Dealing with extended family that are blind to BPD's behavior

[Depression = 72% of members]

I need some advice. Maybe I am asking the impossible but still will try. My BPD DIL is strategically going to each extended family member and weaving her web of deceit. For the most part the family that is here is now becoming clearer of mind and avoiding her or just keeping it superficial when in her vicinity to avoid her negative moods. But my husband's family is in another state and they don't seem to understand what we are going through. They encourage her and tell her how wonderful she is in spite of all the horrible things she has done to the family and they know all about it. What does a person do when you have this to deal with without causing a family war? They continue to hurt my husband and don't seem to care. The borderline's behavior is so unreal that most people until they become the recipients of the pain think you are telling tales. Does a person ignore it or do you try to explain to these people that what they are doing is really making life harder on us? When she feels she has some support she kicks up the attack and you never know what is coming or when it will hit. I know that when we rely what she has done for the past 10 years people just look at you like no human being can do those kinds of things but they did and continue to happen. What is a person to do? I know there probably isn't any cut and dried answer but even the support of knowing that others have gone through the same helps. UGH! some days are harder than others!

[cpatlew]

I need some advice. Maybe I am asking the impossible but still will try. My BPD DIL is strategically going to each extended family member and weaving her web of deceit. For the most part the family that is here is now becoming clearer of mind and avoiding her or just keeping it superficial when in her vicinity to avoid her negative moods. But my husband's family is in another state and they don't seem to understand what we are going through. They encourage her and tell her how wonderful she is in spite of all the horrible things she has done to the family and they know all about it. What does a person do when you have this to deal with without causing a family war? They continue to hurt my husband and don't seem to care. The borderline's behavior is so unreal that most people until they become the recipients of the pain think you are telling tales. Does a person ignore it or do you try to explain to these people that what they are doing is really making life harder on us? When she feels she has some support she kicks up the attack and you never know what is coming or when it will hit. I know that when we rely what she has done for the past 10 years people just look at you like no human being can do those kinds of things but they did and continue to happen. What is a person to do? I know there probably isn't any cut and dried answer but even the support of knowing that others have gone through the same helps. UGH! some days are harder than others!

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, cpatlew... . I'm not sure if I have any good advice for you, but I can tell you that you are not alone in this type of situation. For the past almost 10 years my husband I were dealing with the exact same scenario, but just on a lesser scale (my DIL is probably uBPD, but not as bad as yours). Anyhow, for all those years we suffered in silence; both sides of our family really love her (and she IS lovable... . We love her too!), and we had no interest in interfering in the relationship she and my son had with other family members. We decided to suffer in silence, and just did what we had to, to keep the peace.

Something happened a few months ago which resulted in DIL raging at my Mom, which was the first time myself or my husband were not the only recipients of such an event. Little by little, family members on my side of the family started seeing what we saw, and recently I had to break my silence and clue them into what the last many years have been like for us, to end their confusion. Since they were all my family, and trust my word and care about my well-being, there was no questioning my veracity. Subsequently, applying all the communication tools I've learned here, our relationship with our son & DIL has improved very much, and my family is relieved to see that happening and everyone is one big happy family (for now, at least!).

Now, I wonder why your Husband's family isn't coming to his defense? Do they trust his word? Are they loyal to him at all? Has he actually communicated with anyone in his family, himself? I know if (and that's a big if; my H's Mom is uBPD herself, and we wouldn't trust her at all with any details of our troubles with DIL; it would make its way to DIL in a flash, in order for my uBPD MIL to split us all up into little pieces!) we were ever to decide to talk to his family, he would have to do that himself. They don't have the loyalty to me or the faith in my word as much as my own family does. And besides, unlike my own family who has now seen a glimpse of what we go through, my H's family has not.

You say your H's family is continuing to hurt him over this; do they really have an understanding of exactly what is going on? Has he shared enough with them for them to really get it? Just curious... . Other than that, right now I've got no idea of how to fix that... . But, I do commiserate with this situation; it stinks and I only recently changed that with my own family after so many years, and boy! That does feel good... . I hope there is a way for your Husband to find that relief, also... .

[cpatlew]

Thanks Rapt Reader for your insight. To answer a few questions... . Not all my family is on board. I have what I suspect a uBPD father. All signs point in that direction. When he feels rejection he lashes out looking for the one way to hurt you. Years of fearing his outburst, threatening suicide, constant degrading us, then when he was done now you are suppose to love him and forget it happened). He did the same to my brother (who has two sons that married uBPDs). He goes for the women and lavishes attention on them and our sons to let them know he supports them. Coming to terms with our father has been difficult, but my brother and I are doing a pretty good job considering. The other members of my family are coming around. We had to remain quiet and allow them to see for themselves. Now they come to us when they observe her behavior and how our son is almost like a zombie with her. I think my son is starting to see he doesn't have the backing to keep her happy. Alone he is going to have to come up with a better solution.

My husband comes from a highly dysfunctional family. His mother has been married three times and all three times the men leave her. His brother is an alcoholic and has married a woman with bipolar and it looks like uBPD. She has been hospitalized numerous times (lies, self harm, outburst, etc.). He has attempted to explain what is going on personally and removed me from the equation but to no avail. They both seem to have kicked up the campaign to make her feel that we are the bad guys and they are the good guys. This leads me to believe they understand more that they let on. You know good versus bad.

It is funny but typing this and making sure it reads correctly I find myself think, "wow, this is unreal!" Funny how so much dysfunction can occur in a couple of families. I am glad my husband and I both seeked counseling and got a lot of our childhood issues resolved. Of course, everything is always a work in progress. This site helps you feel not alone.

[Kwamina]

Hi cpatlew  

I see you already joined this site a while ago but I'd still like to give you a warm welcome!  

I have what I suspect a uBPD father. All signs point in that direction. When he feels rejection he lashes out looking for the one way to hurt you. Years of fearing his outburst, threatening suicide, constant degrading us, then when he was done now you are suppose to love him and forget it happened).

Yep, this sounds like an aspect of BPD to me. My mother was just like this, not only did she hurt me but she was really searching for the way she could truly break my spirit. I recall several instances that it really felt like something was breaking inside of me. A surreal experience but that was really what it felt like. I'm still trying to put the pieces back together but like you say, it ain't easy. I'm glad you feel like you and your brother are able to at least heal some of the hurt while coming to terms with the way your father treated you. Thanks for sharing your story and I hope you continue your healing  

[Calsun]

Hi cpatlew,

Thanks for your sharing.  I can relate to the way in which my uBPD mother tried to look for an area of vulnerability to exploit and the irrepressible way that she tried to break my spirit. She had the spirit of a killer and I feared for my spirit and my life from my mother. What a conflict, to look for love and support and nurturing as a child from the same person who is trying to destroy you.

When I was growing up, extended family played a keen role in enabling my mother's abuse of me.  I had an aunt who would say when my mother became "excited,"  you have to help your mother, you have to do things for her.  Rather than addressing her dysregulation or communicating to me and to my siblings that my mother was ill, abusive and unstable, she reinforced the idea that we were lazy, bad kids who didn't care about our mother enough and that we could change her BPD behaviors if we were better kids.  My sister takes care of my uBPD mother in her old age, and she is still getting scorn from extended family that she is not doing enough for my mother.

Members of my extended family are part of the system and have their own degree of unhealth.   And some of them have not seen my mother's behavior.  When I was young, my mother would say that people only liked me because they didn't know me, if they really knew me, they wouldn't like me.  Now, that is an incredible act of projection.  That statement was true about her, not about me.   She was a monster at home, but in public she looked mild and nice.  But the BPD gets you on the defensive (best defense is a good offense:  accuse others of what you are guilty), feeling as though you have to address their crazy, distorted projections.  And the behavior for a mother is so outlandish that no one can believe that any human being would do those things, let alone a mother.  It's a terrible feeling of loneliness when people cannot believe what you experienced and the other people in your home can't remember or deny it.  What loneliness.

It is also painfully difficult and a violation of our rights to be defamed, to be falsely characterized.  This is one of the reasons why we have laws protecting us from defamation because our character and reputation is precious to us and because when defamatory remarks are made others might believe them and hence damage out good names and reputations. The BPD in her dysreguation and instability has no regard for that precious right, usurps boundaries and is a masterful manipulator.

It does help to share this with people who have experienced just how such crazy and harmful behavior can come if the person has BPD.

Calsun