update on us. sorry havent been here for awhile

[somuchlove]

I have been helping my dd since she left state to get away from bf , father of her little one. She is following advice of lawyer anrd so we are hopeful this all works out.  Ever since she saw an email of mine to a counselor about my concernsI was worried about her and that she may suffer from BPD my dd has been keeping her emtions in control.  I spent a week with her and she is really stressed but not displaying BPD symptons in the "crazy" way.  She makes comments like I cant display emotions or U willing think I am crazy.  Ijust dont know if she is ok or has figured out welove and support , are closer since she moved and is controlling herself instead of just acting crazy like she has been.   I keep waiting for it to fall apart.   We should know something in the next few weeks about what bf is or can do  if he doesnt fight her then she can moved on.  .   I just hope she can handle what happens either way.   Until she get some help I worry it will one crisis after another.     When she seems to handle things I think maybe she is ok hosever I know better.     

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

somuchlove

It is good to hear your dd is making an effort to control her emotions. Is she seeing a therapist? This might be a good time to suggest this to her. I think it is good she is away from bf and maybe that is why she is able to control herself more. Do you think that being with him was extremely stressful for her?

[qcarolr]

somuchlove - good to hear from you. thanks for the update. are you close enough to see you gkids? have you had the boys over for their summer visit?

One piece of this is the skills you have gained in validating your D - in not giving her direct advice or making judgements - in letting go of trying to work directly with bf... .   And maybe getting that you really do care and are getting help for yourself in understanding her distress has given her a new focus. more trust in you.

I would hesitate to mention therapy to her. she knows about this option. maybe someone else in her life during this transistion can bring that up.

keep doing the things you are doing. it seems to be working for now.

qcr  

[six]

somuchlove,

I might be wrong, but I feel like it is a great sign that she is able to control her emotions in order to prove to you that she is not "crazy."  I think my son would react the opposite way if he believed that I thought he had a mental illness.  I hope she continues to stay in control even if she is only doing it out of fear of you discovering the truth about her.  good luck with everything you are going through.

6

[somuchlove]

The grandsons are coming this week   for their summer of lots of hugs and fun with us.  Can't wait.  Thanks for asking qcr.  You do a great job of keeping up on all of us.  Also thanks for the reminder of practicing what  I have possibly learned and able to impliment.  Oh boy, how the desire to fix comes up now and then.  Especially when we throws one of the lines that I want to grab hook, line and sinker and go back into my " mom can fix it mode". 

Yes,  even though she feels heart  broken over bf and her love for him, she is also dealing with lots of anger for what he has done to them.  He has yet to mention or say I did wrong drug use, watching the kids being totally out of it on drugs.  I am glad she knew she needed to get away.  I just hope the court system supports her on this and all goes ok.  This will give her some confidance back that if you play the game, follow the rules it does work out .  If this does not work,  I don't want to even think of what could happen. 

I am puzzled at how she is able to keep her emtions under some control.  I see little pieces of what would have been total off the wall comments, cruel words etc, but she is able to control them.  This then keeps her grounded.  I know she has no where to turn if we would reject her, if she got out of control but we have all been very supportive and loving.

Can BPD people control their emtions like this?  Have we just allowed her to go off on everyone.  She controls it when she is around her friends, she has been horrible, and accusing of her bf which created issues, even though he really screwed up? 

[vivekananda]

Hi somuchbest wishes, good to hear from you. I think you gorgeous girl is trying so hard to do the right thing. She is consciously doing the right thing. Our kids with BPD know what the right thing to do is, it's just that they think they can get away with it with us... . and well how many times have we enabled in the past? had loose boundaries and not been validating? So, you have begun to change how you interact with your dd and this is perhaps the reward for your efforts... . I do suspect that it is not a given that this can be sustained. But if you continue to work on your relationship with her, I would hope that things may become better for you all. It is not a solution of course. At times of stress my dd crumbles badly. I expect that if there is a stress that is too much for her, she will struggle to cope. But she has this new way of interacting to fall back on... .

Keep up working on strengthening your relationship with her. You can model mindfulness, she can see what it looks like.

I hope this works,

Vivek      

[qcarolr]

I am puzzled at how she is able to keep her emtions under some control.  I see little pieces of what would have been total off the wall comments, cruel words etc, but she is able to control them.  This then keeps her grounded.  I know she has no where to turn if we would reject her, if she got out of control but we have all been very supportive and loving.

Can BPD people control their emtions like this?  Have we just allowed her to go off on everyone.  She controls it when she is around her friends, she has been horrible, and accusing of her bf which created issues, even though he really screwed up? 

This is the picture of my DD27 when she feels supported, and is able to be a little self-aware. She knows the boundaries, she knows she needs us right now because there is no one else - estranged from the peer group. She is able to box up her emotions for a bit -- it takes great internal energy for her and cannot be managed long term.

Your D seems to be putting her kids needs first in all this. Likely this is taking great energy for her. Your support - without judgement or too much advice - helps her have the strength and courage. I do pray and pray that the court can also support her great efforts to put the kids first.

Hang in there. My    is with you.

qcr