Desperately Seeking Normalcy

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Well today I realized I am a bit of a stalker.  Ok, so I admit it. This still bothers me no matter what I may say.

So I guess I am not as over this as I hoped although for the record, this relationship finally? ended May 31st after 11mo of her consistantly dumping me (4-5 times) and me taking her back like a gullible lug.

This time, a week after dumping me she ran back to an old ex who lives 5hrs away. This woman had been in the picture the entire time and she would say, "L thinks you are mean to me and I should dump you".

I'm taking it L is the Knight to save the poor damsel in distress and I am the villain in this scenerio? L has been married to the person she dumped my ex for and is now going through a divorce. They were in their late 20's so she has probably thought this was a maturity phase.

Good luck to her (hee hee)!

So she leaves and now they are gf's. But she meets up with me after their rendevous and tells me she is still very in love with me.  Two days later she tells me never to contact her again, I am harassing her and she will never be intimate with me again. If I ever contact her again she will put a restraining order on me.

Suffice it to say I don't need that and have respected her wishes, however she has not and she has not stuck to her so called "demands" either.

My FB was public and last Friday I blocked her. Saturday she shows up to my spin class. Something she said at the breakup she would not do, she would take certain days and I would take others.  Now she is going every day so I cannot go without her there (yes, I stalked from afar so I wouldn't be surprised with her showing up).

So I switched gyms. I notice on FB every few days she makes her page public to gush about her GF but after I don't show up at the classes she takes her comments down. I know this is a game.

I am not sure why I am looking. I guess it is to validate this is not me. I am guilty of having a hard time letting go but clearly her moves are immature and to get a reaction from me.

And guess what? It's working but I am staying NC.

We belong to several meetup groups she dropped when she dumped me. I am just waiting for her to show to those. Hopefully by then I will not be affected when she walks into a room, my heart racing and palms sweating. I swear this woman broke my heart and then shoved it in a meat grinder. It still hurts.

The next ten days she is going to spend with her ex (over the 4th). This is very hard for me. I guess I just need a little encouragement please. Anything to help get me by. This board has been so supportive.

I will say this... . I am 38 and since my breakup I have received a lot of attention. I am not ready to date but I know I can and that has helped. I just need to get past having been beat down so very badly. It doesn't help that our anniversary is the end of July. Thinking of her with another person... . ugh.

[Pretty Woman]

Well today I realized I am a bit of a stalker.  Ok, so I admit it. This still bothers me no matter what I may say.

So I guess I am not as over this as I hoped although for the record, this relationship finally? ended May 31st after 11mo of her consistantly dumping me (4-5 times) and me taking her back like a gullible lug.

This time, a week after dumping me she ran back to an old ex who lives 5hrs away. This woman had been in the picture the entire time and she would say, "L thinks you are mean to me and I should dump you".

I'm taking it L is the Knight to save the poor damsel in distress and I am the villain in this scenerio? L has been married to the person she dumped my ex for and is now going through a divorce. They were in their late 20's so she has probably thought this was a maturity phase.

Good luck to her (hee hee)!

So she leaves and now they are gf's. But she meets up with me after their rendevous and tells me she is still very in love with me.  Two days later she tells me never to contact her again, I am harassing her and she will never be intimate with me again. If I ever contact her again she will put a restraining order on me.

Suffice it to say I don't need that and have respected her wishes, however she has not and she has not stuck to her so called "demands" either.

My FB was public and last Friday I blocked her. Saturday she shows up to my spin class. Something she said at the breakup she would not do, she would take certain days and I would take others.  Now she is going every day so I cannot go without her there (yes, I stalked from afar so I wouldn't be surprised with her showing up).

So I switched gyms. I notice on FB every few days she makes her page public to gush about her GF but after I don't show up at the classes she takes her comments down. I know this is a game.

I am not sure why I am looking. I guess it is to validate this is not me. I am guilty of having a hard time letting go but clearly her moves are immature and to get a reaction from me.

And guess what? It's working but I am staying NC.

We belong to several meetup groups she dropped when she dumped me. I am just waiting for her to show to those. Hopefully by then I will not be affected when she walks into a room, my heart racing and palms sweating. I swear this woman broke my heart and then shoved it in a meat grinder. It still hurts.

The next ten days she is going to spend with her ex (over the 4th). This is very hard for me. I guess I just need a little encouragement please. Anything to help get me by. This board has been so supportive.

I will say this... . I am 38 and since my breakup I have received a lot of attention. I am not ready to date but I know I can and that has helped. I just need to get past having been beat down so very badly. It doesn't help that our anniversary is the end of July. Thinking of her with another person... . ugh.

[understated]

I can totally relate to the facebook looking. I was looking at my ex's page and groups he belongs to constantly. It made me feel awful- it showed that he was getting on with his life and it was as if I never existed to him. I blocked him about a month ago and I feel so much better not seeing what he's up to. Since the start there's been no contact (his doing) and I wish I had of blocked him on fb straight away- it's created a lot more distance. Is your fb still public? 

Sorry that it's a difficult time for you at the moment. What helps me is reading posts on here and knowing that we are the ones that can move on from this. We can grow and learn and I think the experience will ultimately make us stronger.   

[Validation78]

Hi EA!

Breakups are tough, period. When with a pwBPD, they are more complicated and confusing than most of us can put into words. We are experiencing thoughts and feelings many of us have never felt before. It is why NC is best for many of us, at least until we can gather our thoughts, clean ourselves of the toxic influence, and decide how we will move on in a healthy manner. The things your ex is doing are common, and only adds to the difficultly.

I commend you on your commitment to maintain NC. It's very hard at times, however, later when you look back at it all, I think you will be proud of yourself for putting your needs first, and taking care of yourself. Find your new normal, and make it your first priority!

Best Wishes,

Val78