Update: He is getting married next week , need some support

[stop2think]

Hi all,

Just got to know that my exbf (NPD / BPD) is getting married next week    :'(

I was doing a little better in months but when I received this news - I broke down again. His soon wife to be is someone he met over a month after he left me. Got engaged within 1 month of meeting and 2 months later is now marrying her.  It is a typical arranged marriage , having said that it's not like it was not his decision.

I feel terrible as we were to get married by march  this year  :'(

I am broken... . angry and in a lot of pain just imagining his wedding  and the life we dreamt will now  be just a dream.

Need some strength and support. Thank you guys.

[Octoberfest]

Hi S2T,

A little food for thought here;

When you say you are broken imagining the wedding and the life you were supposed to live... . I am guessing you are a little resentful that it is going to be another woman, not you, having those things with him.

Please think about this a little objectively; it may make you feel a little better.

Your BPDex is MARRYING someone THREE months after meeting them.  That sure as hell screams TROUBLE to me.  Maybe people really do have runaway fantasy marriages, but I just don't see from a logical stand point knowing someone for THREE MONTHS being a solid foundation for a marriage.  I had the same thoughts when I learned that my BPDex got a dog with, and is planning on moving in with, the guy she was cheating on me with after they had KNOWN each other for less than 2 months and when 10 days earlier she told me she "loved me and wanted me back".

IMO, our BPDex's are walking into their own traps when they go and do things like this.  I believe largely they might be coping mechanisms, because I DO believe that they really do fall in love with us.  Regardless, these situations are recipes for disaster.  2 or 3 months is not long enough to actually know someone and know if you want to spend the rest of your life with them.  That is a concept I think many pwBPD miss; marriage isn't just another box to cross off.  It is SUPPOSED to be a life long commitment.  It is something that many BPD's get lost in... . Things are great as long as progress continues to be made.  As long as they still feel like they are going forward.  It almost seems like they are unable to be content.  Or stability scares them.

EVEN IF this is an arranged marriage;

Do you really think it is a marriage you would want to be in? A marriage that is going to be founded in mutual love and respect? I think not.

I think on the surface you react and by instinct think you are missing out here... . But I would be SHOCKED if your BPDex sailed off into the night and everything was ok forevermore for him.  It is classified as a mental disorder for a reason: The right person, or the right time, DOES NOT fix all of the problems.  Keep that in mind... . In fact I made myself feel better about MY situation just by coming up with that to say to YOU.

This board is a wonderful place.

[Surnia]

stop2think

a big   for you.

I can understand that it is a very difficult moment for you. I would feel a mixed cocktail of feelings too.

As octoberfest said, it is so fast for a marriage. This could be a step after the first shock: What do you want for you? Someone who is rushing from one rs to the next like a drug addict?

Be nice with you in this moment. Is there anything you can do for you right now? Friends, a nice place... .

[stop2think]

Or stability scares them.

It's starnge if 'stability' would scare them. As he ALWAYS shared his desire of having a 'family' , a beautiful 'wife' and a good earning job as all his friends/cousins have. Which meant he wanted 'stability' and needn't have to fear abandonment anymore. He was also in a hurry of getting married by the end of 2013 as he turned 33 recently and had NEVER married before.

But I would be SHOCKED if your BPDex sailed off into the night and everything was ok forevermore for him.  It is classified as a mental disorder for a reason: The right person, or the right time, DOES NOT fix all of the problems. 

Perhaps, that is what i think about most times. That it was a situation of 'right time, right place and right person' for him. Like he HIT the jackpot. As she is from similar family culture, and family status. Plus she is pretty and well accomplished in her field of work. Also as she is only a few years younger to him (30yrs), unlike me (27yrs) - she would (as him) also want to start a family soon, which i did not want to and he knew that (as i still have my masters to complete) - he never understood that or bothered what my ambitions/needs were in life.

[changingme]

stop2think,

I think regardless if his new relationship is a disaster waiting to happen or a perfect fit, it still hurts just as much to imagine you had these life plans, then they were ripped away and he is now continuing his plans just with someone new.  That is the worst feeling. The pwBPD don't go through the grieving process of a breakup like we do, they just move quick and what was yesterday to us can seem like an eternity ago to them.  They live day to day. 

I wish you the best as you go through your grieving process with all of this.  Just try to keep yourself as busy as possible, it does help.