Why am I so MAD

[xanderess]

I just found this site a few days ago and it is helping alot , However is it normal to be filled with rage ? I feel like my mother w uBPD has ruined my life for her own selfish needs . I do realize this is a sickness but Just thinking about seeing or talking to her I am on fire mad . I do not want to feel this way it will only make things worse because I am never aloud to be angry around her . I feel like she stole my life for hers . I could have had a better life , My children could have been happier , and so on ... . But then my sweet husband says what could have been is gone , what can be is here !  I know he is right but I still am angry .

                          Is this something everyone goes through and it will pass ? 

         How do I let go of the anger ?

[brebegone]

I understand the rage.  You are mad because you see how this uBPD in your life highly affected it and not in a good way.  The possibility of cutting of contact until you have come to terms with the rage may be a good thing for you to help diminish the anger you feel towards her. 

When I first found out about BPD by reading "Walking on Eggshells" I felt the anger too.  Why couldn't she control it? What was so bad about me? Why was it all directed at me? Just a few questions I came up with at first.  For me it is slowly ebbing away as I learn more about BPD and how I can cope with it.  It takes time and I even have toyed with the idea of seeing a therapist which might be something to consider to have someone outside the situation to discuss your anger and rage with. 

It will pass. Letting out the anger on here as well is very helpful!

[hoping4hope]

I would like to scream and scream just in absolute frustration at the situation. Apparently this is not a healthy way to deal with anger and it scares the dog.    Okay, I haven't actually screamed, just imagined it. 

ANGER, that this illness breeds itself into the next generation genetically and by triggering the genetic disposition by raising the child in a stressful environment.  A perfect self-perpetuating illness.

Diabolical.   

[Suzn]

Anger can indeed be a catylist for growth. For me, I realized it was all the hurt bottled up for so long. It's ok to feel angry here, it will change. All emotions do. It did push me to examine my values, to decide what I can live with and what I can live without. So it helped me learn where to place boundaires, for me.

It's a very good point that unhealthy behaviors/coping skills can be passed down through generations. Your H is right, you have a do over in a way, something your mother never got. You get to chose and learn more about healthy ways to cope, those will be seen by your children and they will likely follow your lead. You will break any possibilities of this cycle.  

[hoping4hope]

And lots of people who are children of BPD do not have BPD, it is just what I am dealing with now.

If you're thinking of going to therapy that is a great idea.  Think of it as a mental car accident,  you'd go to the doctor if you got hit by a car right? Well your emotions have been repeatedly run over. Same thing, different part of the body.

[zone out]

Anger and resentment - I'm well familiar with.  Particularly resentment that my uBPD mother has controlled my life with her moods (I have spent a lot of my life feeling like a puppet with her controlling the strings).  Her issues and problems have always become mine.  If I am honest I probably feel some anger towards myself for letting her have such control but I only recently became aware of this condition and found this site - prior to that I just did not have the tools to handle her.  I think a lot of the anger we feel is from repressed emotion as well - having all sorts of junk vented on us without being able to defend ourselves or speak back to avoid inflaming the rage.

I don't want to become bitter like her and overly focused on what has been at the expense of the hear and now.  I have been reading up on mindfulness on this site and think it will be really helpful. The desire not to be like her in any way ... . she starts quite a few sentences with her regrets ... . is enough to motivate me to deal with the anger and resentment before it starts to fester.  Not sure how yet, but I have learned so much in my short time on the site so far.  I too have worried that I should have had more time and energy for my own children but their father made up for it.

Zone out

[Calsun]

Hi Xanderess,

Thanks for sharing.  Sorry to hear that you are going through this.  I grew up with a mother who has all of the symptoms of an uBPD.  And I have felt a lot of rage, for certain.  The treatment from my borderline mother was rageful, violent and egregious.  And it should never have gone on and should never have been allowed to proceed once it started.   

And I expressed a lot of rage once I realized how much was done to me and how betrayed I really was. However natural it is to feel it because of the injustice,  I think the rage becomes hurtful to ourselves emotionally, spiritually and physically.  I think it contributes to physical disease.  And it creates a cycle of oppressive connection to the abuser that is injurious in the end to our lives.

I think the connection with loving people, doing meditation or yoga or just working through the issues with a supportive and nurturing therapist is far more productive and healthy for us than just venting the rage.  My experience is that the cathartic therapies and the psychodrama stuff perpetuate the cycle and can be harmful.  Just my experience.  Far better to be resourced from loving and healing connection, to bring to memory people in our lives or in our childhood who really were loving and supportive and resourcing, to meditate on that, instead of meditating on the abuse from the BPD.  To do healing and nurturing and kind things for yourself, things you enjoy that feed your soul.

In my experience, the rage comes from fear and pain and frustration, an attempt to make us whole, to feel powerful when we feel powerless.  And that's what the BPD was trying to do when she raged.  But did it ever work for the BPD?  Did the raging ever really solve the problem for the BPD, make her feel better, did it ever manage to get it all out?  Never did with my mother.  And it never did with me.  When I started to really turn to loving, healing environments, focus on the good, that's when so much of that rage started to dissipate.  And I started to feel better, little by little.  And with detachment, I even am feeling more compassion for my mother who has suffered tremendously.

It doesn't mean that we cover up or deny what was done or the injustice of it, but for me it is the only creative way to really approach it and to heal.  The rage and hatred doesn't work, and the BPD's in our life, I think, are a testimony to that.

Know that you are not alone in your healing process! And thanks again for sharing.

Best,

Calsun

[xanderess]

Thank you guys so much for all the help . I have been doing a lot of thinking and decided to start a new life , a new home ,a new look I am going to get a job and find out who I really am . I will control my anger ! Its OK to make mistakes I am not a cry baby and a looser . I am aloud to be angry , sad , bored and I am aloud to be happy !  I WILL NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR WANTING A LIFE ! I   you all !