i could use some help understanding the "Ppl need to have neg feelings heard"

[DreamFlyer99]

I just read this in "supporting a loved one with BPD",

"8. Listen. People need to have their negative feelings heard. Don’t say, “It isn’t so.” Don’t try to make the feelings go away. Using words to express fear, loneliness, inadequacy, anger, or needs is good. It’s better to use words than to act out on feelings."

Okay, so I understand everyone wants to be heard. But my uH's "negative feelings" appear to be a litany of all the ways I've hurt him more than he could possibly have hurt me.

Are we just not at the point where he can speak in words like "I feel lonely" instead of the finger pointing extraordinaire? I guess it's usually in response to me saying to him "it feels disrespectful when you talk to me that way" or some such useless thing that clearly is a bad idea.

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[Chosen]

I think what this means is, if your H says "I did so much stuff for you.  I hit and hit_ and hit_ and you don't do anything for me."  (using myself as an example, uhmmm... . )

Negative feelings: He feels he has done a lot and is unappreciated.

The way he presents it: He does a lot, you do nothing.

If he's not raging or insulting, then it's ok to validate the fact that he feels unappreciated.  But saying "But I appreciate you!" is not validating to them, because it means "you shouldn't feel unappreciated".  Instead you can say something like, "I understand if you do a lot but never get appreciation it is hard." 

As for the bit which he says you don't do anything?  I consider it as it "conjured up facts" from his feelings, or plain bait, so I usually ignore.

[waverider]

Listening to their feelings and trying to understand where they are coming from is not the same as agreeing or confirming their views.

Yes they are extreme, unfair and illogical... . That is the Disorder

Expecting them to be fair, reasonable and restrained, as we would be, is expecting them to not have BPD behavior.

The trick is not to take their words literally, this is the world through their BPD filtered minds at that moment. It is not your world

The often used analogy is that you are asking why the duck cant bark just like all the other dogs. Because the duck is not a dog. A pwPD is not a non.

[Rockylove]

Okay, so I understand everyone wants to be heard. But my uH's "negative feelings" appear to be a litany of all the ways I've hurt him more than he could possibly have hurt me.

Are we just not at the point where he can speak in words like "I feel lonely" instead of the finger pointing extraordinaire? I guess it's usually in response to me saying to him "it feels disrespectful when you talk to me that way" or some such useless thing that clearly is a bad idea.

Your first point is that he's dumping it all on you.  That's part of the illness.  When my husband is hurting you can be darned sure that he's going to try to make me feel his pain.  We've made great progress in this area though and it was because I made changes in the way I responded.  I can now get to the heart of what he is truly unhappy about through validation and asking questions. 

When we change a few things in the way we communicate, it will often feel less threatening for them to respond in kind.  Take your statement for example:  "it feels disrespectful when you talk to me that way."  This can trigger a negative response as it may feel like a parent talking to a child.  Changing a few words may help.  I feel disrespected when I hear you say [fill in the blank].  This keeps the feelings where they originate and not blaming him for how you feel.  We are all responsible for our own feelings~~they don't know how to communicate that so we have to guide the conversation most of the time.

[DreamFlyer99]

WOW. Good stuff all. I guess it's "just" learning how to phrase things, and remembering they're seeing through BPD glasses.

I felt I did a bit better last night--he actually brought up that he feels quite successful at work but it's at home that i'm always telling him "things to do differently, you find fault in everything!" (okay, there's the black and white thinking.) The truth is I've tried to broach the subject of us learning to communicate without making the other person defensive a few times lately. But this time somehow I was able to get him to actually look at me (he usually doesn't when he feels threatened by my not finding him perfect and when he's raging) and I touched his arm and looked into his eyes and said "I only bring that sort of thing up to help US with OUR relationship, so we can be closer."

Somehow I did that one right, he didn't go off into tantrum land. Of course there was more said but I can't remember it all (and you don't want to HEAR it all!) That encouraged me.

I was glad to feel encouraged, but DANG it's a lot of work trying to have a conversation that involves our relationship with someone like that! it's exhausting, and I have fibromyalgia, so it affects that too... .

Maybe with practice I can get more clear on how to phrase things the right way and make it about how I felt(I was trying so hard too! !)

Thanks Chosen, Waverider and Rockylove, for taking the time to respond.

[waverider]

It takes time and it becomes more natural, you will still get things wrong, dont be over critical in hindsight when you do. Even if you said the perfect thing all you are doing is reducing the odds of things going bad, it can still happen. Accept you are doing your best

The tools are about reducing unnecessary conflict and reducing the effect it has on you when it does occur. It is not about fixing them, it is about creating a calmer environment, reducing his ability to soothe by projecting onto you. It increases the odds of him owning his own problems and learning to self soothe, or find less destructive ways of coping.

At the end of the day you will learn a lot about people skills as a whole, and will be a better person for it.

[DreamFlyer99]

The tools are about reducing unnecessary conflict and reducing the effect it has on you when it does occur. It is not about fixing them, it is about creating a calmer environment, reducing his ability to soothe by projecting onto you. It increases the odds of him owning his own problems and learning to self soothe, or find less destructive ways of coping.

At the end of the day you will learn a lot about people skills as a whole, and will be a better person for it.

Great reality check! And I sure hope I come out of this a better person--there's gotta be some perk! !