Pain of leaving is far worse than the pain of staying.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I don't come to this board often because I have camped out on the Detaching board since I signed up.

You can probably search the boards and see some posts on my divorce from my BPD-wife... . so I won't write the entire story here.

But I will say that my life post divorce has been hell.  An insufferable hell.  I will detail life post BPD divorce:

- Absence makes the heart grow fonder.  You start reminding all the great things about them and forget the hell they put you through.

- The splitting.  They will hate you with the intensity of a thousand suns.  They ignore you, don't respond to emails, treat you like you never existed.  Meanwhile, you just want closure and want to be amicable. If you do see them and want to talk to them, they will say incredibly hurtful things to you.

- They will go through incredible physical changes.  Losing weight, looking better, dressing more sexy.  Things they would never do for you.   You will begin to desire them again, but you can't have them.

- They will immediately go out and find a new boyfriend or girlfriend while the ink is still wet on the divorce papers.  It will devastate you.  Meanwhile, you are just trying to find the desire to live and the energy to make yourself dinner.



I sometimes wonder if I made the right move.  I don't wish the BPD breakup aftermath on anyone.  Take time with your decision... . consider all options. 

[expos]

I don't come to this board often because I have camped out on the Detaching board since I signed up.

You can probably search the boards and see some posts on my divorce from my BPD-wife... . so I won't write the entire story here.

But I will say that my life post divorce has been hell.  An insufferable hell.  I will detail life post BPD divorce:

- Absence makes the heart grow fonder.  You start reminding all the great things about them and forget the hell they put you through.

- The splitting.  They will hate you with the intensity of a thousand suns.  They ignore you, don't respond to emails, treat you like you never existed.  Meanwhile, you just want closure and want to be amicable. If you do see them and want to talk to them, they will say incredibly hurtful things to you.

- They will go through incredible physical changes.  Losing weight, looking better, dressing more sexy.  Things they would never do for you.   You will begin to desire them again, but you can't have them.

- They will immediately go out and find a new boyfriend or girlfriend while the ink is still wet on the divorce papers.  It will devastate you.  Meanwhile, you are just trying to find the desire to live and the energy to make yourself dinner.



I sometimes wonder if I made the right move.  I don't wish the BPD breakup aftermath on anyone.  Take time with your decision... . consider all options. 

[em754]

Sorry to hear your story. I try to find the strength to leave my wife but find it too hard to do. Everything you explain about your relationship mirrors my own, except I am still here trying to live with it. I admire your making the move away, time will make things easier. There are many friends here if you need to vent or express your frustrations. Good Luck

[expos]

Sorry to hear your story. I try to find the strength to leave my wife but find it too hard to do. Everything you explain about your relationship mirrors my own, except I am still here trying to live with it. I admire your making the move away, time will make things easier. There are many friends here if you need to vent or express your frustrations. Good Luck

Don't leave her right now (unless she's cheated on you).  Trust me.  It gets worse after they leave.  You'll feel good about the decision in the beginning because it's instant relief... . but the problems are still there and it's too late to fix things.  You really love them... . but once they split you black... . it is a living hell. 

What are you doing for counseling?  I would try to find a therapist who specializes in BPD.  I never knew what my ex had until it was too late.  Try to salvage it in any way possible, especially if you love them.   

[momtara]

The pain of second-guessing and could-have-beens is a very harsh, severe pain, and I feel for you.  However, you need people to remind you of what could have happened if you had stayed.

Do you have journals, emails, stuff that can remind you of just how horrible, sick, dysfunctional it all was at times?

Sure, they are sick, they are sometimes WONDERFUL and... . yes... . (this seems to only come up with the men divorcing women... . ) they may look sexy.  They may get a new boyfriend.  However, that person will be thrown aside sooner or later.

If you hadn't wanted out, someday, she might have just left you all of a sudden anyway.  Maybe after more damage was done.

You are a sweet and smart person, clearly.  You write well.  I can tell you from my side, there are lots of women out there who'd like a good guy.  They may not all be hot and sexy and they won't like being compared to someone who was cute and cruel at once.  But someone is out there who will treat you like you should be treated.

And you know what?  It is ok to still love her, and know you are a good person, who loves wholly and passionately.  I would not deny you that.  This is someone you were married to.  She probably has great qualities.

If you had stayed with her, there are some scary things she might have done.  Restraining order maybe?  I don't know . Every person is different.

It is so easy to idealize someone who is not there torturing you anymore.  Well, I guess she still is, in some ways.

I am not going to tell you that your feelings aren't valid, because they are.  All of them.  I am just saying that there are other feelings that you tend to forget, because you're missing her.  Like the feeling of having to go through another maniuplation, rage, black period, etc that plays with your head.  

You know, if she was so great, she would be cordial to you, be caring, etc.  And you know, she may be back when the next one doesn't work out.

[constantinus]

It has been 2 months since I left; out of desperation, out of having spiraled into constant verbal/emotional abuse and being cheated on for a year or more.

Of course now everything conspires to drag me back in; I have children with my W girls I adore and feel terrible about having had to let her stay with them.  I get guilt tripped and manipulated every day through them; through my financial obligations, through all the buttons she knows how to press from 17 years of marriage.

I just weaned myself out of antidepressants, and am trying my damn hardest to get myself together again.  When I'm feeling really terrible about all of this I listen to the one rant I had the presence of mind to record the day I was getting punched in the face.

There is a reason for why you are where you are; What does it take to get over having given so much for so long , just to be treated like an accessory?

[em754]

I have been seeing a psychiatrist for the past 3 months, and have just started seeing a new psychologist who I hope will help me to learn some new strategies on how to cope, whether I stay or leave. I am currently on anti-depressants which have helped a bit... . I just have to get all my crap in one pile. 32 years together is a long time!

[crystal]

EM-- Oh, I do remember that pain.

But I am five years out now and will say that the joy of truly living my OWN life far exceeds the pain of the very long and difficult divorce and the pain my ex inflicted on me (and honestly I inflicted on myself) in the aftermath. My ex did ALL those things.  AND was the wonderful disney dad!  And I was miserable. 

  REad your post: it is all about HER.  Once you get past that, and start remembering who YOU are and what you value and enjoy and finding new friends, it will change.   And that change will be for the better.

Promise.

Go NC. If you dont know what she is doing, it is much easier to move on.

And it did not last for my Ex-- he burned through five fiances in three years, lost two jobs, alienated our kids.  I plodded along and got out of my fear and fog, made new friends, worked on being a good mom, stuck with my job and am now financially sound, with great friends, a great job, wonderful kids and a full life. 

[momtara]

Crystal, you're an inspiration.

"he burned through five fiances in three years"

WOW! 

[Vindi]

i remember this saying, when i was visiting therapy... . and I was *in* the relationship, yet couldn't leave, it was far more painful... . even though the pain of staying was much, much worse.

You are in a grieving period, this is all a shock, it will take time, yes many months, all the dreams and memories are gone... . yes, it is sad!

you have to feel your feelings, and know, truly down the road you will be a better person, a happier and healthier person.

Maybe journal your feelings, and yes, do NC! and get on with your own life!

I wish you the best thru these tough times!

[rj47]

They may not all be hot and sexy and they won't like being compared to someone who was cute and cruel at once.  But someone is out there who will treat you like you should be treated.

Its hard to explain... . almost as if we are drawn into the illness, share in it for years and are unable to break out because of the co-dependency.

My wife is stunning and full of poise to the outside world and I have encouraged her to "find happiness" elsewhere if that's what she needs. Despite years of being torn down and degraded by her, she knows I'd land on my feet and attract a quality woman. I think that terrifies her, as well as the unknowns of leaving me. Deep down, she knows she's almost completely dysfunctional and eventually no man could tolerate her behavior.

I used to be concerned about finding an equally attractive woman with the chemistry we once had. I know... . very superficial. Its largely gone and I no longer think about how I will find someone with similar beauty, sexual power and a sharp edge. There have been attractive women wanting to "rescue me", but I  daydream about something close to "normal" with no fear, shame or anticipation of the next downward spiral. I love her and would like it to be with her... . but I know its a fantasy.  Its a hard internal debate and there seems to be no right decision. There are always unintended negative consequences, but liberation and joy are possible. Its a cause for despair knowing someone will never be able to reciprocate the love you have for them back... . but maybe it makes us better and more valuable people to the world around us.

[crystal]

Yeah, five fiances. For real.

And the funny thing is, that at first -- ok, for MOST of those three years, I was thinking he had it all, and I was the loser. I imagined he was happy while I was miserable. I could not see his pathology for what it was and I was so focused on him that I was not re-becoming me. 

I really had to work to break free of the spell he had over me and to believe in my reality, not his twisted view of things.  Yep, I was  wreck. And if I can do it, you can too.

NC! 

Best to you

Crystal

[WalrusGumboot]

Expos, I understand where you are coming from in your post, but I do not regret my decision to divorce in the very least.

Just reading through your list just shows how little they regard us and the relationship, and that is what really hurts, isn't it? It's like being conned. So wanting them back... . even though they put us through great pain, might just be a way of us avoiding coming to that conclusion. That they really think we are as great as they told us we are at the beginning, and that they cannot love no other.

There would not be anything in this world to get me back in that relationship. It took a big toll on me in every way possible.

[Billa]

- Absence makes the heart grow fonder.  You start reminding all the great things about them and forget the hell they put you through.

- The splitting.  They will hate you with the intensity of a thousand suns.  They ignore you, don't respond to emails, treat you like you never existed.  Meanwhile, you just want closure and want to be amicable. If you do see them and want to talk to them, they will say incredibly hurtful things to you.



I sometimes wonder if I made the right move.  I don't wish the BPD breakup aftermath on anyone.  Take time with your decision... . consider all options. 

that's the same thing I wonder every day... .