Staying, but...

[Chosen]

This past week has been so hard for me.  At the moment I feel so depressed.

I've been on the BPD discovery path for almost a year now, and while some things seem to have improved a bit, my relationship has mostly been pretending to be normal rather than really normal.  We cannot have open conversations which reaches some sort of consensus, even if it is agreeing to disagree.  When we're with others, I cannot tell any joke that somehow might reflect him in a less-than-perfect light, while he could joke about me (I wouldn't care so much if we could both joke about each other).  And at home it's always how I am lacking, how he gives me so much, always giving in but I never ever gave him anything.

I spend so much of my energy learning new things, practising tools that I don't have time for anything else and I'm always tired.  I stopped doing things for me because I felt that this marriage is a central part of my life and I want to improve it.  I was willing to give it my all because I thought it was worth it, that he was worth it. 

And over the past year I have been married, I find myself sometimes thinking that it's a good thing my mother died a few years back; she was the closest person to me and one who loved me more than anybody, and I wondered how utterly sad she would have felt had she known the situation I'm in right now.  And I'm glad she was spared this sad reality.       

Sometimes you think that the good will outweigh the bad in your relationship, but the fact is the bad takes out so much of your energy that you don’t have time to make good times anymore.  And anyway, the “good times” also don’t really happen because even if you want to plan something you’ll end up getting blamed because you were selfish (or something else).  I now know that I’m not being selfish, but it still stings that he says that to me.  It still hurts.  I gave him more than I have ever given anyone, and although I’m by no means a saint, I don’t know what more I have to give anymore. 

Sorry this is such a negative post.  I guess there has been lots of negativity looming inside me this past week and there is just nowhere to pour it out.  At home I can only be neutral at most; I can’t be negative.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[HardTruth]

Well, it certainly sounds like you're walking on eggshells.  And that you can't be yourself or have the freedom to be human.  That is a hard way to live.  To agree to give your self away in order to get a little bit of happiness, a little bit of love here and there.

Sorry you're going through that.  Your negative post just sounds realistic for what you are experiencing today.

[Blazing Star]

Feeling for you Chosen  .

You sound really down, understandably so.

Let's talk about you for a moment - what can you do to recharge?

Could you take a sick day from work and do some things that are nourishing for you?

Love Blazing Star

[Chosen]

Thanks HardTruth and Blazing Star.

Judging from how I am now to how I was a year before, I think I have improved already; I am less fearful and walk on less eggshells.  I tried walking on eggshells for a long time and that didn't work for me.  It didn't make him less angry and ate me up from the inside.  When I came here I strive to get my FOG cleared, and although it's not totally cleared now, at least I see more clearly.

I suppose now, in a really childish way, I just want it all to go away.  I have never been one to just sit there and whine- I whine a little, but then I take steps to change or stop whining about it later.  At this moment I'm feeling quite stuck- I do the things I should do, yet things are not improving, or improve too slowly.  But I suppose last week was the first time I actually walked out on threatening behaviour, and I'm just asking for too much too soon.

At some point I will be positive enough again to keep trying, I just need some time to recharge and stop doing things.  I have decided that for the rest of today I will not think about what H did, what I should say to him, or even think about interactions with him.  That just gives me a headache and thinking about what he may do next is useless- it's not like I can plan anything for him.  Mentally, I need a break. 

I suppose at this point going to work is a relief too- at least I can be away from him for a prolonged period of time.

[united for now]

  I know how you feel. I think we all reach a point of feeling burned out and wanting to give up.  It's natural to feel like you don't have any more to give to anyone. Especially when your efforts don't seem to make a difference and aren't noticed or appreciated.

It's easy to keep focusing on the mentally ill person in our lives and to lose sight of our own sanity and well being. Which is why self care is a such critical part of healing and improving your relationship. The focus has to be on ourselves, since that is essentially all we can control anyways. The put your own oxygen mask on first is totally true.


Take a holiday from thinking about "him". Allow yourself the treat to relax and just be yourself. Can you do that?

[Chosen]

Thanks UFN.  Thanks all.

I just had an hour-long talk with my aunt, who is the only one in the family who knows about the situation and is able to clear-headed about it (she is a C herself, and so if her husband).  I feel a bit more positive now.  She reminded me it's ok to feel less than comfortable right after the "episodes", and she believes I have the strength to handle it.  That is important to me.  I guess I need to know I can do it, because I don't believe I can.

Like UFN, my aunt told me to just be myself for a while, not think about whether he will like it, or what to say to him.  I will try to do that.

To be honest, I still don't believe I have the strength, but hey, I didn't believe I would have the strength to handle my mother dying from cancer, and in the end I did.  So I guess at a certain point, when I need strength, I will get it somehow... .

[Rockylove]

So I guess at a certain point, when I need strength, I will get it somehow... .

I'm so glad you got had a talk with your aunt.  We all need someone who understands our situation to listen and give guidance.  I have my cousin (also a counselor and specializes in dealing with difficult people) who knows me well and has given me some very sage advise. 

I never thought of myself as a strong person, and was always astounded when someone commented on how strong I am.  I suppose that we really do find our inner strength when the chips are down though.  A really great exercise is to write and I've written down all the times when I've pulled strength out of what seemed to be nowhere.  The most amazing part of the exercise was that those times were directly influenced by my faith in a Deity that provides strength when I'm weary.  I'm not religious and I'm not preaching anything... . just saying that's what I've observed.

I know you're drained right now, but we're all here to help lift you up.   

[Vindi]

hi, glad the talk went well with your aunt.

Maybe take more mental breaks, from thinking of your hubby, and doing things for you. Take this time for you, focus just on you and

your wants and needs and not think of the hubby.

I do this often, and it truly helps, I think the more we think about our partners, the more the mind goes crazy. We all need that lil' vacation

a mental break vacation and put the focus more on ourselves.

[Bloomer]

Chosen,

I think we can probably all relate to what you're feeling right now. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed I just go to the bathroom and cry, just to get it out. I've been with my husband for only just under 2 years and most of it was composed of him being dysregulated and me being depressed. It has only been in the last couple of weeks that things have really started to improve, though I am still exhausted.

I hope you have some happy things. A short while ago, I posted something very similar to you, someone suggested I make a list of things that make me happy and have nothing to do with my H.

A few of mine were:

-cuddling with my dog

-Journaling

-meeting or talking with a friend (not about anything to do with my H)

-baking

Can you think of somethings that might help distract and fulfill your empty spot?

   B.

[Chosen]

We went to a sports game last night (as spectators); it was enjoyable.

Initially I was worried that it wouldn't be, since we aren't talking much and yesterday morning he still seemed irritated.  But my aunt reminded me not to think and act like an abuse victim; I should allow myself to enjoy the things we planned for our enjoyment, and only respond if things go wrong.

Things did not go wrong last night, so it's good to have a breather. 

I used to be an independent person (no siblings), so I always enjoyed stuff on my own.  But I think being married had taken me to the other extreme- I hardly have any time alone anymore.  I rarely just go out with friends by my own, not because I don't want that, but because H would prefer to go together.  And he really doesn't have much close friends he does stuff alone with.  Now I really treasure the lunch breaks I have at work because I can do whatever I want in that 1 hour. 

[Bloomer]

Only child or not, everyone needs "me time". It's something I crave regularly now. Especially when I need to focus on validation and boundary setting in the presence of my H, having some time to myself is a good break for my brain and emotions.