Memory

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Memory of her is what makes my mind upended. Memory of the time we spent together. Good and bad. I don't want to remember the good or the bad. I know I can never forget. I will have this for the rest of my life. It is horrible. I was not like this ever before I met her. If I hadn't met her this wouldn't be happening to me. How can this person have so much effect on me? I was not like this. I was strong and happy. I had high standards in relationships and never compromised my boundaries. Why her? She was the most disrespectful person I have ever met. I treated her like a goddess. She was a princess to me. She deserved none of it but I let her get away with stuff I would have never let anyone get away with. I feel like I was conned and am a victim of my own stupidity. It gets a little better but it won't just go away.

[Perfidy]

Memory of her is what makes my mind upended. Memory of the time we spent together. Good and bad. I don't want to remember the good or the bad. I know I can never forget. I will have this for the rest of my life. It is horrible. I was not like this ever before I met her. If I hadn't met her this wouldn't be happening to me. How can this person have so much effect on me? I was not like this. I was strong and happy. I had high standards in relationships and never compromised my boundaries. Why her? She was the most disrespectful person I have ever met. I treated her like a goddess. She was a princess to me. She deserved none of it but I let her get away with stuff I would have never let anyone get away with. I feel like I was conned and am a victim of my own stupidity. It gets a little better but it won't just go away.

[Surnia]

Hi perfidy

this is though, dealing with the memory! 

Can you perhaps try to look at it a bit different about your own stupidity? I think you are not stupid. Deep down there are reasons why you see her as a princess. And besides this you are as a human always learning... .


You are not stupid, perfidy!

[Aussie0zborn]

We can all call ourselves stupid and when we're feeling like this we should remember that we acted with good intentions, even if we did lower our guard and let them walk all over us, turn our names to mud, beat the crap out of us, etc etc.

Take solace in the fact that you are a good guy and for her to take advantage of your good nature then she is not a good person and not the person she pretended to be.  What you think is stupidity is really proof that she is not a good person and certainly not the right person for you.

Please don't beat yourself up over it. Do you have a T ?

[Perfidy]

I saw hew as a princess because she was one. Her disability did not allow her to see herself that way. She was so sick. I felt so sorry for her. Tried to show her. She could not love herself. I tried to show her how.

[Perfidy]

Aussie she really is a good person. Sick. Not her fault. Not easy to be with but not her fault. I always knew this. She was very special but it was the wrong chemistry. I couldn't do it anymore. She left me but I wanted her to leave. It just took years to happen.

[Perfidy]

I asked her nice to leave the first time. After the hundredth time I knew she wasn't going to leave until she was good and ready. I did not have the heart to involve the authorities. I loved her. I didn't want that for her. I knew it would hurt and I wanted it to be her choice. She was so precious. So childlike but so sick.

[Perfidy]

I know when someone invites me to leave I only have to hear it once. I asked her to leave so many times it became just like water off a duck to her. She knew I didn't mean it. She saw how much crap I suffered for her. Insanity.

[Learning_curve74]

I saw hew as a princess because she was one. Her disability did not allow her to see herself that way. She was so sick. I felt so sorry for her. Tried to show her. She could not love herself. I tried to show her how.

Perfidy, you are saying the same things that I'm thinking like we're telepathically connected. I didn't spend as long with my BPDex as you did, but I feel just as bad that I wasn't able to save her from her problems. Like you, I tried to love her and show her how special she was, that she was more than just the sum of her addictions, her problems, and her past. And she tried, for a time she stopped drinking and taking uppers. But love doesn't conquer all, this is real life, not some f**king fairy tale happy ever after.

It just took me 20 minutes to write those 4 sentences because reading what you wrote, Perfidy, made me cry for you and your ex as well as for myself and my ex. I don't think you were stupid, but you were loving, caring, dedicated and loyal. You/me were able to forgive the abuse and bad behaviors because we were blinded by a need to love her and be loved by her. Our exes learned from their past to hide everything, to take kindness when they could from whomever, and to just survive. The past has happened and can't be changed, but we don't have to be trapped by it. Our exes can choose to try and keep trying to change, so can we but nobody can make that decision for anybody else, just for ourselves.

Just take it step by step and make it through each day, brother. The sun will rise again.  

[Perfidy]

LC thank you for your reply. It gives me some consolation that I am able to get my feelings out and know that I am expressing them accurately because I was crying when I wrote this last night. My own healing and my happiness are my job and my job alone. I am aware of my own issues but don't really know what to do about them except change the way that I look at things. I have cried almost every day for the last five months and on the days I don't I feel like it. I feel like I am so close to being in full acceptance some times but then I just fall right into the crap again. Indifference is my goal. I have had zero contact. Blocked social media no texts or phone calls for many weeks. I do not want this unhappiness to become a way of life for me. It's hard.

[Octoberfest]

Our exes learned from their past to hide everything, to take kindness when they could from whomever, and to just survive. The past has happened and can't be changed, but we don't have to be trapped by it. Our exes can choose to try and keep trying to change, so can we but nobody can make that decision for anybody else, just for ourselves.

Sage words

Aussie she really is a good person. Sick. Not her fault. Not easy to be with but not her fault. I always knew this. She was very special but it was the wrong chemistry. I couldn't do it anymore. She left me but I wanted her to leave. It just took years to happen.

I think in fairness to both you and to her you need to look at this a little more... . Certainly, our SO's DID NOT ask to have BPD or to have to live with this disorder. It IS NOT her fault that she has BPD.  But, ultimately, she makes her own choices.  I fell into the trap that this line of thinking speaks to.  It is the, "It isn't her fault, I see the good in her underneath the disorder and I am just trying to get to that, I see her struggling with the disorder and I want to help her, she can't help herself it is the disorder talking/acting" stuff. I will repeat though, she MAKES HER OWN CHOICES.  I think I somehow got into my head that there was almost a third entity involved between my BPDex and I.  There was me, there was her (the angel that I saw underneath it all) and then the big bad disorder that came in to ruin everything.  In reality, her and the disorder are ONE.  It is WHO SHE IS.

I identify with you Perfidy... . I too was trapped in the VERY bizarre situation where I sure wasn't happy with what was going on, knew that I was with someone who treated me VERY poorly, knew that I DID NOT want to end up with this person, and yet did not leave. When I did walk away I always came back... . it is frustrating to the point of tears to care so much about a person who treats you so poorly... . especially so when the relationship is over, they have moved on, and you are stuck missing them or thinking about them, or worrying about them, or whatever... . having so much head space devoted to a person that deserves little to none is heart breaking.