... . "Sucks to be be you"... .

[whatshappening]

I can only say that I too have a bookshelf of books with wonderful techniques for solving all our problems and the problems of every one else in the world if they would read and embrace them, something my uBPDw and yours apparently won't do. I am hoping my next therapist will confront the BPD or at least the anger management portion of my UBPDW's personality that is hurting me and the kids most. I have to believe someone with cojones could break through with some logic, especially about how this hurts kids and how she is hurting herself most, and how selfish it is to continue to treat everyone this way and insisting on some mediation of some sort.(anger management class to start)... . Perhaps leading to more later. I have had no luck with therapists who see things but are afraid to send her packing and try never to get her too aggravated, only to waste a lot of time and have her leave a little later anyway. Let me know if you figure it out, but in the mean time I guess you must learn how to deal with the behavior most effectively, which is seems you are trying to do. I mention meditation often, because I believe it really helps handle the stress generated from such a person, if you have to stick around for it.

Good luck.