Rages

[lonleyandlost1]

How do you get through to a person during a rage? A rage over the smallest things at that. I have found nothing that works. I just eventually go silent, and let my uBPDh unload his anget and go about my business. Which angers him even more since I refuseto engage him at all. This leads to longer raging. I've pretty much just stopped arguing and just stop speaking to him all together. He rages then says sorry and expects INSTANT forgivness. If you are not enthusiastic enough about his effort or accept that second it then becomes my fault, ansand I must want to fight. What can be done? Id rather just not talk to him and be on my own then get screamed at.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

With your absence. Seriously.

Once dysregulation happens, there is no constructive input or problem solving processes happening. It is pure or flight reaction

Rage is abuse, we do not need to stick around for abuse.

It is the basic bottom line boundary that needs implementing before you can work on anything else.

[zaqsert]

Hi Lonelyandlost1,

It can feel so terrible, draining, and demeaning to get raged at so much.

I second Waverider's wise words.  Take a look through the lessons (links at the right of this page).

My relatively new boundary of leaving the room whenever my uBPDw started raging at me did wonders.  It seemed counterintuitive at first.  I thought it would enrage my uBPDw further.  At first it did, in the form of an extinction burst.  And then she started to respond to the change I made (enforcing my boundary).  Now her rages are less frequent, shorter, and milder.  Periodically she will start up again, and I just enforce my boundary again.

It feels better not to get raged at anywhere near as much as I used to.  It feels quite empowering too, which is a nice improvement from a situation in which I felt I had little to no control.

Try the lessons, and let us know how it goes for you.



zaqsert

[downandin]

Leaving when they are raging really does work.  In fact, that is what probably kept me from being painted black yesterday.  She was raging.  I said, "I've got to go work," walked out the front door and left.  It is truly the best thing you can do in these times. 

[Cloudy Days]

I used to just sit and take my husband's rages too. I might have went to another room but I could still hear him. Once you figure out that there really is nothing you can do to get them to stop then you start looking for other alternatives. If you aren't there to be raged at, then things calm down a lot quicker. Your presence can make the rage last longer because you are the target, if you take the target away then there is nothing to rage at. I've had discussions with my husband about disassociation, when he rages, this is what he is doing. He literally goes outside of himself and he says it feels sort of like a dream that he has no control over. If he has no control over himself then obviously you just need to get out of the way and save yourself until things calm down again. Go outside, go to another room, leave the house if needed but don't sit and listen to it. It's abuse and you staying an being apart of it just lets him know that he can keep doing it. When you first start walking away it probably will get worse, it's an extinction burst but once they figure out you aren't going to do what they want they will stop. It takes a lot out of you but it's worth it in the long run. 

[Bulgakov]

I get relentless text messages if I leave. Guess I should just ignore them. My phone is a treasure trove of some of the meanest things you have ever seen as well as some of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. Keep telling myself to just live my life. Hasn’t happened in a while.

[Cloudy Days]

Yea, I get those too, I don't usually have to leave the house that often but when I do, it's a serious rage, I also get them while at work if he is in a bad mood and I send the wrong text, I get hate mail through texts. I don't respond back to hate texts, I send one text that says I will not respond to those kinds of messages and leave it at that. I started small with my boundaries and just have worked my way up to the bigger ones. It makes things more manageable. The biggest one for me is that if he calls me a name I leave the room, if it continues I go outside, it stops things from getting to the point of a rage.

[downandin]

I have gotten hate messages in the past, but now I actually get the 'silent treatment' with her failing to respond to texts from me or not texting me when she knows I want her to.  That is what she did yesterday, for awhile anyway.  Then she finally called and everything was fine.  I think the 'silent treatment' in any form is the worst of all forms of torture.  I guess that is why she uses it now.

[sjm7411]

I get relentless text messages if I leave. Guess I should just ignore them. My phone is a treasure trove of some of the meanest things you have ever seen as well as some of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. Keep telling myself to just live my life. Hasn’t happened in a while.

HA - I was thinking the same thing - I delete them all now, good or bad.  It is too scary of a reminder of the dysfunction. 

[waverider]

Leaving is not about stopping their raging, it is about stopping the effect it has on you. This is why leaving is often better than say not responding or going into the next room. You can distract yourself from it. It is often good to have a standby list of things to do and places to go. This makes your time more productive and less resentful of the time out.

Just walking out the door and thinking what now? creates it's own set of issues. Don't leave in a bad mood way either, thats asking to be blamed.

As far as incessent texts and phone calls simply make a boundary that if that keeps up phone will be turned off.

[Highlander]

I have put up with many rages from dBPDh and it almost always happens at night.

Last week we made an emergency plan together. 

We decided that at the first onset of his next rage, that he must remember that it always leads to regret and it is time for him to go to sleep so he can wake up with fresh thoughts the following day.  I will give him some pills to calm him down and help him sleep (always locked up) and he will lie down on the bed and cuddle our little dog (where I can see him) and listen to some calm music whilst going to sleep. 

As my husband is diagnosed and has been doing so well with therapy (he never misses a session and researches his DBT workbook intently), I have no doubts that this new plan may work.  Our therapist was also very impressed with the plan and the mere fact that we both sat down together to find a solution.  He told my husband to write down the emergency plan and sign it, put it on the fridge to remind himself that the plan is what he really wants.  Fingers crossed  

[rj47]

I get relentless text messages if I leave. Guess I should just ignore them. My phone is a treasure trove of some of the meanest things you have ever seen as well as some of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. Keep telling myself to just live my life. Hasn’t happened in a while.

HA - I was thinking the same thing - I delete them all now, good or bad.  It is too scary of a reminder of the dysfunction. 

I started leaving once I knew she was passing the point of no return to full-on episodes. For years I simply stared at the floor and agreed with her as she raged on and on. I had to change the rules for the simple fact that she was becoming more physically violent, and, my resentment was increasing to the point that I was starting to passively but methodically manipulate her rage. Initially she would cruelly taunt me as I was leaving, then,  blow up my phone with vicious v-mails and texts saying she was leaving for good, heading to a bar, going to a male friend's for the night, etc. It was hard, but I've gotten better at holding my ground. The depth and intensity of the cycles have lessened by forcing her to regulate when she sees me ready to bolt... . the "runaway method" of conflict resolution seems to be working.

For several years I've also been recording episodes occasionally in the event the police ever showed for a DV claim. I cannot listen to them, the v-mails or read the texts as they generate almost the same gut wrenching anxiety as the real thing. A few months ago when I let her beat my face severely, she cried for two days seeing the damage she had done. It scared me as well and was time for a change. A week later she was saying she didn't do enough damage. I still have not been able to listen to the two hour episode.

I suspect I keep the texts, v-mails and recordings so that if either us leaves, I can read or replay them as an important reminder of just how F'd up the situation was when I'm missing her or reminiscing.

[Chosen]

I get rages and hate mail.  A lot.  Since a while ago I have stopped responding to the hate mail and texts (which he just repeats and repeats, and every time it's the same "facts" of how horrible I am as a wife, person, daughter, family member, how I shame everybody, you get the idea).  As long I keep responding, he keeps sending them.  So you really have to take the first step and don't respond.  To be honest, if I don't respond and he still keeps on lashing out at me through these means, I will know it's probably not safe to go home.