Taking It So Hard

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am a wreck, a complete mess. I cannot stop sobbing, except when I am out walking and talking to myself like a crazy person. Walking obsessively is the only thing that makes me feel even a little bit better.

My beloved partner has turned into a stranger. The woman who was once closer to me than my own skin has betrayed me, abandoned our love and the 10 years we spent together. I have become an enemy. We barely interact anymore and she makes sure she is very rarely at home. She does not email, text or call. I have no idea where she is, where she goes or what she does. Everyone in our lives is just shocked by what is happening. We were always so close, inseparable really, and she was always holding my hand or putting her arm around my waist. The intimacy we shared was palpable and we were so happy, once.

I am really struggling and I'm really isolated. I have lost the most important person in my life, in a sudden and incredibly hurtful way. After 10 years, she abandoned me. I thought I was safe! I am left with one very close friend, my sister, her two kids, my mom (which is a messy relationship too) and a few new acquaintances from the 12 step meetings I attend pretty much every weekday. I do work, but I am a teacher and it is summer vacations so I do nothing but stare at the walls, sob until I can't breathe and think about how wonderful it would be to have my relationship back.

It is bad enough that I am starting to have fleeting thoughts of killing myself. I don't think I would actually make an attempt but this pain is just unbearable. I can't stand this for much longer.

Thank you for listening. I just don't know what to do. I still love her so much despite everything and I would give anything to have her back.

[cult]

I am a wreck, a complete mess. I cannot stop sobbing, except when I am out walking and talking to myself like a crazy person. Walking obsessively is the only thing that makes me feel even a little bit better.

My beloved partner has turned into a stranger. The woman who was once closer to me than my own skin has betrayed me, abandoned our love and the 10 years we spent together. I have become an enemy. We barely interact anymore and she makes sure she is very rarely at home. She does not email, text or call. I have no idea where she is, where she goes or what she does. Everyone in our lives is just shocked by what is happening. We were always so close, inseparable really, and she was always holding my hand or putting her arm around my waist. The intimacy we shared was palpable and we were so happy, once.

I am really struggling and I'm really isolated. I have lost the most important person in my life, in a sudden and incredibly hurtful way. After 10 years, she abandoned me. I thought I was safe! I am left with one very close friend, my sister, her two kids, my mom (which is a messy relationship too) and a few new acquaintances from the 12 step meetings I attend pretty much every weekday. I do work, but I am a teacher and it is summer vacations so I do nothing but stare at the walls, sob until I can't breathe and think about how wonderful it would be to have my relationship back.

It is bad enough that I am starting to have fleeting thoughts of killing myself. I don't think I would actually make an attempt but this pain is just unbearable. I can't stand this for much longer.

Thank you for listening. I just don't know what to do. I still love her so much despite everything and I would give anything to have her back.

[Tired68]

Cult this is so wierd but i just inboxed messaged you! just this minute! I am feeling the same way!, she has not called me or reached out at all and her sister text me the other day to ask me what was going on with the house and I told her sister to have her call me , and she said " she wants me to handle it" omg are you serious! what did I do wrong? I cannot believe it either, yes I too dont want to wake up in the morning, we were so close , so in love, we have tattoo's of eachothers lips on our bodies... . this is the worse break up ever and we are married, she dont even take that serious. she is moving to milwaukee and i am left behind high and dry!

[Tired68]

I also read a blog last night that the no contact is a form of silent treatment , they know its gets under our skin and they use it as a form of punishment for our making them feel bad about something. To basically keep us hanging around... .

[mango_flower]

Hey

Breathe

I could have written this post 8 months ago. Nothing made sense. I was in a daze, I would have given my life just to have her back for one day. If you don't believe me, read some of my first posts here.  I can feel every ounce of your pain.

You're not alone.

It gets easier, I PROMISE you.  I'm coping.  I still miss her but it's not as raw. Please believe me, it gets better.  I know right now you feel dazed, confused, stunned and shell shocked, like you can't live without her.

It's not an easy path, but you WILL get there.  Read here, connect, know you are not alone.  Thousands of us have walked this path before you.  I do know that you'll be shaking your head thinking "You don't GET IT! You don't know how much I loved her!  She was my life!".  That's what I thought too... . but you'll get some incredible understanding and insight here.

I wish I had the words to make this better for you,but I don't.  Just know you're not, and never will be, alone x

[eniale]

Hang in there!  This is truly the most painful part.  I know you feel you will never recover, and it will take time, but you will gradually stop obsessing.  I was exactly where you are last Feb.  I wrote everything down, furiously; that was my first therapy.  I got it all out.  There was a week before I could see a therapist and it was a week spent writing all my thoughts, every day, all the "what ifs", etc. If you haven't got a therapist yet, get one right away.  If your ex was diagnosed as BPD, get T that specializes in this.  If your ex was a pwBPD, a Trauma Bond was formed.  Google it.  Research it.  It makes a breakup, always painful, so much more painful.  My ex never apologized for his outrageous duplicity.  The deceit was beyond anything I could imagine; therefor the hurt was beyond anything I had ever encountered or imagined.  Read all you can on this subject.  These are really sick people; once they get inside your heads (and your heart) it will take a lot of hard work to get them out -- and that is where they need to be.  The great love you probably still feel is what is causing you to hurt so, and this is the Trauma Bond.  They are masters of the cat & mouse game.  NC (no contact) is best for your mental health.  Most will try to keep coming back into your life.  Read all you can, this site helped me a lot, especially in the beginning.  Google Trauma Bond.  It explains why the hurt is so great, the bond so powerful.  I went from obsessing about him constantly 4 months ago to hardly thinking of him now.  But it takes time -- the first month is sheer hell, the second month a little less painful, for many, by the third month they are starting to recover a sense of self, by the 4th month many are feeling ever so much better -- but beware, that is when my ex made contact with me!  I briefly responded, never should have, all I got from him was more pain so I ended it.  Now I am back to recovery a second time, but much faster this time, although I realize he did do some damage, even that brief series of contacts.  And that is why I know how powerful the Trauma Bond is.  Although you are suffering greatly now, it will get better, remember others have experienced similar pain and you will find support on here. Best of luck to you.

[Tired68]

I inboxed you again... .

[bpdspell]

Hang in there!  This is truly the most painful part.  I know you feel you will never recover, and it will take time, but you will gradually stop obsessing.  I was exactly where you are last Feb.  I wrote everything down, furiously; that was my first therapy.  I got it all out.  There was a week before I could see a therapist and it was a week spent writing all my thoughts, every day, all the "what ifs", etc. If you haven't got a therapist yet, get one right away.  If your ex was diagnosed as BPD, get T that specializes in this.  If your ex was a pwBPD, a Trauma Bond was formed.  Google it.  Research it.  It makes a breakup, always painful, so much more painful.  My ex never apologized for his outrageous duplicity.  The deceit was beyond anything I could imagine; therefor the hurt was beyond anything I had ever encountered or imagined.  Read all you can on this subject.  These are really sick people; once they get inside your heads (and your heart) it will take a lot of hard work to get them out -- and that is where they need to be.  The great love you probably still feel is what is causing you to hurt so, and this is the Trauma Bond.  They are masters of the cat & mouse game.  NC (no contact) is best for your mental health.  Most will try to keep coming back into your life.  Read all you can, this site helped me a lot, especially in the beginning.  Google Trauma Bond.  It explains why the hurt is so great, the bond so powerful.  I went from obsessing about him constantly 4 months ago to hardly thinking of him now.  But it takes time -- the first month is sheer hell, the second month a little less painful, for many, by the third month they are starting to recover a sense of self, by the 4th month many are feeling ever so much better -- but beware, that is when my ex made contact with me!  I briefly responded, never should have, all I got from him was more pain so I ended it.  Now I am back to recovery a second time, but much faster this time, although I realize he did do some damage, even that brief series of contacts.  And that is why I know how powerful the Trauma Bond is.  Although you are suffering greatly now, it will get better, remember others have experienced similar pain and you will find support on here. Best of luck to you.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Cult... . yes... . this is the tough part of the journey... . dealing with the dark times but you are strong and you will survive this. Eniale is spot on. You are in the midst withdrawal from your trauma bond. I too remember having thoughts of not wanting to live. I reached out to this board and it saved my life. The compassion from others on here who were in the trenches is invaluable. You are not alone in this struggle. Your life will get better. Journal, get a therapist, exercise, spend time with your sister, nieces/nephews or do something you've always wanted to do.  Post on here and read.

Remember that you will always have support here. Private message me if you need to. And know that there are people in this world who give a damn and care.

Spell

[cult]

Thank you all for the replies. I am doing a little better now after reaching my close friend on the phone and connecting with a new therapist. I have an appointment for next week. I am back at the apartment we share. She called a couple of times before I arrived home, I returned her calls but we missed each other. She is like a drug to me at this point, I crave her even though she is, at this point, toxic to me. I do believe I have formed a deep and dark trauma bond with her particularly over the past three months when she began to abandon me. The intermittent reinforcement really did a number on me. Back in the beginning things were NOT like this, in fact, that was why I felt so positive about this R/S when it began and why I felt so safe and comfortable letting down my guard and allowing her into my heart so deeply. Anyone who has been following my story knows that it has been very bad this year and my ex went through some terrible times having nothing to do with me or the r/s. I cannot lie though, the r/s was not structurally sound and would have needed massive repair work to be sustainable. I was ready and willing and probably would have felt much of the same pain I am feeling now. Still i was willing, But she is not, and chose to leave instead.

[Hurtbad]

Cult,

Everytime I see a post like yours I stop what I am doing to try and do whatever I can to help the way people here helped me.  Yes, it is horrible and almost unbelievable.  We... . most of us... . have similar stories.  I did not know anything could hurt this much, and I did not believe I would ever stop obsessing.  Well, I still have some bad days, but I have my life again, and I am doing much better.  It really does get better.  Don't be offended, but you might want to talk to a professional, especially if you feel that your life is not worth living.  I have done so myself, and the combination of this site and therapy helps.  You are feeling that this is one of the worst things that can happen to you because it is.  I mention this because you are not alone.  Stay strong, hang tough and know that we here care.

Hurtbad

[Hurtbad]

Oh... . my bad... . I see you do have a therapist.  I scrolled over that post... . sorry.   

[delusionalxox]

Hi Hurtbad

I am close to where you are right now. Just starting to slowly pull myself out of the deep pit of despair since ex turned the tables on me, painted me black, withdrew his promise of eternal friendship for me and then left me pregnant and completely on my own- without a word except to complain about how I had damaged HIM.

It's a hurt, pain and shame too big to process and at the moment I am in the stage of seeing the hollowness that our 'friendship'/'relationship' really was and alternately pitying and berating myself for it. I still can't quite blame him, although the sense that what he has done re the pregnancy is appalling, is growing rather than receding. And with it a slow burning anger I cannot handle. I want him to acknowledge what he did to me, after everything I gave (a lot of money, time energy I don't have in an already troubled life). There will be no closure. There will be no apology, no human concern. As far as he is concerned everything is my fault for being a 'psycho' and 'damaging' him so terribly.

So I am still feeling extremely shaky and sort of hollowed out. In the first two weeks particularly when pregnant and going through the abortion I felt as if I had been stabbed in the heart. I felt as if every cell in my body was dying one by one. Dramatic eh? :D but I really felt it all. I woke every hour in the night panicking, and then remembrance would fall on me like a guillotine coming down to slice me in half.

I have never known such pain, combined with a toxic anger and shame that makes us feel it is all our own fault, our own poison, and elevates the person who has wounded us to the status of some sort of cruel god!

I think it can only be got through. i am slightly better today. Have seen some friends. Contemplating work, ebay, all the old things I used to do before he blasted all human reason from my brain!

But I still feel hollow, full of self doubt, ruminating, longing for a response from the wanker who doesn't even see me as a person.

If you want to vent any time, please pm me, these boards and other people suffering the same thing have helped me no end. xxx

[Hurtbad]

Servalan83

I like the wanker term;  I used to date a Brit who called me that all the time .  I presume you are from the UK or of that fine country.

Wow, left you pregnant and then booked.   I really feel for you.  The one thing that stands out is your sense of shame.  You have nothing to be ashamed of!  If your head is spinning, as mine has, from the incomprehensible behavior of someone you loved and thought you new, it is because you opened yourself up to love.  Even now, one thing I will never regret is taking the risk of being a fool, or being hurt, as horrible as it is.  Without it, life would be a limited experience governed by timidity. Be proud that you were out there.  I am only now reminding myself of this.  You too, I think, have to look in the mirror and see a women who put it out there ands got burned.  Again, I know this does not answer the question of why this hurts so much, or how someone can be so unfeeling when we are so devastated.  The answers are not easy, and some of them need to be answered by clinicians.

BTW:  I too am doing the things I used to love a bit more.  Getting to my unread books sorting out my library, playing hockey and flying.  I am finally cleaning put my garage.

I am not deluded. I will have more bad days and will take you up on venting.  Getting over this grief is a fairly long term process.  BTW2:  Is PMing a different way to text/post?  I never know if my message is getting through. 

Thanks for caring.  xxx right back at you.

[pari]

She is like a drug to me at this point, I crave her even though she is, at this point, toxic to me.

Those were the exact same thoughts I had few weeks back. I thought I was addicted to my ex, he was like a drug. I craved for him when he wasn't around. When he was with me, we drove each other crazy, like a toxic drug.

Together we were awesome, just like how you describe it. Something happened after an year and I continued to live a life of hell for few months, was recycled multiple times. I was loosing my sanity and even thought about ending my life as I couldn't take it anymore. He made me believe that I was crazy and was driving him crazy. He was everything I ever wanted, sans the disorder.

It's not easy. You are not in control of your own emotions, she is. And this was an alarm for me. Stop looking for her, Look out for yourself. Time heals. Spending less time with him, taking care of myself, talking to friends, T, writing all helped me in seeing the reality.

Make use of the advice given here. Find Peace.

[babyducks]

Cult,

I am so sorry you are going through this.   As others have said a break up with a pwBPD is not like any other break up.   Just like there are very identifiable patterns in a BPD r/s, there is a very recognizable pattern to surviving the shattering of the trauma bond.  So when we here say it gets better you can take that to the bank.   It does.

It is incredibly difficult to not ruminate on what has just happened.   I know my first month I walked miles, literally and tried to force the thoughts of her out of my head.   Thought stopping is a technique that I really had to practice.  When I thought of her,  I stopped and deliberately turned my head into a different direction.  Being religious I would sometimes offer up a prayer.   Something short, like "I bless her,  I thank her,  I release her".   If I was angry, which I very often was,  I would stop the run away thoughts by mentally taking the thought,  imagining myself placing it in a cannon, and fantasizing blowing the thought to kingdom come.   Find an image that works for you.   And practice it.  There were some very bad days where I was thought stopping about 50 times an hour.  Its a step to get control back of your own life.  Try it.

I noticed in your first post you said

We were always so close, inseparable really, and she was always holding my hand or putting her arm around my waist

Yeah mine did that too.   What I came to figure out about that,  when my Ex did that she was using external methods to regulate her own emotions.  I don't say this to be cruel but it had very little to do with me, and a lot to do with how she provided herself emotional ballast.   That's why she could turn it off so quickly.   When it stopped working for her I was no longer a valued object.  I thought the touching was a display of affection,  it was more a display of her fear.   

You may read this and think I have absolutely flipped my lid.  And I wouldn't blame you a bit.  But this break up has the potential to be a gift.   Great pain drives us to do great things.   From here in this place of being incredibly low we can learn, and grow and become better more compassionate, aware, sensitive human beings.   Our EX's can't.   Their emotional maturity and coping skills keep them stuck walking in the same rut over and over again.   

Now is a time to be gentle with yourself.   You deserve time to heal.  And it takes as long as it takes.  Relax, walk, and find one thing,  one small thing to do good for cult today.

babyducks

[Take2]

She is like a drug to me at this point, I crave her even though she is, at this point, toxic to me.

Those were the exact same thoughts I had few weeks back. I thought I was addicted to my ex, he was like a drug. I craved for him when he wasn't around. When he was with me, we drove each other crazy, like a toxic drug.

Together we were awesome, just like how you describe it. Something happened after an year and I continued to live a life of hell for few months, was recycled multiple times. I was loosing my sanity and even thought about ending my life as I couldn't take it anymore. He made me believe that I was crazy and was driving him crazy. He was everything I ever wanted, sans the disorder.

Ditto.  Everything. 

You may read this and think I have absolutely flipped my lid.  And I wouldn't blame you a bit.  But this break up has the potential to be a gift.   Great pain drives us to do great things.   From here in this place of being incredibly low we can learn, and grow and become better more compassionate, aware, sensitive human beings.   Our EX's can't.   Their emotional maturity and coping skills keep them stuck walking in the same rut over and over again.   

I truly hope this to be true for us.  And for our ex's and it pains me that it probably won't... .