What to do with the slander?

[thisyoungdad]

I am a little upset this evening. I knew that the soon to be ex with BPD... . which for what it is worth has not been officially diagnosed. She has severe "bipolar" but even our couple's therapist had strong suspicions and when I brought up the possibility of BPD the therapist just kinda looked at me with a very understanding look but couldn't really say much. According to my therapist who talked to her more than once he has assured me that "she knows exactly what personality issues you are dealing with" which is all good and reassuring. My lawyer who has dealt with many people with personality disorders has referred to the ex as having one without naming it. Her therapist said she had one, again without a name, I am so not the only one who see's it I am the only one who dares call it what it most likely is.

So tonight though I found out that instead of calling me a controlling abuser, which for some reason I had come to learn to handle okay she has moved on to starting to tell people she is divorcing me because I have BPD tendencies. I may have picked up some of her tendencies. I lived with the craziness for 5 years. However I have seen 2 therapists, the couple's therapist, 2 different psychologists and now we have a family therapist and not a single one has said I was BPD or had tendencies and I have specifically asked them if I was exhibiting signs. I do have PTSD from my military service that is why I have had various therapists, and they all assure me I have no mental illness or issues outside of the PTSD.

I guess it freaks me out, to me this is a whole new dangerous level of accusations and slander. Especially since i am a recent graduate and I am wanting to become a public school teacher in the next year or so and this is the kind of thing that I feel could really screw me. I feel my fight or flight tendencies kicking in and unfortunately I fight. I am thankful when I found this out I had a friend who was awake who I got in touch with and helped me not do anything stupid like text the ex or something tonight and instead let me vent away.

Is this something that should be addressed with my lawyer? I really can not prove anything it is her word versus mine, unless I hack into email or facebook which is obviously not going to fly either. So do I just not fight it? It is beyond me that she could go there but I suppose it is projection.

I just want to scream and say What the heck is her problem she is so pathetic. I am so sick of the bullhit. I can't believe she actually would say and believe these things. Unreal, and then to think that these people may believe her is even more unreal. It is like a nightmare.

[Thunderstruck]

The projection is always very interesting to me. When they accuse you of having a PD, it must mean that somewhere deep down they think they have an issue but they're just flat out ignoring/denying.

My SO and I get called all sorts of things from my SO's uBPDx (at one point she called SO a narcissist and bipolar). I don't take them too seriously. The people who would believe her are people who have obviously never met SO or I.

Check with your local laws and your lawyer. I would think putting a court case together for slander/libel would be difficult. I'd be interested to hear how it goes, though. If I were you I'd probably start with a "Cease and Desist" letter from the lawyer. It'd be much cheaper.

[thisyoungdad]

Thanks. I didn't sleep much last night but I felt a little better today. The first thing I did was call my PT to make an appointment sooner than what was scheduled. The first thing that occurred to me was the wonderment of why I was so upset and care so much. So that is a good growth opportunity.

Then I was talking to a trusted advisor who knows me well enough and is a medically trained mental health professional as weel and I told her in brief what happened. She literally laughed out loud, reminded me that there is a saying that saying something about if you identify it you own it... . so in other words if she feels the need to slander me with this accusation it is most likely because she someplace knows it is true for her and can't cope. Anyway it made me feel better and to be reassured that I don't have BPD. That even what I would call the BPD tendencies I may have picked up she didn't agree with,she thought they were normal stress related issues given all that has been on my plate. She was not worried.

So that was helpful and reassuring. One thing I have been thinking about is something that is talked about all the time on here. People talk about how a person with BPD can say all kinds of things but their actions speak different. So that would apply to me. She can say anything, anyone can say anything but if my actions are not lining up to those accusations eventually things will unfold as they should. This goes with what a couple good friends keep telling me which is to stand firm being a man of integrity and when you get through this people will see the truth about you and if they can't they don't matter anyway.

The projection is hard and scary and really just craziness but I can at least feel some what more assured of my self, even if nothing else changes.

[hell0kitty]

I don't know what you can do legally, but I wanted to share that the reason I even found this page was because when my boyfriend's ex-BPD started her false accusations of abuse she started walking around in public carrying the book Stop Walking on Eggshells, so of course, I got a copy to see what it was all about, and in the page was her described as if it were written about her!

I was told later that she had been telling people that he was obviously BPD and most men with it are abusive and controlling.  Her accusations of BPD came and went, she still claims DV, but surprisingly, outside of this page, and a few docs and the therapist, most regular folks think when I say she is Borderline, that I mean she only has a slight personality disorder.  Most respond, "There is no borderline about it, she fully has something wrong with her!"

[livednlearned]

I'm reading Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists right now, and the tendency for people who are not NPD to think they are is so common there is a whole section on it. I know there are some differences between NPD and BPD, but I think they are similar enough that this is true for both:

"In my private practice, I am quite familiar with the tendency for self-reflective individuals to see themselves in a multitude of psychological descriptions and quickly become alarmed. The simple fact that you may be concerned about having some of these problems is a genuine indicator that you have an overall healthy sense of self."

Basically, the fact that you even consider your ex's accusations to have a grain of truth is a sign of psychological strength. The disordered individual is unable to take responsibility, and instead projects it on others.

It's been helpful for me to read about the strategies that N/BPD people use because it helps you recognize what they are doing to undermine your self esteem and self confidence, and in some cases, even your ability to think you are sane. It can be so deeply insidious and manipulative to be in r/s with pwBPD or NPD, and it takes a lot of work to figure out the dynamic. I think those of us who are nons are responsible for the codependence, and sometimes there are narcissistic traits involved in that dynamic, but when you start this work, try to focus on the tactics she is using to hurt you -- that will give you strength. Not just identifying those tactics, but learning to protect yourself from them and put up boundaries.

[thisyoungdad]

Thanks for posting that quote. I did talk later with my PT and in fact see him tomorrow, and he said the same thing once we talked more. He assured me I am not BPD, not showing tendencies of it even but rather just simply a frustrated individual learning how to manage what it is like to deal with someone who does have BPD. He assured me yet again that the fact I am so concerned, and that I ask to get insight promises that I am not. Our family therapist or child advocate told me recently that she has great respect for me and finds me one of the more self aware people she has ever met in 20 years of doing this work, especially for being 30. I just need to remember these things when she starts to say this stuff.

Yes I for sure have codependency issues I am looking at and working through and that is slowly helping me to put up boundaries. I can see where my "need" to be codependent kept me involved and at times keeps me going back. Thankfully my therapist assured me when we talked that while i may not see the progress it is indeed there and that those issues are slowly being worked through. Which I can see in that my reaction was not as strong and lasted less time than in the past. The journey of self discovery is painful sometimes.

hell0kitty---That book about walking on eggshells, that is the book! And that is the phrase that was being used. The ex was saying things like "I am so tired of walking on eggshells with him and his BPD tendencies" so thanks for that, honestly it kinda made me smile what you shared.