Alcoholism and Extreme Exercise as Coping Mechanisms

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I, too, have joined the ranks of mean, cruel, withholding, frigid wives.    H wants me to be the wild and crazy "girl" he met, and forgets that he isn't the rock-hard, studly "boy" I met.  

Yep-I dealt with this with my BPD ex too. He seemed really confident at the start and that attracted me-made me fall for him but when he became so clingy and moody etc etc, it obviously was a big turn off for me! I don't think people can act moody and verbally abusive and then expect you to sleep with them! I'm so glad you mention this! I felt so frustrated with this-I need to treated with respect... . it's only a basic thing!

[musicfan42]

I, too, have joined the ranks of mean, cruel, withholding, frigid wives.    H wants me to be the wild and crazy "girl" he met, and forgets that he isn't the rock-hard, studly "boy" I met.  

Yep-I dealt with this with my BPD ex too. He seemed really confident at the start and that attracted me-made me fall for him but when he became so clingy and moody etc etc, it obviously was a big turn off for me! I don't think people can act moody and verbally abusive and then expect you to sleep with them! I'm so glad you mention this! I felt so frustrated with this-I need to treated with respect... . it's only a basic thing!

[dimples2]

I, too, have joined the ranks of mean, cruel, withholding, frigid wives.    H wants me to be the wild and crazy "girl" he met, and forgets that he isn't the rock-hard, studly "boy" I met.  

Yep-I dealt with this with my BPD ex too. He seemed really confident at the start and that attracted me-made me fall for him but when he became so clingy and moody etc etc, it obviously was a big turn off for me! I don't think people can act moody and verbally abusive and then expect you to sleep with them! I'm so glad you mention this! I felt so frustrated with this-I need to treated with respect... . it's only a basic thing!

While my husband is exercising like a crazy man and is down to the weight he was at when I met him, but I totally agree with the clingy (today) and moody (2 days ago) behaviours being a huge turn-off. He calls it "the new nasty me". He constantly praises my looks - and I mean constantly - but I just don't feel the same way I used to. Then he gets upset when he doesn't get what he wants and tells me I can't take a compliment. Well, I could take a sincere one but it's always about what he wants and of course making me feel guilty has been a successful strategy of his in the past.

[dimples2]

An addict, much like a PD, tends to only admit to their addiction (or disorder) AND meaningfully seek and engage in therapy, when they bottom out.  For some, their 'bottom' isn't too bad.  For others - yeesh - it is very bad (like me).  Nobody could have persuaded me to admit to alcoholism AND meaningfully engage in therapy prior to me bottoming out.  And I have an enormous arsenal of excuses to drink.  Staying does not mean he will not drink.  Leaving does not mean he will drink.  If he drinks, that is his choice.  Just like a PD can choose therapy and a healthy emotional life, an addict can choose AA and a healthy & sober life.  PD's frequently become addicts, and they still have those choices.  I am codep AND an (alcohol) addict, and my choices are mine alone, not my wife's.  If she did not 'provide' me with an excuse to drink, I have a million other 'justifications'.

Take good care of you.  That is the best way to be in a good place to help others, and to find and build a healthy relationship.

Hi Jason, I've heard about this bottoming out so many times over the years, but when you wrote that it finally sank in. My husband, who has had 48 hours alone at our place up north and I know is not coping well because he's alone with his thoughts (and it's raining so he can't ride 100+ miles on his bike today) has just called and said "I think we're going through a phase because I'm semi-retired." I told him I had no idea what he was talking about. Unbelievable that a guy who has admitted to needing psychiatric help many times in the past, promised to get therapy over and over after one of his rages, drinking binges etc. has minimized it to "a phase" attributed to the fact he doesn't need to work as many hours as he used to? This is a man who needs a reality check - I know that me sticking around because I'm worried he'll get worse (mainly I worry about how it would affect our 3 teenagers) is allowing him to maintain the facade in front of his employees, friends, etc. It's so hard though when he calls today all lovely-dovey and missing me when he was so impatient and angry two days ago. I used to think "he's finally learned, he's reflected on his behaviour, he'll follow through this time; but of course he never does because I don't change). At least I haven't reverted back to my typical patterns of being grateful he wasn't in a peaceful stage.

In regards to the other comments about different "drugs" and "fads" I can certainly relate to those as well. My husband has taken a variety of meds for anxiety, allergies, bladder issues (his dr. friend believes this is more anxiety while my husband insists he goes so often because he has a "genetically small bladder". He claims he always gets all of the worst side effects for everything so now he's trying not to take anything but the anxiety and bladder meds. His coffee consumption is way up too. And fads - every day it seems he has a new business idea or invention that's "the best" and is going to make millions. He talks about it constantly and then if the idea goes nowhere, it seems to burn itself out and he moves on to something else. He gets away with it because he has been successful with his company. He doesn't even seem to notice when I can't listen anymore. I think that talking constantly is one way he quiets his inner demons.

I realized that I accidentally deleted the quote portion when I was trying to select a portion of the previous post to respond to. So, the quote i used is mixed in with my response. My comment begins with "Hi Jason". Sorry, for any confusion everyone!

[musicfan42]

While my husband is exercising like a crazy man and is down to the weight he was at when I met him, but I totally agree with the clingy (today) and moody (2 days ago) behaviours being a huge turn-off. He calls it "the new nasty me". He constantly praises my looks - and I mean constantly - but I just don't feel the same way I used to. Then he gets upset when he doesn't get what he wants and tells me I can't take a compliment. Well, I could take a sincere one but it's always about what he wants and of course making me feel guilty has been a successful strategy of his in the past.

... . I can relate to "the new nasty me" thing. I was assertive with my BPD ex and that drove him mad! He called me "abusive" when he was being verbally abusive, "narcissistic" when he was being incredibly self-indulgent... .  I wasn't that assertive initially though so back then, he put me on a pedestal-treated me like a mother figure that could save him and then when I started being assertive with him, he realised that I wasn't going to save him and got into a childish sulk basically for the rest of the relationship.

It irritates me when I look back and realise that I was manipulated but at the same time, it's made me very savvy around other manipulative people. I know that they're just pulling this "I'm a helpless person" act to elicit attention/sympathy etc. I don't fall for it with anyone anymore because I think "yeah you had a bad childhood etc but at the same time, it is 2013... . you have to deal with the present... . you can't be looking back at the past all the time." I feel like I have to take people as they are today in 2013 and not make up stupid excuses for them because something happened to them back in the day-I had to learn that the hard way though!

I know what you mean about compliments-I hate people trying to butter me up just to get something off me! It doesn't feel sincere at all so it puts me in a defensive type of mood.

I just don't think my BPD ex recognised that I had needs separate to his own so in that respect, I think that borderlines are very narcissistic. He didn't recognise that I needed space by myself to do my own thing. He didn't want me giving my own opinion but of course it was fine for him to say whatever he wanted to him. It was all just rules to suit himself!

My BPD ex was physically attractive, looked good for his age but he'd go on about calories etc and it got annoying very quickly. I felt that he was obsessed... . went on about how sugar was so bad etc. He had good intentions admittedly-he felt that staying on a healthy diet helped his mood swings but in reality, he still had mood swings... . healthy diet alone was just not cutting it for him! I was a bit irritated with the extremist position he took to sugar-I tried to tell him that it was fine in moderation but of course "moderation" was not a word in his vocabulary!

[SadWifeofBPD]

Then all this crap interferes with sexual function, then he takes something for that (which often doesn't work because of the other crap he's taking).  Then he'll rage that we're not having sex often enough and that it's all my fault!  Of course, he tells everyone that I "deny" him sex, but the truth is that he often can't perform... . and he certainly does NOT tell people THAT.  So, again, I end up looking like some kind of mean, cruel, withholding, frigid wife.

SadWifeofBPD  I don't deal w the issue of meds to wake up and meds to sleep - H is afraid he will get "addicted."   Alcohol is his drug of choice.  :)ue to his diabetes and alcoholism we deal w ED.  The commercials on TV make it almost seem fun and romantic, but Yikes! it has been really bad news for our already challenging relationship!  I, too, have joined the ranks of mean, cruel, withholding, frigid wives.    H wants me to be the wild and crazy "girl" he met, and forgets that he isn't the rock-hard, studly "boy" I met.  

I would imagine that this is a challenging issue for healthy relationships, so throw in a little BPD and alcohol / drugs, mix well and ... . scary monsters come out from under the bed!

I hear you.

Yes, those ED meds do play havoc in "healthy marriages."  I've heard women complain that their H's want sex all the time once they're on those meds.

And yes, once you add BPD and/or Alcoholism (or other addictions/meds) into the equation, you have a disaster. H would take those "blue little pills" and expect his old youthful self to emerge. But, alas, oftentimes the result would be very short-lived or nothing at all.

A day or two later I would be blamed that we hadn't had sex in a week (or more), but the truth is... . he wasn't the "rock-hard studly" man I married 28 years ago... . not even close.