what to do?

[simplyasiam]

was with exBPD S/O for six years she has broke up with me about every 3 month during that time.

1st break came at about the 8 month point lasted a little less than 90 days, all the rest of break ups were short a few hours two weeks at most.

before each one she would say she wanted to be on her own have her own place but always turned out she had a new b/f was really more of a partying thing, never took any step to geting own place.

this time she did make a few step to geting the palce before she left but all step were with counsler helping becouse she was lying and say i was harming her

we have never touched each other in a harmful way only ever yelled at each other a very few times during brake up stage.

her wanting to move out always was on the heels of a a depression stage lasting about a month. then she would start geting out making new friends and drinking every friday.

she moved out about 60 days ago 1st 30 days were filled with her calling and moving back in and out

30 days ago she left again moving in with her new b/f ive heard nothing from her. her mom told me she she and her new b/f were moving into a new place and her mom thinks the new b/f sold or is renting his home get the money to move to this new place, has ex is on ssi 700 a month and new b/f works fast food.

ive forgiven all shes done in the past ive been working on geting my life together and get over the pain i know nothing i could have done would have changed the out come.

if your wondering, yes im sure she suffers from BPD have been to T and Pdoc with her many times and other than rage she has all the signs.

i know this has ben bad for years

i cant really understand how the BPD seem to have just went away?

why when she feels better dose she run from me?

should i wait any longer to see if she reachies out to me?

i dont want my family back i rasied her kids for the six years

im not sure if he will try and recycle us again or if she done with us.

if any of you that read have exp in long term make up break up cycles and would post i would be thankful

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[simplyasiam]

did think i would be able to stump everyone here but i quess i did

[arabella]

I think I'm confused by some of your questions. Maybe if I ask a few of my own, you can clarify?

You say her BPD seems to "have just went away" - why do you think it's gone away? It sounds to me like her recent behaviour is very typical of BPD.

You mentioned when she "feels better" she runs from you. You also said that she pushes away from you after she's been depressed and starts self-medicating by drinking and partying. I wouldn't say she runs when she feels better, more like she runs to try to make herself feel better - then, when it doesn't work and she realizes (again) that you aren't the problem, she comes back. Rinse. Repeat.

i dont want my family back i rasied her kids for the six years

im not sure if he will try and recycle us again or if she done with us.

So you don't want them back? Or you still have her kids with you and she's left them as well? I'm confused here, sorry. Maybe you could explain a little more?

Ultimately, there's no way to predict what she may or may not do. The biggest question is probably  this: what do YOU want to do? Do you want to keep living through these cycles? You mention that there are children involved, this doesn't sound like it could be very healthy for them? Have you tried contacting her recently? Keep posting, I'm sure more people will chime in with responses too.

[simplyasiam]

hello arabrlla. thank you for your post it helps me to look at this in a diff light. ill try and answer the things you asked.

the BPD seems at times to have gone away becouse she seems so down to earth and level headed/ sure of herself at times now.

her kids are with her

12 year old D has been depressed and was during school year going to school conusler has made small mark/cut on arm said she did it becouse she hurts inside, told me she feels noone would miss her if she was gone, told friends she wanted to die/ going to hurt herself. not sure how child is doing now.

i dont want the cycles to go on anymore but i do want my family back, i know that can only happen if she is willing to get help.

shes told me many times im better off with out her/i cant fix her,was not trying to fix her always took her as she was. she thinks she has a life sentence of this. she starts working on dbt and then stops time and time again.

everytime she leaves she says she wants her own place to see what its like to live on her own. i could respect that and had offered to help her get started when i knew she was not cheating on me and would really be doing it on her own. she always turned down the offer at these times.

ive made N/C with her i olny hear whats going on with her 2nd hand from her brother as he works for me.

i quess she moved into new home last week/with new b/f her car has broken down and bill have already used up her income for the month. has been talking to her mom again/ crying about how hard shes got it. kinda shooking to me shes not reached out me at this time.

maybe that is my sign shes done with me

[arabella]

BPD isn't something that goes away on its own. What you are seeing is just another face of the disorder. She's in a calm cycle, but that doesn't mean she is well. Think about it - would any calm, level-headed, person jump into a new relationship and move their child in with a new man that quickly? No.

The starting and stopping DBT treatment is typical. It generally takes many, many restarts before it begins to stick - sometimes it never does stick. The first year of therapy for pwBPD has a really large drop-out rate.

So you said that you could take her back before, or help her to get settled, because you knew she hadn't cheated. Now she has. How do you feel about this? Does this change what you want or what you are willing to do? You are on the Staying board, so I assume you want her back... . but are you sure you want to be romantically involved? You suggest that she needs money and that you're shocked she hasn't reached out to you for help. Are you comfortable with her recycling your r/s just because she wants financial help?

[simplyasiam]

she has cheated before other times. she dose this i think to keep from being alone when shes left.

only onetime before has it went as far as living with another man

yes i would take her back but would want to see her geting real help this time and take it slow,she has her own place now so no reason to let her walk back in here with showing thats she working on things

i will not give her $ support in anyway other than for kids bday or back to school stuff and in that those cases ill give $ to her mom to spend on kids.

by reaching out to me i meant, knowing she having a hard time im shocked the stress didnt get to her to the point she wanted to cry the blues to me but like i said she may be past that with me.

i am trying to learn here and heal myself from this

i want to learn skills to cope if we are together again

[Scout99]

I am sorry for all the hardships you have had to go through in this relationship... .

I think arabella is raising some very important questions and thoughts here, about shifting focus here a little bit to you instead of her and her needs and fluctuating will... . As I can so relate to how extremely lost most of us get when living for a long time together with a person with such severe PD-symptoms as the ones you have experienced in your BPDgf... . We become so used to attending to their needs and also so entrenched in their mess, that there is just no room for ourselves... . And before knowing it our whole life becomes all about them... . Almost to a point where it feels like there is no telling where they end and we begin... .   And from there it is hard to even grasp questions like, what do you want... .

And that is usually an important sign that there is time to start trying to detach and at least find some space to reacquaint ourselves with ourselves an slowly try to take back our life... . And this regardless of whether or not we want to stay in a relationship or not... . Sometimes we also find ourselves cut out from that choice too, like arabella put it... . There is really no telling whether she will return or not... . But regardless you need to find you again... .

I am sorry to hear about your stepdaughter who has started to self-harm... . That too is a serious sign that things have been tough in your home... . Do you stay in contact with her children, or are they cut off from you too in these separations? My guess is that you probably are very important to those kids... . So if there is any way you could stay in touch with them I think it could be good... . for both them and perhaps you too... .

I'm pretty new to this board having the experience of living with a man with NPD before and now having had the weird destiny of finding myself again in a new long distance relationship with a man who I have recently figured out is a BPD... . So I am struggling with myself at the moment whether or not I dare to take this relationship to the next step or get out... . What I want to say with that is two things. One that there is a lot of good information to find here and plenty of experienced people here that can probably give you a lot of help, support and guidance. I already have gotten a lot of both insights as well as things to think about... . And two, that speaking from my now two experiences with r/s with a person with PD that it is regardless of the many similarities between people suffering from PD's, there are also many things that are very individual... . So it can sometimes be worth it to stick it out, and see things get better, just as it is sometimes really best to bail out before they ruin your life... .

I truly wish you a good outcome of this, especially for you, yourself... .

scout99

[simplyasiam]

i did lose myself for a long time this past winter i began to refind myself and let ex know what i needed and want that im sure was part of her moving out/on

no matter how this turns out i now know what im dealing with and will not fall back into the trap again

what i want is to have my family back ive been with the kids for six years b almost 7 D 12 i was very close to both of them and thier real dad is in thier life and he is good to them

the boy thinks the shane/my name and dad are same word

im not in thier life now i know they miss me and are pushing this down i had asked to see them many time i always hear they say they are not ready to see you yet... . dont know why or what that means

i work/post alot here on the L/D board i am takeing a look at mysrlf and why im here and why ive stood for this.

i know being with her would be a life time of work and giving but im ready  to deal with that if she would be will to really get help she will not just walk back in here again