Sad birthday...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Today's my birthday. I'm very depressed and I'm reacting in a very BPD way... . I'd like to cancel this day from the calendar and I don't want to see anybody. I've put my phone in airplane mode, as I don't have enough strength to act as I'm ok with people calling to say "happy birthday".  And I'm also conscious that my ex won't call, so I prefer no to expect his call, cutting off them all. A month ago it was his recycled ex 40th birthday, she made a big party and  he was there taking pictures of her while she was blowing out the candles, I saw the photos of a mutual friend, on Facebook. And it hurts very much.  I know it's crazy, my rational mind knows that it's a way of punishing myself for not having been enough good to save our relationship, to blame myself for what happened. And that's exactly what I think, that I wasn't enough good to have his love and I gave her the opportunity to get rid of me. And, even if a part of me understands that this is a very immature way of thinking, I'm feeling so desperate that I 'm only pure emotions, no place for rationality... .

I'm posting here because it's a place where I know I'm not going to be judged for my feelings, as other people wouldn't understand... . Thank you for being here.

[Billa]

Today's my birthday. I'm very depressed and I'm reacting in a very BPD way... . I'd like to cancel this day from the calendar and I don't want to see anybody. I've put my phone in airplane mode, as I don't have enough strength to act as I'm ok with people calling to say "happy birthday".  And I'm also conscious that my ex won't call, so I prefer no to expect his call, cutting off them all. A month ago it was his recycled ex 40th birthday, she made a big party and  he was there taking pictures of her while she was blowing out the candles, I saw the photos of a mutual friend, on Facebook. And it hurts very much.  I know it's crazy, my rational mind knows that it's a way of punishing myself for not having been enough good to save our relationship, to blame myself for what happened. And that's exactly what I think, that I wasn't enough good to have his love and I gave her the opportunity to get rid of me. And, even if a part of me understands that this is a very immature way of thinking, I'm feeling so desperate that I 'm only pure emotions, no place for rationality... .

I'm posting here because it's a place where I know I'm not going to be judged for my feelings, as other people wouldn't understand... . Thank you for being here.

[stop2think]

Happy Birthday Billa! Sending you the best on this day... .

I completely understand how you must be feeling, as my birthday was immediately the following month of the breakup. It was a mixed bag of emotions - anxiety, hope , anger and sadness. Ruminating about my previous birthday with him which was a fantastic special day. The worst part of this year's BDAY was that he drunk dialed me at 3am from his cousin's number, moreover he was in my country partying with his cousins and friends. He also told me that he was having a great time, and pretended to be sarcastically surprised when i told him i was home and sleeping and not 'partying' (late night). A week later when i called out of desperacy he coldly told me he was engaged to some new girl and would soon be getting married.

My point is, no matter what we are going through they do not care. They continue to see us as a rogue in their life, they got rid off. Don't care for people who do not care for you. It's your day, do something good for yourself - love yourself, celebrate the present (problem -free) life. It's hard to feel positive in all the negativity but unless we do not try - we would only be stuck or prolong the healing. Take your time, believe yourself and let all the thoughts process in your head... . One day at a time!

[Billa]

thank you for your words, i'll try to follow your advice 

[Validation78]

Hi Billa!

Feeling sad is alright. Taking the time you need to grieve and heal is what we all need to get on with our lives and to lead a healthy existence after we recover from the deep wounds.

I sincerely hope that you will, when you feel better, take a good look at the whole picture, and come to truly believe and accept that you did not cause this. True enough, we all played a part of some sort, however, we are talking about a relationship with very sick people, who have the ability to turn things around, and make us feel responsible. We are not. BPD is a mental illness, and we didn't cause our loved ones to have it! You already know this!

In the meantime, reach out to your friends and loved ones, and please let them reach out to you, especially on your birthday. Step over your feelings friend, and be grateful for the opportunity to have another birthday!

Best Wishes on your birthday and every day!

Val78

[pari]

Happy happy birthday billa! It's your day today. Actually I baked a cake just now to change my mood. Will cut it for you 

I think you should be very happy today to achieve the milestone of getting out of a toxic relationship. It's the best gift you can give yourself. Celebrate today as a new beginning, new phase, new you.

It was my birthday last month while I was taking a break from ex. I made it big. Had a month long celebration for myself. Though I am still broke from the impact but it made me happy. I met so many people, old friends, made new friends and realized there is a lot of goodness around. That there are people who care for me and like me as I am. It meant a lot to me that time when I was emotionally low after months of recycling and push-pull with my ex.

I have a funny story for you. My ex met his new girlfriend in my birthday party. I can't thank her enough for the awesome birthday gift she gave me.  . I am also getting my sense of humor back, which my ex found boring. Lol!

Enjoy your day Billa! Go plan your party, invite friends and family. Smile a lot and I will eat cake for you.

[Billa]

Best Wishes on your birthday and every day!

Val78

thanks, Val, I appreciate your words, as ever.

[Billa]

Happy happy birthday billa! It's your day today. Actually I baked a cake just now to change my mood. Will cut it for you 



Smile a lot and I will eat cake for you.

ok, I guess it's very tasty